
Book.__^1.7r_ 
Copyright N''^. 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



LIFE 
AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



You've had your share of mirth — 

Of meat and drink; 
'Tis time to quit the scene — 

'Tis time to think !" 



A GATHERING OF EXPERIENCES AND OBSERVATIONS OF THE 
COMMON PEOPLE, RELATING TO THEIR ASPIRA- 
TIONS, TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS 

BUT MORE ESPECIALLY 

MY OWN PROSAIC LIFE. 



/ 
BY CHARLES DEPEW 

("DEAF DEPEW") "" 



Now Daedalus, behold by fate assigned, 
A task proportioned to thy mighty mind! 
Unconquered bars on earth and sea withstand; 
Thine, Minos, is the man and thine the land. 
The skies are open — let us try the skies; 
Forgive, great Jove, the daring enterprise." 

— Ovid. 



19 2 



Published by Charles Pepew, 
Pittsburg, Pa. ''* ' 



THt L 


L RAi.Y OF 


cct 


U^RCSS, 


Tvvr. Cr. 


pies F'eceived 


FEB 


S 1903 


Copyiighl tr>try j 


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CLASS 


C^ XXc. No, 


COPY 6. ] 



75 '-^3 f 



Copyright by Charles Depew, 1902. 
All rights reserved. 



Printed by Keystone- Label Company, Limited, 
Pittsburg, Pa. 



THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO YOU. 



I've dedicated this "To You," 

My friend, so rare, so brave and true, 
For the idea's something new, 

Including all I ever knew; 
For if I singled out a gnu, 

Or one of Life's ambitious crew, 
Tom, Dick and Harry would be blue, 

And I'd be in a wretched stew. 
So whate'er ''You" may think or do, 

I hope you won't, at least, construe 
My action as untrue to ''You," 

Whose kindness I with pleasure view ! 



INTRODUCTORY. 

What are we here for, anyway? About a decade ago at 
a Republican national convention, the usual palaver of tri- 
viality, buncombe patriotism and the like had been more 
than maintained. A lull in the proceedings occurred such 
as often follows the wind work before real business is in- 
augurated. Then it was that our old friend, Webster Flan- 
igan, of Texas, caught the attention of the chair and ex- 
claimed: "Mister President, what are we here for, if it 
isn't for the offices?" "Web." hiti the nail on the head. He 
then began to "say things." I will be equally frank and 
tell you I am primarily moved by the one great utilitarian 
object, money. As to whether I am deserving of It from 
the nature of my work I must leave to the reader. How- 
ever, permit me to say: I frequently notice that people go 
to sleep while the preacher is holding forth and I am as- 
sured that the devil is stlil rampant and sheol crowded with 
tenants. The medical profession has not conquered disease, 
and fat graveyards still mark the land. The legal profes- 
sion has not yet abolished jails and the gibbet in inaugur- 
ating law and justice, and so on I might enumerate. Why 
then should I offer apologies when offering you a book, at 
least as far as hesitating to claim for it value for value? 
I am my own publisher. Not alone from choice, but as 
much so from necessity. In order to have had another for 
a publisher I would Lave been bound by conventional rules. 
I would have been under compulsion, so decorous, infantile, 
milk-soppy and dishonest with matters, facts and things 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 5 

and my deductions thereon as to have virtually paralyzed 
my work. The hardest thing for me to do is to continually 
try to be some other fellow than myself. To try it on seri- 
ously even for one day, I know, would be making me a 
worse fellow. Moreover, for many years I have been very 
deaf, and perhaps because of it I'm in constitution and 
thought some different from other people. The deaf are 
apt to be more retrospective and analytic than are those 
who hear well and whose lives are directed in conventional 
lines. Yet outside of the unfortunate circumstances of deaf- 
ness and being lame of a leg, I do not feel that "we" are 
absurdly different from mankind, as to have derision poked 
upon us for daring to write and publish a book; as almost 
everyone who isn't deaf and lame has either written a 
book, or threatens to do so. I shall plead guilty that this 
book will appear sublimely egotistical to most of you, as 
I and my stories will be the main thing in it. 

"In English lays ana all sublimely great 
Thy Homer charms with all his ancient heat." 

And you'll take me for better or for worse or leave me 
alone. The very thought of the man who stands ready with 
a dollar to warm Depew's palm, trusting that between the 
covers of his book is sound corn, hot-popped, buttered 
and sugared, good for oneself and a chunk to spare for a 
friend binds me to jolly you in this somber old world In 
spice of all your sorrows. Who is there but what "could 
not help but laugh?" I stood in the middle of a street, 
possibly I was entranced for the moment, looking at a 
pretty girl, or seeking a house number in absorbed quan- 
dary or despair, when all of a sudden I felt a mighty and 
painful jar on my lame leg. My attention thus aroused I 
noticed that a boy with an overloaded push cart of news- 
paper mail had thumped me. He was too small to kick, but 



6 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

I gave him a few choice remarks for his boss. I was indeed 
sore and riled, and it did not better things, when I saw an 
Old woman at the curbstone, holding her fat sides, while 
laughing to "bust." I approached her and said, "Woman, 
what the devil did yon see to laugh about?" She gave an 
extra "ee-he" or two and then: "It vas to laff! Yaw, it 
vas to laff; how could I help but laff, stood like a lamp 
posten ven I thought his leg vas broke." Now this woman 
was made happy by me, but she done me good, as it set me 
to thinking how my life had been as one great jolt of 
misfortunes. Yet in spite of all that I am perhaps only 
alive because I cannot help but laugh myself. 

In publishing this book I hope to gain friends, for the 
children of the land who are robbed of years of fun, growth 
and completion of a sturdy manhood and womanhood by 
the present plan of schooling. Also that the eyes and ears 
of school children be universally examined, and treatment 
required where indicated as necessary, so that blindness 
and deafness are eradicated in time from the land. We live 
by the cunning of our hands, our lung power and muscle, 
and the sense of equality and justice that rules society, 
therefore a school course aimed toward these ends is in 
the line of what is needed for the betterment of all. 

My own especial desire in life is the possession of a 
small holding near some town, and to again occupy myself 
in the cultivation of a little land of my own, which before 
I became deaf and lame or had "learned the world," seemed 
to me too small an occupation for so great a man as I was 
then. Without offering any further apology, I resign my- 
self to fate, my stories told in my own rough and uncouth 
way, free of art, but I hope actuated by good will toward 
my fellow man. It is of him I ask tolerance, and for whom 
I hopefully wish that he may stand the strain of reading 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 7 

me through. And to him I send greetings for better times, 
better health, long years and bushels of fun in life's jour- 
ney. Now: 

"Boys and girls together, 
We'll all be happy yet; 
Never mind the weather, 
Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!" 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



INDEX. 

(Twenty Illustrations.) Page. 

WELL, WHAT IS MAN ANYHOW? 15 

THE POWER OF A CENT 16 

RHEUMATISM AND GOUT 16 

SHOCKING A GOOD WOMAN 17 

I WAS TRICKED 18 

MY EARLIEST PUBLICATION; ALSO SOMETHING ABOUT 

PUBLIC SCHOOLS 19 

YOUR LAST DAY 21 

OUGHT TO GO TO HEAVEN 21 

LITTLE HANK HAD THE^ 22 

"KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON" 22 

FACT AND TRUTH 23 

MOTTOES 24 

"UMBRELLAS RECOVERED WHILE YOU WAIT" 25 

LAUGH 25 

EVERYTHING IS LOST 25 

HOW TO GET RICH 26 

HOW I BECAMEi A HUMORIST 27 

MISCELLANEOUS 35 

WIFE AND COURTSHIP 37 

NO, A PAIR OF SHOES 38 

A LITTLE THING 39 

THE STOMACH 39 

WOMEN 40 



LIFE AS I'VE .' OUND IT. 9 

WOMEN'S RIGHTS 40 

THE FOURTH OF JULY 40 

"SHOULD WOMAN MARRY?" 40 

HAPPY IN HEAVEN 40 

IS COMMON SENSE COMMON? 40 

MARK TWAIN 41 

THE RISE OF BILLY SMITHERS (ILLUSTRATED) 42 

HELPED THE CENSUS 44 

"OLD ABB LINCOLN" (PORTRAIT) 45 

HEAR "THEM" DROPS 46 

NAMES' AND NAMES 47 

MINE BY PROXY 49 

DAD'S GIFTS 49 

THE KID WITHOUT A MOTHER 51 

THE ACME OF HUMAN FELICITY (ILLUSTRATED) 52 

SPILLED MILK 54 

CRIME AND SIN 55 

WOMAN'S PRESERVER 56 

WHAT TO DO WITH POVERTY 56 

A FILLER ' 56 

LIFE INSURANCE 57 

BROKE HIS NECK— THE FAMILY LEFT $50,000 "SHY".. 58 
KNOCKED OUT OF INSURANCE AND THE FAMILY A 

PAUPER 59 

DOGS ARE DECENT 62 

GOOD MANNERED DOG 62 

DOG ETIQUETTE 62 

DON'T BE A HOG. 62 



10 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

THE WORLD'S SWIFTEST ELECTRICAL CAR (ILLUS- 
TRATED) 63 

WE USHER IN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. 64 

MOTHER'S EARTH 66 

THE INCUBATOR MOTHER 66 

TO DO THE THING WHICH IS RIGHT 67 

THE MANISH WOMAN 68 

BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE 68 

THE LIBERTY BELL (ILLUSTRATED) 69 

BISMARCK WORKED US 70 

WHAT'S THE MATTER, ANYWAY 71 

RUSTING OUT 72 

THE DOWNED PRUNE 72 

TEMPERANCE 74 

HUNTING MYSELF 74 

THE DROUGHT 75 

A CONSIDERATE MOTHER 75 

NOON HOUR HAPPENINGS 76 

CUBA'S FIRST PRESIDENT (AND PORTRAIT) 78 

WHAT I GAVE HIM * 79 

I AM, NOT I MAY BE 79 

NEW ORLEAN'S PLEASANT RESORTS 80 

TOBACCO AND SOFORTH 81 

MINISTERS OF THE CHURCHES 82 

THE WRATH TO COME 84 

GOODY-GOODY PEOPLE 84 

A WALK WITH "BISMARCK" 85 

TELLING AND WRITING IT 85 

PHILOSOPHY 86 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 11 

"TALK TRAVELS"— SAND FILTER 87 

THE ORIGIN OF MAN 87 

LUCK VERSUS LABOR 88 

CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYBODY 92 

THE IRISH 92 

ON A CERTAIN DAY 93 

FARMING AS A LIFE 93 

THE PUMP CURED MELONCHOLIA 94 

HOME-MADE PIE 95 

UP WENT HIS GUN AND POP 96 

THE IRONY OF FATE 96 

ANOTHER SORT 97 

THE PHOTOGRAPH 98 

THE FUTURES 98 

HEALTH AND HAPPINESS 98 

WILLIAM H. SEWARD 99 

HE STRUCK A BONANZA 100 

THE FUN OF LIFE 101 

ARE YOU NATURAL? 102 

IMPROVED HIS EYESIGHT 103 

WHEN TO PAUSE AND WHEN TO SPEAK 104 

THE CHOICE OF A VOCATION 105 

JOHNNY GET THE GUN 108 

WHY I LEARNED GERMAN 110 

BROKE HER HEART 110 

EVOLUTION Ill 

WOMEN AND WHISKEY 114 

"WHAT I VANT IS PEACE" (TWO ILLUSTGEIATIONS) 115 

SHORT STOPS' 118 



12 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

NEWSPAPERS, EXPERIENCES, STORIES, ETC 119 

"TOOK IT FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS" 121 

REJUVENATING A DEAD HORSE 123 

DELINQUENT SUBSCRIBERS 124 

AN AFTER MIDNIGHT REVERIE 124 

RUNNING A NEWSPAPER 126 

STAGE FRIGHT 128 

THE MAN WHO TOLD THE TRUTH 131 

THE "PAINLESS DENTIST" 132 

TO BUCK AGAINST THE WORLD 132 

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW 133 

"THE MIRTHFUL MAN" 136 

THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM 137 

IMPRESSING KING EDWARD (ILLUSTRATED) 138 

WHAT AN ACRE WILL DO 139 

HALF CIVILIZED SHEEP 139 

A NEEDED SERMON 139 

PUBLIC HOSPITAL RULES 140 

THE HOSPITAL NURSE' 141 

THE ONION 142 

LUCK 143 

SOCIAL LIFE AS IT SEEMS" TO ME 143 

HUMANITY TO-DAY 143 

A COMPARISON.... 148 

THE "COMMON PEOPLE"— HOW MANY HOURS LABOR? 

ETC 149 

ONLY A PAUPER 151 

ANCESTRY AND POSTERITY 152 

SOCIALISM 153 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 13 

LIFE AS' I'VE FOUND IT 155 

LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT 157 

MAKES A DIFFERENCE WHEN ONE IS ON THE SEAT 

(ILLUSTRATED) 163 

THE GARDEN IN TOWN 164 

A REFORMED JEW 166 

THE' RETRIBUTION 167 

AUTOGRAPH LETTER— ELLA WHEELER WILCOX 168 

THE DEPTHS (POEM)— ELLA WHEELER WILCOX 169 

BREAD CAST UPON THE WATERS 170 

THAT GREATEST BABY 171 

THE MEANEST MAN 172 

A FEW GROANS' AND ALL IS OVER 174 

IT WAS NICE TO BE DEAF 175 

LET US STUDY LITTLE DENMARK 179 

GRAVE AND OTHERWISE, 

SMART AND BRAINS 185 

WHAT DID THE LETTER SAY? 186 

THE RELIGION OF SOME 187 

THE "PICK-ME-UPS" 188 

A MISTAKE— ACCIDENT INSURANCE 189 

GREAT, BUT A CROOKED STICK 190 

YOU ARE RIGHT 193 

THE HAPPY HOME 194 

"WITH THAT YOU SHOULD BE FOXY" 195 

AN APT ANSWER ^ 195 

THE OLDEST SMOKER 195 

PARESIS 196 

WHEN IS A MAN OLD? 199 



14 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

POLICE NEWS— WHISKEY 200 

WHAT ABOUT DRUNKENNESS? (ILLUSTRATED) 201 

"YOU, TOO, HAD A SON?" "YES MEM" 202 

CONSUMPTION 203 

RENEWING THE LAND 204 

THE PRESENT BOY CAN'T 208 

THE "TYPIST" 208 

BE BROTHERLY 209 

HIS AMBITION 209 

THE OLD PREACHER SAID 210 

HIS QUIET INFLUENC:e 211 

THE EFFICACY OF PRAYER 211 

THE LAND IS WORTH THE PRICE 212 

A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH 214 

THERE IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING 214 

USE MY HEAD FOR A FOOTBALL 214 

WHY, THEY PLAY BROTHER 215 

THE TOY MISSION OF PITTSBURG 215 

GENTLEMEN, "HAVE A CARE" 216 

A LESSON IN PATIENCE 216 

ELECTION DAY • 217 

MY HALF AND HIS HALF 217 

HOME WITHOUT A MOTHEIMN-LAW 218 

PLUTOCRACY IS UNITED 218 

A STRENUOUS LIFE 218 

GOOD LUCK ACCIDENT INSURANCE' 218 

MAKING THE BOOK 219 



LIFE AS rVE FOUND IT. 15 



WELL, WHAT IS MAN, ANYHOW? 

A puffed-up, bumptious animal: Various in avoirdupois, 
color of its hair, complexion, height and some other exter- 
nal details. Further, it is built of flesh, muscles, bones, 
sinews and some "inards," necessary to maintain its misera- 
ble existence. It gives forth noise when wanted to, and 
otherwise. 

And all of this, the so-called, most majestic animal 
of the universe, is as nothing after all, as it is so easily es- 
qua/tulated by woman. 

It takes but a wink, beck, call, grunt, pucker, sigh, 
groan, arching eyebrow, dimples, the backward glance of 
almost any sort of a woman to enslave it. 

Yes, man. He is, a BUMPTIOUS ANIMAL. 



16 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

THE POWER OF A CENT. 

Were you ever without a cent in your pockets in a 
strange town? Down to bare pockets in a strange town, 
sick, friendless and forlorn, I asked a man I met near the 
post ofHce for the price of a postal card. He handed me 
a cent, eyed me up and down and laughed. I asked him: 
"Why do you laugh?" He cleared his throat, pouter- 
pigeoned, pomposed-like, and said: "Young man, you, this 
incident reminds me of my own advent in this town. I did 
the same thing as you have done, and to-day, to-day, sir, 
I'm one of the rich men of this town." 

He hinted that I should visit him. I then in turn 
laughed. He asked why I was laughing. I then pouter- 
pigeoned, pompous-like all I could, and said: "Sir, how 
many people in this town you must have made suffer on 
that original capital of a cent." 



RHEUMATISM AND GOUT. 

These twins are the bane of the age. There Is no cure, 
but you may be alleviated. Several years ago and while a 
chronic rheumatic, I met with an accident that confined me 
to the surgical ward of a hospital. The diet, absence of 
drink and exposure, probably was what caused me to leave 
there, though a cripple from an accident, yet more free 
from rheumatism and gout than I had been for many years, 
and the good effect remains until this day. If you can't 
regulate yourself at home, take my cure. 

In case you don't care to try it, well, then by eating less and 
* * * drinking less. 



LIFE AS I'VE POUND IT. 17 



SHOCKING A GOOD WOMAN. 

The Lake Erie Progressive Pinochle club was having 
its usual game in the smoking car when the train stopped 
at Beaver, Pa. Among the first to make a rush to board 
the car before the train started was a woman who paid no 
heed to the brakeman's "other car, madam," but bolted 
into the aisle whence the game was on. 

That she was a woman of unbending righteousness 
was plain from the unspeakable reproof in the look she 
gave the man who was dealing the cards. She said nothing 
to them; her protest was reserved for the conductor. He 
came around with his, "tickets, please," and she opened 
the floodgates of her wrath. 

"What kind of a railroad is this," she asked, "when 
they allow Christian women to be shocked and their moral 
sensibilities to be wounded by forcing them to look upon 
those gambling devices of Satan?" 

"Ma'am," said the conductor, "you are in — " 

"Don't attempt to excuse it, sir," she interrupted angri- 
ly. "I refuse to listen to an apology for crime. I shall 
report this to the company to see for myself if there are 
any Christian gentlemen connected with this road. Has it 
come to this that they must pack our very best people 
into cars along with vicious gamesters? Must we sub- 
mit to have our moral teachings thus — " 

"Madam, if you will permit me," the conductor began 
again, "I would like to say that — " 

"I will not listen to you, sir," she declared emphatic- 
ally; "you are an accomplice in the crime. What a sight 
this would be for our children! Playing cards! Common 
gamblers coming out of their dark dens of iniquity and 
boldly pursuing their calling in public conveyances, and 
you, sir; you, encouraging and protecting them in their 



18 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

sin! The mother that raised you will have much to ans- 
wer for when she is called. Thank goodness none of my 
children — " 

"Let me have your ticket please," said the conductor 
with some annoyance, "and hereafter, if card playing is 
so offensive to you, don't ride in the smoking car." 

"Am I in the smoking car?" she asked with some 
alarm; "help me out; quick! The slightest smell of to- 
bacco makes me deathly ill. Why didn't you tell me this 
before? Why do you spend your time defending those 
sinful gamesters instead of attending to your duty? The 
superintendent shall hear of this. I am not a woman to 
submit meekly to such treatment." 

"No, madam, you are not," agreed the conductor. 

"Do you mean to insult me, sir?" she asked, turning 
on him. 

He helped her into another car in silence. 

"Vot vos der matter?" asked one of the pinochle play- 
ers, when the conductor returned; "did she vos took too 
much ch incher ale?" — Unknown. 



I WAS' TRICKED. 



About the meanest trick I ever had played on me, and 
in which my mother-in-law had a hand, was just about a 
week after Charles, Jr., was born. I came home, and, of 
course, hurried up to the room as all good husbands do. I 
saw a face all tucked around with nice white linen. I spoke, 
not a muscle moved. I saw death. I rushed down stairs, 
raising sheol, that she was left alone to die. They had 
bought a wax figure such as are used by dress and wig 
makers, and put up a job on me. Lovenia was busy in the 
kitchen frying spring chicken and baking corn bread. 
There is no better medicine for a man off his base. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 19 

MY EARLIEST PUBLICATION. 
ALSO SOMETHING ABOUT PUBLIC SCHOOLS'. 



When but a boy, there was a craze for amateur jour- 
nalism. I caught it. The result was that I began the pub- 
lication of a little monthly called, The Merry Schoolmate. 
In a way, it was a success from the beginning. That is, 
it carried advertising at good rates, and people really sub- 
scribed for it readily. As to the matter of its contents, 
you may depend upon it, that it showed the ignorance 
and brashness of youth. Yet, possessed of some origin- 
ality, it attracted the attention of the publisher of a great 
daily paper, and resulted in my becoming a reporter for 
the same at the age of but a few months beyond my six- 
teenth year. Y/hen I come to review things, I realize two 
mistakes: First, that I quit (sold out) my own publica- 
tion, a successful venture and my own. Second, that I 
engaged at work at the daily instead of taking a full com- 
mercial course at some good college, or a scientific course 
at some of the universities, fitting me for a chemist, or 
civil engineer. 

The little monthly was, as far as I know, the first 
publication west of the Allegheny mountains, largely de- 
voted to the affairs of the public schools. It also con- 
tained in each issue a cartoon, bearing on the most ab- 
sorbing public event of the day. The ideas of my boy- 
hood days as regards the control of the schools, also the 
course of the public school studies, remain to-day, only 
emphasized as firm convictions, based upon a greater 
knowledge of the world and its people, and I think I can 
say a broader and much more matured mind. 

The affairs of the schools are in control of small pol- 
iticians. Often, nearly always, illiterate — notably so in the 
large cities. Their main ambition is to control the ward 



20 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

■vote, place a few friends in the position of teacher, and 
in return for their influence in controlling votes to help 
along their business or hold clerkships in some of the pub- 
lic ofiices. The hight of their ambition is to become an 
alderman or to enter the city councils. 

I know one school director whose daughter received 
a salary for playing the school organ to the music of which 
the scholars marched when entering and leaving the 
building. When her father "stepped hig-ber" he had him- 
self elected janitor of the school. It was said he helped 
by his own vote to elect himself to the position. 

Other school directors manage to get jobs of paint- 
ing and other repairs for the buildings, and are often sus- 
pected of voting contracts for building school houses to 
firms of which they are at least silent, if not active, 
partners. I have known of several instances, where school 
directors received large commission on the sale of real 
estate for or of school sites. When the affairs of the pub- 
lic schools are in the hands of ctiziens of the calibre men- 
tioned, it is folly to look for good results in the prepara- 
tion of our children for manhood and womanhood. No- 
where is it more true, that a stream cannot rise higher 
than its source, than in the matter of school manage- 
ment. The mean, meager and nasty personnel of so many 
directorates must reflect in many ways in the life of the 
scholar, both while at school and impressed indelibly upon 
him in his impressionable years, mark his manhood or 
her womanhood. 

It is needless to say, there is little show under the 
present conditions, for having the eyes and ears of school 
children universally examined over the land, and treat- 
ment given where indicated as necessary to lessen and 
prevent poor eyesight and deafness. It is equally unlikely 
to have the school course cut down, so that children learn 
thoroughly the few studies that are absolutely necessary 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 21 

for life work, while there is a "rake-off" with the book pub- 
lishers, based on the quantity of books sold. People, too, 
who judge their neighbors' worth by the number of their 
suits of clothing, are equally impressed and ready to gauge 
the learning of the children by the size of the pile of books 
they "tote" to and from the school house. 

It is not to be expected that real political economy 
and civics be made a matter of elucidation in the public 
schools. Why such knowledge would help to make cit- 
izens dangerous to the machine. Nor can you look for 
athletic training that would build bodies, and manly and 
womanly development, strong, self-reliant and assertive 
people. That would never do. "What would become of 
We, Us & Company, the push?" 

If you can't send the school directors home to stay, 
then send them off as foreign missionaries, or to the 
United States Senate. We must get rid of them somehow 
in order to get a new deal, and develop the nation as it 
ought to be developed. 



YOUR LAST DAY. 



Engage in life as though every day were your last day. 
Get all the fun out of it you can without too much encroach- 
ing on the fun of everybody else. 



OUGHT TO GO TO HEAVEN. 

It is said that a couple down South have just married 
after a courtship extending through sixty years. "If they 
oughtn't to have been married these many years," surely 
they ought to have a chance to live it out in heaven to- 
gether to make up for so much lost time. I knew an Irish- 
man once who spent more time spitting on his hands than 
shoveling dirt. 



22 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

LITTLE HANK HAD THE— 

It was at the ladies' tea tattle, that little Hank (my 
little Hank) went "up against it." Whenever the ladies 
have arrived at the period of having several children, they 
are ripe to become members of tea tattle associations. There 
are few of us men who don't feel the results of these hen 
gatherings. They are experience meetings and they are 
necessary, so men find out, where they are at, at home 
and in the neighborhood. 

Little Hank had been admonished to not say "I have 
the belly-ache. He was told to say: "I have the stomach- 
ache." Well, he tried to get it straight, and, sometimes did. 
However, at one of the T's, he was present. Everything 
had gone off in apple-pie order until little H approached 
his mother and said, "Mama, I have." Never mind, 
Willie, don't bother. Go and play marbles. A little later, 
he came again, saying, "Mama, I have the — " "What, 
William, Hen, er-ie?" "Please, Mama, I think I am sick 
some place." The honor of the house, our gentle breed- 
ing was at stake, and little Hank saved us. Somebody 
gave poor little Hank a nickle advance pay, to say it the 
next time, when there was a Tea, just as his great-great- 
grandfather used to back in York state, when they used to 
drink blackberry root tea for pain in the . 



'KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON.' 



I habitually wear a button on the lappel of my coat 
bearing the inscription, "Keep Your Shirt On." I recom- 
mend the sentiment to everybody. Acting upon this sug- 
gestion has pulled me through more than one dilemma. 
"Try it on." 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 23 

FACT AND TRUTH. 

At a convention of teachers of the public schools a del- 
egate read a paper devoted to Fact and the Truth. His 
endeavor was to make clear that there existed a wide 
difference in the true definition of each. His work showed 
quite some thought, and led one to believe that the truth 
is a "bigger" thing than a mere fact. It was in line to 
prove the preponderance of truth over fact. But * * * 
the truth is always a mighty thing. A fact may be a very 
trifling thing. Thus to establish or to endeavor to estab- 
lish the truth, facts are as a corollary. A number of facts 
are advanced carrying inference of, or openly advanced to 
establish a truth, but a break occurs, or between the lines 
we see an ulterior motive or discover a lie. Thus facts are 
used as against the truth and facts and truth diverge. 

The one thing in which he fell short in was that of apt 
homely illustrations. The event recalled to me an incident 
bearing on his subject. An acquaintance once put to me: 

"Depew, I do not drink! I do not use tobacco! I do not 
use profane language." 

In spite of my disinclination to hear him, a second 
thought interested me after all. I knew my man and I 
guessed his object. I had no absolute proof to the con- 
trary, and I admitted: 

"Sir, it is a fact you do not 'drink,' a fact that you do 
not use tobacco; it is a fact that you do not use 'profane' 
language, yet nevertheless, sir, I know for truth, it is the 
truth you are a rascal." 

Many facts would bear out his claim of being an exem- 
plary citizen, but other facts, more facts, which he would 
fail of, were necessary to establish that he was not a rascal. 

I recall a land deal bearing on this subject. A most 
plausible man was setting forth fact after fact in endeavor^ 
ing to make a sale of a farm. Area, fact, soil, water, tim- 



24 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

ber, meadow, valley land, plow land, fruit, distance from 
different places, et al., facts. But when he came to values 
and named his price he no longer told the truth. Thus fact 
upon fact is piled up, yet the end is an untruth. You fix 
a price, your price, a fact, but not the truth — honest worth. 

Now, here is a nut, it's a fact. 'Tis truth, too, hut 
crack this nut and the fact of facts is, the truth is, your 
nut is rotten. 

The truth is immutable. I have just picked up a news- 
paper. The scare lines of an article read, "Facts Point to 
a Dastardly Murder Having Been Committed." Mark point, 
to having been. The truth is yet to be known. 



MOTTOES. 

Many a house is fairly plastered with texts and 
mottoes. There probably is no harm in them, but it would 
be a sorry give away often if they would be (in case they 
could be) applied in putting them to test in the affairs 
of the members of the family. I had noticed some folks 
got so crowded with them that they displayed them on the 
windows, fronting the street, on the barn walls and "small 
house." We were living on a little street and I used to 
go out with a lantern in winter time to spread cinders, so 
as to keep people from breaking their bones near the door 
and further along. 

It had long been a question between Lovenia and my- 
self about this motto business, and I at last told her she 
could go one better than her sister in the window business 
if I could edit it. That she could put one up on the gas 
post on the street. This was what it was to be. "Pride 
goeth before a fall." "Brethren, look out for this blamed 
hill." The motto question is still in committee and I guess 
pigeon-holed for good. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 25 

"UMBRELLAS RECOVERED WHILE YOU WAIT." 

The above announcement met my gaze one day while 
wandering along a business thoroughfare. I had been look- 
ing for that sign, to come out for, lo, this many a year. I 
carefully took in the surroundings and the store from the 
first step on entering with great deliberation. I noticed 
that some furniture was kept on hand. 

I approached the young man in charge and asked him 
about their business, and whether they did a good deal 
of umbrella business. Then I went over to feel a bed 
lounge. I told him I had several umbrellas that needed 
to be recovered. We drifted along in our talk and I learned 
what newspapers they took and that the building was 
heated with steam. Also about the restaurants of the 
neighborhood. One of them sent out meals. Then I got 
down to business and asked him about how long it gener- 
ally took to recover an umbrella, and if it included board 
and lodging while you waited. He became highly indig- 
nant at me, and so I at him, each one charged the other 
something like this: "Do you take me for a sucker." How- 
ever, I recovered first and told the young man that it was 
mighty small peanuts to only re-cover an umbrella when 
there were hundreds to recover. 



LAUGH. 

Yes, laugh. Laugh lots — never mind should the sheriff 
get the drug store and the undertaker put crape on his 
own door. 



EVERYTHING IS LOST. 



How often we hear it, "I've lost everything." My 
friend you have lost less than you think you have. Don't 
lose yourself and you will wear smiles and add diamonds. 



26 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

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HOW TO GET RICH. 

Of all the questions asked me there is none I so cheer- 
fully answer as, "How to get rich?" There are many ways 
that one can try. There are many ways, too, that suc- 
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CHARLES DEPEW, 1902. 



Photo by Lies, Pittsburg. Pa, 



HOW I BECAME A HUMORIST 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 29 

HOW I BECAME A HUMORISr. 

I have been asked how I became a humorist. I, too, 
have been charged as being a durned fool. Some people 
say I was born a durned fool, but we'll let this question 
rest, and resume the real question, how did I become a 
humorist? First and foremost, a humorist isn't born in a 
day, the job is too big, it is easier to bring forth a fool in 
so brief a period. There was one fellow who wrote me 
wanting to know all the details of how I became a humor- 
ist and what he would have to do to also become one. 
Another wrote to learn what books I had read to breed 
humor. And still another, what kind of grub would one 
have to eat to root, sprout, leaf and bloom into a humorist. 
And so forth their queries ran. 

Now I might have long ago given the world these se- 
crets, but this categorical questioning business was sprung 
onto me just at a time when I was heftily soured on taking 
people into my honest confidence. As it was just about the 
especial time when a big policeman, who stood on a corner 
in St. Louis, askea me: "Young man, where did you stop 
last night?" When I told him quite proudly, yet confiden- 
tially like, "at the Planters' Hotel," he just screwed up 
his face into a Corkonian pucker, as though he'd swallowed 
a dose of asafoetida, stared and stared, his eye focussed on 
a bedbug roosting on the lapel of my coat. I was sorely 
offended and concluded what is tiie use of telling people 
the truth anyhow. However, since I've "jined," I'll let 
by-gones be by-gones, and here goes: 

From my earliest days it occurred to me as the most 
funny thing that ever happened was that I was born. This 
funny idea never has left me. Then I remember when 1 
was two minutes old, my mother saying, "Isn't he funny," 
and she never told a lie. No, mother never told a lie. Next 
my brain was early concentrated. Nothing much comes 



30 LliFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

from the man whose brain isn't concentrated. They put 
me in charge of an Irish nurse girl and on her lies the 
blame for concentrating my brains. If it hadn't been for 
her, gentle reader, you would not have me with you today. 
She kept "them" brains from being scattered along the 
sands of time and lost to all posterity. She would turn me 
upside down and thump my head. She would swoar 
"them" brains into a tight lump and soft-soaping me in 
Dutch pet phrases kept solid with my mother, and thus 
stayed with us long enough to concentrate "them" brains 
Norah, dear, by grape vine telegraph, 'tis to you I owe 
my choicest Irish. 

Then once upon a time I became deaf. I've oeen taken 
for — done up, chawed, spit on, trampled on; yes, taken 
for Polish, French. Jew, Dutch, Russian, Italian, Free 
Methodist, German, Mormon and confidence man, all of 
these, when the only thing I was guilty of was of being 
deaf — that's my breed, deaf. Deaf Depew. In parenthesis 
(as the writers say), isn't it funny when you feel that way? 
I believe if I were blind, people would say, same as now, 
"look-a-here, you!" — "people's got no sense, nohow." There 
was a doctor who almost convinced me that I only pos- 
sumed being deaf. That the faculty of hearing was only 
lying back dormant like for the want of an appreciative 
owner. Nobody feels as guilty of everything as do the deaf, 
and it took me some time to shake myself together like and 
recollect that trying to hear has been my trade for more 
than twenty years gone by last Fourth of July. 

This Doctor M. was treating my throat for a frog, and 
it struck me I'd pay him back for his foul hint that I'd 
been willfully and maliciously deaf all "them" years gone 
by and lost. He asked me to cultivate the dormant faculty 
of hearing. We even talked of putting in a private "hello" 
between our respective offices to help out the scheme. This 
doctor was a sort of a king or queen bee in an office build 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 31 

ing that was a regular hive of doctors. They swarmed 
there when his medical magazines came in. He would dis- 
course to them on Philadelphia, Heidelberg, Chicago and 
Berlin, learnedly like as learned could be. 

pne day just after he had chased the frog down my 
throat into my stomach, leaving his office door, a wagon 
loaded with sheet iron came along the street. The day, 
quiet and favorable for feeling, and the load just the thing 
made a devilish racket and I felt it quite a way off. I hur- 
ried back to his office, and said: "Doctor, cultivating the 
dormant faculty is producing results. I've just been hear- 
ing better and farther off than for ever so long since." He 
waved his right hand over the audience of assembled doc- 
tors and no doubt gave them an off-hand little lecture on 
cultivation of my dormant faculty of hearing, and then all 
turned to me. I addressed the clinic, saying: "Doctor 
and Gentlemen: Did you ever hear the story of the Texas 
farmer, his boy Johnny, the pet cow and her calf?" In 
the old days before the wave of civilization and Col. Jim 
Guffey and crude oil had struck Texas, the Texas cow had 
but a latent faculty of giving forth her milk, and in order 
that her mind be concentrated, the calf would first have 
to suck some. Milk was valuable in those days (condensed 
milk was discovered by Gail Borden in Texas because there 
were so many cows that milk was scarce). While it was 
necessary lo have the calf suck to start the milk, the farm- 
er had cautioned Johnny not to let it hog it. One morning 
coming suddenly out of the chaparell, the old farmer saw the 
calf sucking like all sixty and blazes. He hollered, "Johnny, 
durn you, keep up that 'ere calf." Johnny answered, "Pop, 
I can catch the calf, but you will have to furnish a string 
to hold it." Then with a magic wave over the clinic I 
said, "Doctor M. and gentlemen, every once in a while I can 
hear a sound, but, darn it all, the medical fraternity will 
have to furnish a string that I may hold it." 



32 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

I've tried ail sorts of ways to be good, but all the same 
I've been knocked dead just because I politely-like put up 
my hand to my ear, holding it forward to hear, not know- 
ing the gentleman accosting me was drunk and took of- 
fense at my doing my best to cultivate my dormant faculty. 
Unless a man has a map of his country spread upon his 
countenance, I'm apt to take an Irishman for a Dutchman, 
and that often leads to a casus belli, although I generally 
get it on the nose, both being prominent members of my 
body. 

To get shot at because you couldn't hear, and then 
apologize when they find out you are deaf, that they did not 
kill you, will help you; it helped me. You can't sidetrack 
humor when it's under a full head of steam. To get 
knocked around any old way by railroad trains is helpful 
to the growth of the humorous man. Especially the expe- 
rience, and chastening humility of having a narrow gauge 
railroad knock you and then having the company complain 
of delay to traffic and the disarrangement of its schedule 
time, when its officials boost you into the baggage car. 

One of the funniest of my railroad knockings was by a 
yard engine in the leading town of Texas. (I won't tell 
you which one, for I'd get shot in every other leading town 
while down that 'ere way next winter, "shore.") As I 
was saying, one of the funniest knockings, well that yard 
engine just knocked me from its track to the one next 
alongside of it. Then a train on that track came along 
and knocked me back again. The train crews came along 
and there came a dispute which of them were to have the 
emoluments and honor of sitting on my inquest. While 
they were having it out one nigger brakeman acted inde- 
pendent-like and came toward me, his face wreathed in 
smiles as though he were going to dive into a water melon 
gathering up my remains. You should have seen the sack- 
cloth-and-ashes look on his face when I gathered up my 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 33 

remains myself and handed him my card to deliver to the 
railroad's claim agent so he might send me the road's claim 
for delay to traffic. 

Then get knocked a few times by the electric cars. It 
is very helpful in developing your humorous bump. About 
the best time in the day to get knocked is near supper time 
and generally, if knockings are scarce, 'tis best to get 
knocked in the summer time. The electric lines are always 
busiest about that time. You kick up lots of muss, make 
enemies of people in a hurry to get their supper, disturb the 
man who reads his evening paper, following word for word 
with his fore finger. You knock out the girl with the goo- 
goo eyes from getting home in time to eat supper, help 
Mamie doing the dishes, and getting fixed up in her Sunday 
lingerie for the boat excursion with her best fellow. Now 
getting knocked in the summer time. Why don't you know 
you might get sunstroke or drowned, at the beach, but for 
the joy of being patched up and safe in the hospital! Then 
it's more blessed to give than to receive. You give away 
to the folks at home your strawberries and get prunes, 
prunes, prunes, hospital prunes. (See Encyclopaedia Brit 
tanica.) 

If your humor is still coming slow-like, always manage 
to be about two thousand miles away from home when in 
the hospital and have a few "faded lilies," with wigs on 
their heads, and chinaware in their mouths, come to pray 
for you and present you with literature of a religious sort 
bearing date before the Johnstown flood. Get your miser- 
able bone jolted and jolted and you'll develop your funny 
bone and finally you'll feel your wings beginning to sprout 
and development will occur, bringing you into a full- 
fledged humorist. 

'Twas on a Mississippi River steamboat that my wings 
came out. A cotton buyer, who tramped the hurricane deck 
as though he owned the line, knew every plantation along 



34 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

the river and as far back as cotton grew, stood by with the 
captain and narrator. We got to a bend in the river. The 
cotton buyer said, "Here, Mark Twain (gentlemen, you 
may not know his real name is Clemens) got his *su-bri- 
ket.' " I leaned over the rail. They held on to my hind 
legs. I said in awed tones, "Gentlemen, I see his very 
shadow lingering still." Slow bells were rung for, the ship 
hovered around the charmed spot and we looked at each 
other and the article from Kentucky. That shadow has 
ever since lingered with me. I can't lose it. I've changed 
my beer glass to a stein, shaved off my mustache, but that 
"shadder" lingers with me still. 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 37 



WIFE AND COURTSHIP. 

One's mind reverts back to his brash days of early 
manhood, and its attendant acquaintances. I often think 
of Professor B., long since dead. He was a jolly good 
fellow. So when he took the smallpox and had no one to 
Immediately nurse him, his wife being an arrant coward, 
I undertook to take care of him. Mrs. B., shaking with 
fear, would hastily peep in the room and ask, "h-o-w i-s 
h-e?" Shortly after I was relieved by a professional nurse 
and despite every attention given my friend, he died. The 
woman who had been his wife followed him a few years 
later, and I could not help to feel that her terrible fear of 
the contagion was largely due to selfishness as well as 
cowardice. That she evidenced a want of real character, 
I felt sure. It certainly brings out character of some sort 
when there appears momentous disease, accident to person 
accusation, real or false, in law against the husband. It 
is then that he wife is put to the test, and often only, 
then, inherited proclivities blossom in full fruit. My friend 
when in life used to say in his jocular way: "Charlie, you 
should have known that father-in-law of mine. He was a 
tough proposition. I had to stand a lot from him while 
courting the woman who became my wife. It seemed im- 
possible to bring things to the point of marriage, and I was 
too dumb to catch onto the real cause at the time. The 
eld man's selfishness was at the bottom. As I was teach- 
ing ten miles away from where they lived, I rode horse- 
back and often remained at the house of my girl over 



38 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

night. The courtship lasted for about three years and the 
old man, when he finally consented to our marrying, didn't 
consent until satisfactory arrangements were made for the 
payment of a bill he put in for 312 horse feeds and twenty- 
five gallons of kerosene, although we generally sat in the 
dark (to which he did not object), and my horse was al- 
most always voraciously hungry after courting night.' They 
got out of him first and last what they could and gave little 
in return. 



NO, A NEW PAIR OP SHOES. 

At a time when well down on my uppers, keeping my 
my eyes well elevated, thinking of loftier matters, as men 
of my intelectual tendency are apt to do under the circum- 
stances, I happened to be passing along the crowded section 
of the post office, which in all towns has its quantum of 
irrepressible newsies and shiners. I have a oft spot — sev- 
eral of them — in my anatomy for the street boys, but just 
at that time all our thoughts were lofty. Those shoes needed 
a galvanizer the worst way, but as my ears, too, needed 
repairs, I suddenly found myself surrounded by a little mob, 
which had, unbeknown to me, importuned me for a shine, 
saying: "Them shoes need a plaster," "want a galvanize," 
etc. 

I won their hearts by replying: "No, sonny, a pair of 
new shoes!" 

We were pretty much in the same box. A little touch 
of nature makes all mankind akin. 

Those boys wanted to fall over each other to give me 
a shine "just for luck." 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 39 

A LITTLE THING. 

Most people as I've often said before never lost near 
as much as they let on, nohow. I knew a deaf man 
once by the name of Lamb. You would think to hear him 
that Lamb had been every man's meat so much had peo- 
ple done him up. Now the real truth was that, "to do" 
Lamb was about as heard a job as any man wanted to 
tackle. 

He was an all-round trader, one of those kind who 
when nothing else was doing would change things from 
one pocket to another and play soltaire for luck. We 
were riding in an electric car, and Lamb finally got to 
telling about a recent farm swap, and said: "Depew, they 
done me for a clean $2,500, the wolves." 

I put my hand up to my ear, so as to make him re- 
peat it loudly, which of course he was glad to do. To 
this I replied, "Now, Lamb, never mind a little thing like 
that. Besides take to your heart the assertion, that the 
Lord tempereth the wind to the shorn lamb." 

Captain M., who was in hearing, and who knew of 
Lamb's lamentation, and as well his dealings, highly appre- 
ciated the episode, and as he was an extensive dealer it 
done me no harm to have a little fun even with a deaf 
sinner, of whom by the way there are few to our lasting 
credit. 



THE STOMACH. 



When a man tells me his stomach is worn out, I do 
not know whether to believe him or not. There are lots 
of fellows who never had a real, copper-lined, high-pressure, 
distillery to commence with. 



40 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

WOMEN. 
Woe unto man, woman. 



WOMEN'S RIGHTS. 
Nothing "rights" women like the cash. 



THE FOURTH OF JULY. 



There is but one thing equal to the patriotism of the 
Fourth of July, 'tis the Pat-riotism of it. 



•SHOULD WOMAN MARRY?' 



Yes, Caroline, once anyhow, if she does not get more 
chances. 

As well ask me should ducks swim. 



HAPPY IN HEAVEN. 



Does it ever occur to yoa how miserable the religious 
crank would feel in heaven with no one there for him to 
attack? 



IS COMMON SENSE COMMON? 

Common sense is not so common. 

Common sense is uncommon sense. 

We often find ourselves only possessed of it when we 
have realized that we were not possessed of it when we 
needed it most. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 41 

MARK 1 vVAlN. 

My faith in Mark Twain as a patriot was never thor- 
oughly shaken. As long as a fellow eats hickory nuts and 
pop corn, apples without paring and quartering them, takes 
his smoke straight — pipe or cigar without a holder, reads 
his Sunday paper with his coat off and feet well up, he can 
hardly he fully lost to American patriotism. By the way, 
just follow backward or forward the man or boy who does 
not hanker for pop corn, apples and hickory nuts, and 
et cetera, you'll learn something of humanity. But to re- 
vert back to Twain. He had hobnobbed much with nobbs 
and royalties across the water, so I felt some scared as to 
the outcome of it all. So toward tne advent of this cen- 
tury, to ease my scare and serve my countrymen (especially 
Mark), I prayed a little prayer something like this: Dear 
Lord, have Mark Twain take a thorough steam bath as 
soon as he lands on American soil, so all foreign cussed- 
ness be driven from his hide, for he has none that naturally 
belongs to him. Then that he sticks his finger down his 
throat and yawps and yawps, so his inards be thoroughly 
freed of the messes of pottage and other seductions put into 
him through the wiles of foreign potentates and potentator- 
esses, especially those of Austria and England; that hi 
may once more have a stomach for corn dodgers, hickory 
nuts, apples, a drop of bourbon and Wheeling tobies for 
sure. That he sheds his foreign clothes and dons home- 
spun, a soft shirt, loose collar and slouch hat. And last, 
dear Lord, when his wings sprout, that we may recognize 
him as a full fledged American citizen as of yore." 

Behold the efficacy of prayer! Mark wrestled through 
that there ordeal as asked for. Glory! glory! So that 
when the nobles of New York, with American namej, 
American money and foreign notions gave him a big blow- 
out, with viaw of having Mark deliver us all over to the 



12 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

foreigners, he fooled them all. He even throwed up the 
Philippines when he shed his foreign matters. Hark how 
Mark went for them. He didn't halt at that, but traveled 
up York State, where our ancestry fought so the American 
eagle screamed for freedom and told the Britishers of 
Dutch descent what they ought to do to he saved. It was 
an experience meeting for them, sure. Hoch to you, Mark! 
Hoch! Here is, that long may you live and that your voice 
be ever raised for American freedom., and that when you 
pass away your sayings and writings, exemplary of Amer- 
icanism and true democracy, leave a lurid saving beacon 
light for us and our progeny, as time rattles and thunders 
down the channel of ages. 



THE RISE OF BILLY SMITHERS. 

Our world Is full of examples of inconspicuous boys 
worKing their way up from a lowly and poverty stricken 
origin to wealth and station. My mind travels back over 
the vista of years and among others occurs to me the mak- 
ing of Billy Smithers. 

'Twas an autumnal evening. The sun fast setting 
beyond Coal Hill was casting his last rays on the windows 
and steeples in the upper part of the city, and Billy Smith- 
ers was casting an admiring glace at the few black curls 
which dangled from beneath the bonnet of Biddy Wiggins. 

"If I were a man," said Billy to himself, "that soon I'll 
be as the master says, I'm a strapping lad for me age, I'd 
rent myself a magnificent dwelling in Hardscrabble and 
'twould be Biddy's sweet self and me, that would occupy 
the same." 

"Already visions of a horse and coal cart floated be- 
fore his imagination * * * He asked himself "perhaps 
I might become an Alderman or even arrive at the pinacle 




—"and Billy Smith ers was casting an admiring glance at the few black 
curls—" etc.— Page 42. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 43 

of my aspirations become a member of the City Council." 
The next day at school Billy was asked the question, 
"Where is the gem of the say, ginerally called Oirland, seet- 
uated." To which Billy promptly answered, "On High 
street, near the Church" — that is where Biddy lived you 
know. Finding it impossible to hold himself down to his 
studies, Billy left the school on this evening. Before the 
week was out he had obtained a situation in a grocery store, 
where they gave short weight and measure, besides selling 
whisky by the half pint. He graduated at this establish- 
ment just about the time when the proprietor returned to 
that "far famed Isle," with all the funds which properly 
belonged to the creditors of his establishment. His next 
ambition was to become a hack driver and in this business 
he often managed to extract double and tripple fare from 
travelers who could not stop to contest such little matter*^. 
Next Billy made several trips up and down the Ohio river 
as a steamboat employee, always adding to his stock of use 
ful knowledge. But at length he set out for the oil re- 
gions. Here his genius found a wide and congenial field. 
He soon became rich, or at least possessed the reputation 
of being wealthy. 

What hosts of admirers he had! The phrenologist ex- 
amined his head, great Caesars, what wonderful develop- 
ment! The ladies all at once declared him stunningly 
handsome! How refined! What a charming fellow! Alas 
for Biddy and her glossy curls. 'Tis another lady now, 
with a long trailing dress, an enormous bustle, eye glasses 
and the bearer of an amateur hair dressing establishment 
on the back of her empty head, that has captured tne heart, 
affections and wealth of our now Honorable William 
Smithers. 



44 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

HELPED THE CENSUS. 

A Pittsburg (Pa.) paper contained the following: "The 
population of the borough of Wilkinsburg was considera- 
bly lessened on last Friday when Richard Barret, of 817 
Penn avenue, a painter and paper hanger, removed to 
Swissvale with his family of 11 boys and 11 girls and his 
wife. 

Before leaving the borough he confided to Justice 
Creelman that he was the father of 22 children, 11 boys 
and 11 girls, all of whom are living and enjoying good 
health. In fact there has never been an occasion since 
the birth of any of the children to call a physician. Mr. 
Barret is a portly Irishman and his wife is an English wo- 
man. They were married when the husband was 16 and 
the wife 14. There have been born to them three sets of 
triplets and every year since marriage has seen a fulfill- 
ment of the Scriptural injunction. The eldest of their off- 
spring is now only 28 years old. Mr. Barret is 45 and 
his wife 43 years of age. The family is highly respected." 

There is a great deal of rot going around about the 
difficulty of maintaining large families. Large families 
help to maintain and "make" each other as a rule. Noth- 
ing is more deplorable than certain portions of our Amer- 
ican people taking the "French" view of the child-bearing 
business. France is threatened with decedence. 




—"Our now Hon. William Smithers."— Page 43, 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 45 



"OLD ABE LINCOLN." 

It is not a mark of disrespect to speak of Mr. Lincoln 
as "Old Abe." There will never be another Lincoln like 
him. He stands unique like the pyramids of the desert. 
When the country was in chaos he was calm and resource- 
ful. When he felt at his worst he never allowed himself, 
at least during the war period, to appear overwrought, but 
would relieve himself and those around him by this good 
story telling faculty. He was great. He was an inspiring 
example of faith and fortitude, because he could not be 
anything else — he was built that way. He was not great 
in the sense of an Englishman, who got his greatness, by 
having stood within a foot of the King of England and 
saluting his majesty, but great because he stood on his 
own feet, a King amongst men. He was not great be- 
cause of being the representative of the Republican party, 
not by a long shot. It would be nearer right to say the 
Republican party was great, when yet small, because of 
him. Abraham Lincoln belongs to the people, and no 
party can claim him for its very own. It is always in 
order to tell a Lincoln story. 

When old Abe Lincoln was on his way to the inaugural 
and before the train reached Washington, Mrs. Lincoln 
seemed terribly perturbed because of the negligent ap- 
pearance of Abe's attire. It is said that she said, "Abe 
do let me fix up your necktie, brush your hair and crimp 
you up, why you'll be a disgrace to our town," and of 
course he surrendered. 

On the night of the inauguration, the factotum whose 
place it was to introduce the newly made president and 



46 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

his better half at the public reception having become 
slightly separated from them, old Abe, took it upon him- 
self to perform the ceremony. 

With his white-stover in one hand and his dumpy 
partner on the other arm, he bent and courtesied his 6-foot 
3 of body and with great gusto and solemnity, said: "Ladies 
and gentlemen permit me to present to you, the long and 
short of the presidency." — There is no doubt Abe suffered 
for that many a day. 

Lincoln's naturalness and humor were inherent. But 
the free and easy sort of companionship of the 
rough and honest early western country, with men and 
nature in close communion, drew him out, brought out what 
he really had within him. Had he been of the city and col- 
lege bred, he would never have been the old Abe, who will 
in history stand for what is typical of the best Americanism 
during the period when we achieved our first greatness as 
a people. 



HEAR THEM DROPS. 



It beats the prince of darkness why everybody wants to 
tell me about how nice something sounds to hear and how 
they will insist on my hearing it by proxy, if in no other 
way. Some time since I hit on a prose poem on the rain 
drops. It was about the time that little Hank, out of sheer 
benevolence, set off a Jackson cracker under my easy chair 
— I guess on the side he stood — to win a nickle that I would 
not hear it enough to wake me up. Hank is very, very 
careful with me. Here is a piece that was sent me for pub- 
lication in my paper: 

"Rainy days are seldom welcomed, but did you ever 
think how restful such days are to the eyes? The dull skies 
are not without a beauty and the grayness of the atmos- 




ABRAHAM LINCOLN. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 47 

phere softens everything and makes a good background for 
bits of color which nature gives. When there is the music 
of the rain dropping on the roofs and pavements there is 
a very good effect upon the nerves. If you are a poor 
sleeper you will notice that sleep always conies to you 
more readily when your mind is soothed by the rhythm of 
the raindrops. Unconsciously you listen to them and feel 
the even drip, drip, and it soothes you just as a lullaby 
puts a child to sleep. There is a rbythm to the rain as 
there is to the swell of the waves on the shore, to the wind 
as it murmurs through the pines, as, indeed, there is to 
everything in nature. It is a part of her great harmony, 
and it is sad that our ears are closed to what, maybe, is 
sweeter music than they have yet .heard." 

Things have changed. Yes, that is the way they used 
to patter, patter. But to a deaf man as I am to-day it is 
more interesting and restful-like to hear, a thounder-bolt or 
two, drop occasionally, although I can live without it. 



NAMES AND NAMES. 



Names sometimes are more or less bothersome, yet 
nearly everybody wants and carries a name or two if for 
no other purpose than to have something to answer to. 
When he borrows another fellow's name he sometimes gets 
into trouble. Once in a while one has a name that has 
come down hard and fast to him "perfectly honest," caus- 
ing one to tear his hair and think reflections on his an- 
cestry. 

Now here is a lawyer, away off in Australia, who does 
not think his name is quite right, but here is the story: 

"A. Swindle" is the name that appears above a door of 
a struggling lawyer in an up-country town in New South 
Wales. A friend of the unfortunate gentleman suggested 
the advisability of his writing out his name in full, thinking 



48 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

that Arthur or Andrew Swindle, as the case might be, 
would look better than the significant "A. Swindle." When 
the lawyer, with tears in his eyes, whispered to him that 
his name was A-dam, the friend understood, and was silent. 
"It's dollars to dough-nuts," that Swindle's name does bother 
him most because in law he could conjure better with 
some other name, no matter if his present one is typical 
01 many of the profession's practices. Mr. Swin- 
dle wants to get on in the world. He can. He can keep 
that honored name too. Let him come right over here. We 
will pose him in the interests of either party as typical 
of the other party in this presidential campaign, as a 
horrible example, and he can go back taking care of that 
name and sport diam-onds, and suck a dog head cane. Then 
there is cur Uncle, D. Sly. He used to have a lot of sad- 
ness with that name of his. Things have changed. Why, 
to-day uncle is, "that millionaire detective," you have all 
read about. 

Uncle is alv/ays looking around for people in trouble. 
If our campaign proposition does not strike Mr. A-dam 
Swindle favorably and Swindle's photograph is likely-like, 
I feel uncle just to keep up his reputation of fixing up 
names to fit would put up a job to get him a step-wife — 
one of those women, who lends tone to society and some- 
times is on the stage. The kind which gives a name to 
a man, so completely fixing it up, that it is never, (that is 
his) is never heard again. 

'Tis one of those strong minded women I mean, they 
never forget the name of their poodle dogs nor remember, 
or mention the name of their hubbies nor does anybody else, 
in their clique. 

Swindle's name can be turned to good use yet, in the 
meantime, let him be deaf to commentators. I know of a 
much sadder case. A fellow whose name was Drinkwater. 
He was born with the dryest of throats and generally was 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 49 

In hard luck and his name wouldn't go on the slate in any 
saloon in town. All he could get out of the bartender was: 
"No, drink water." 



MINE BY PROXY. 



One day, a rainy day, I was carrying a quite respecta- 
ble umbrella. Now everybody looked at me as though 
something was wrong, so sudden had that shower come 
up. A benevolent-looking gentleman with a white neck-tie 
stepped out of an entrance and said, 'Stop, that's my um- 
brella." I said, "No sirree; that's my umbrella. It's by 
proxy, and I can prove it. Yet hold, if you will tell me 
where you stole it, I'll surrender." He turned and left me, 
smilingly. Anyhow, I never heard of an umbrella that 
was stolen. There are lots of people who don't want to 
"show their hand," holding umbrellas, theirs by proxy. 



DAD'S GIFTS. 



As humanity, or so much of it, is due to an accident, 
and children are as common as ragweeds, they are too 
often treated accordingly. The embryotic little men and 
women grow up a reflex of their surroundings. An honest, 
joyous childhood should develop into a happy adolescence. 
The dishonesty of mankind to each other is perhaps due 
to the want of a proper appreciation and true regard, a 
feeling of partnership and love for the babies and children 
of the nation. Meanness, melancholy, misanthrope, harsh- 
ness and dishonesty are worked off on the children by too 
many people, with a hope of easing their own existence. 
To brighten up the world for the little people is to bright- 
en it up for ourselves. Then a houseful of them is a joy. 



50 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

One of the jolliest women I ever met was the mother of 
nine children, and she said she wouldn't much mind if 
she had another. 

On the other hand, a vast number of both women and 
men barely tolerate them. We give things to children and 
take them back again without recompense, or compunction 
of conscience, but this sort of thing is never effaced from 
their memory in after years — there ever remains a nasty 
lingering sting. There is a fellow named Lewis down in 
Texas, who writes for the newspapers, whom I well appre- 
ciate. While he will not rank with Eugene Field as the 
writer friend of the children, in ability perhaps, yet I 
vow he has his heart in the proper place and carries 
pecan nuts and pennies in his pockets for them, or he 
never could have written the following verses: 

Oh, the things that caused the greatest griefs that I have 

ever known 
Were the things that Daddie gave to me to be my ownest 

own; 
The little chicks, the little pigs, the colts, the ducks and 

calves ; 
When Daddie had a generous fit he didn't do by halves. 
The things the spirit moved him to; and so he gave to me 
The pigs, the ducks, the colts and things my ownest own 

to be. 

And so of course I cared for them just like a little man; 
I slopped the pigs and chased the ducks and fed the calves 

with bran; 
And carried salt out to the sheep, and with a great long 

rope 
I led the colt to pasture — oh, he was my greatest hope! 
When other boys went fishing or a-swimming in the creek 
I'd lead the colt where grass was green and watch his 

sides grow sleek. 



LIFE AS rVB POUND IT. 51 

The chicks with oaire grew big and fat, Dad carted them 

to town! 
The ducks were sold; my little pig was killed and salted 

down! 
The lambs in time were mutton and the calves transformed 

to veal!* 
But, oh, the very greatest woe that my young heart could 

feel 
Was yet to come! My colt, my friend, my wee heart's joy 

and pride, 
Dad sold him! Oh, I think that night I must have almost 

died! 



Dad found me in the wellhouse, where I'd gone to weep 

alone, 
And carried me in his strong arms into the dear old home. 
And said, "You must not weep, my boy, these things have 

got to be." 
And told me that when Christmas came he'd make it up 

to me; 
And so he did. The tree was lit, I stood there dumb with 

awe, 
Till Dad he brought my present out — ^a sawbuck and a saw! 



THE KID WITHOUT A MOTHER. 

Two youngsters were looking into a store window at 
some baby-feeding bottles, when one asked the other what 
"the things were." His companion answered in rough and 
virtuously indignant tones: "Don't you know what them 
is? Why, they're for kids that's born without mothers." 
The poor kids born that way are on the increase. 



52 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

THE ACME OF HUMAN FELICITY.- 

Some years ago I was a caller at one of those Eastern 
daily newspaper offices which guards the sanctum from the 
outside barbarians. The guardian angel in this case was 
an angeless, nice, neat trim and sweet looking, too. 

I had sent in my name beyond the lines, saw the man- 
aging editor who told me I would have to wait until 1 a. m. 
to get anything like full particulars of the devasting flood 
then on in the "Lone Star" stats. Tired of reading I had 
fallen into a doze, sitting with my back sort of edgeways 
from the pretty woman; I must too, have dreamt a sort of 
a fitting prologue. Anyhow I awakened at the right time, 
and as it is my habit (when away from home) to awaken 
quietly and gracefully — a cock-eyed look over my shoulder, 
focused a young lady with an ice-cream soda in her hana 
and conveniently near in the back ground a nice young man, 
and then: Ice cream soda eating, eating for two, out of 
one glass with one spoon, turn about real spoony-like, is, 
"Oh, oh, so nice" and certainly it is felicitous, yet after all 
it isn't a shake to what I witnessed at the end of the line: 

'Twas at the end of the line of a newly constructed rail- 
road, into a primeval Texas pine forest section: We had 
traveled all kinds of ways. That train was made up of 
any old thing so it had wheels. Part were flat cars. Many 
of the cars carried the "brand-mark" of railroads long dead, 
but which yet lingered savagely in the minds of those who 
had played them as favorites in the stock market. Our 
train whisked and frisked as a vessel upon a choppy sea. 
The woods re-echoed with the real thing in the whistle line. 
God's primitive forests with nature's habitues were dis- 
turbed as never before; stillness, sombre awe, and solitude 
giving away to the artificial of the bustling world from 
without, all because of the advent of the first train over the 
line. The opening of the line was being celebrated at its 




'We held on tight so the darn train shouldn't fall from the track"— Page 53. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 53 

far end by a barbecue, balloon raising and lots of the et 
ceteras which faking mankind always brings along on sncfx 
occasions. However, the children, old, young and of all 
colors, had gathered from near and from far, and were in 
waiting for the advent of the first train over the line, and 
to witness all the wonderful things. They had gathered 
from several counties away back and farther — "all the peo- 
ple." The candidates for ofl3.ce too were there, ranging 
from him who had aspirations for county or district constab- 
ulary down to those who would serve their country in the 
halls at Washington, all loaded and ready to go off or burst, 
if they could not tell us what they were "here for" — what 
they would do for our salvation and that of their country 
were they but to get into "them" oflEices. Well, we of that 
train crowd thought ourselves well up to snuff, at least as 
goes the Texas idea of knowingness, but at the end of the 
line we witnessed things, so many things that they would 
have made Mark Twain's funny bone howl for joy, had he 
been there. 

However I'll this time tell you of but one especial oc- 
currence. I'll tell it to you moreover because it relates to 
happiness; and it is for this (happiness) the sages have 
searched for ages, yet must have been largely in vain — 
But here 'tis: They were from Jasper county — "right back 
yander." They had ridden on the same "boss" and held 
on tight to each other, so the horse shouldn't fall. That 
was all right. We of the train crowd on that memorable 
trip, too, had held on tight to each other, but unfortunately, 
we were of a kind. We held en tight so the darn train 
shouldn't fall off the track; yet so far the case between us, 
was. almost horse and horse. Now our folks from, "away 
back yander," had progressed right along. They had eaten 
peanuts from the same pod, divided many colored and sugar 
soaked pop corn balls, also had wondered from where the 
pop came and speculated upon it as being significant as to 



54 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

"popping the question." In their own vernacular they had 
talked over and speculated upon the great world beyond 
viewing with awe and interest the "injun" and the "keers." 

They had even in mind to ask the boss of it all to make 
that thing toot for them and were concocting a scheme to 
have a sort of a private rehearsal of toots, if it could but be 
get to a Baptist hymn. They later stood upon a little emi- 
nence close to where the balloon was being inflated with the 
usual failures, pomp and ceremony attending such occa- 
sions. Jack said: "Mariar, it's getting busting big; 
wonder how many skins or bladders it took to make it?" 

pe was just taking a bottle of snuff from the saddle 
bags and with a conveniently handy hunting knife deftly 
drew the cork; handed Mariar the bottle who hastily took a 
good square dip. With love lit eyes, she handed the brush 
to Jack whose eyes looked love again in hers, and then 
after a little coy hesitation he took a aip. After which 
they went at it turn about. With the best politeness at my 
disposal, hat under my arm, I approached them, offered 
Jack a plug of tobacco with x x x on in exchange for 
but one square dip. 

You ought to have seen the way back look he shot at me 
in which his Mariar joined. I escaped the double shot just 
in time, but it busted the balloon. I took to the deep 
recesses of the forest before he had time to get his gun. I 
there bethought myself some on humanity; I took old Solo- 
mon into my confidence and thought of nature's god and 
our common brotherhood. I punished myself, I had ruth- 
lessly and without cause disturbed the Acme of Human 
Felicity. 



SPILLED MILK. 



What's the use of crying over "Spilled Milk," when you 
haven't any to spill? 




—"and held on tight to each other so the horse shouldn't fall."— Page 53. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 55 

DON'T RESOLUTE, ETC. 

1903 — It is unnecessary to those who know me to say, 
that I wish you a happy new year.— This carries with it 
all that an average level headed mortal needs for life. 
Smile (at the bar of fun) even if you can't tell a good 
story. When you meet a millionaire early in the morning, 
ask him whether he is happy. The poor devil can't ex- 
actly tell, until he reaches his office, and learns how the 
money monkeys are jumping. 

But on the whole don't resolute. One of the most 
resolutingest fellows I ever met, was Little Nap — the C'or- 
sican. We used to lie in the prison camp and talk over 
resoluting and he'd say, "Depew never resolute. Look at 
me at Waterloo and my return." I'd say "Pole," your a 
fool. — I've resoluted, that we "take one," each looking at 
the other pledging one the other, to never resolute at the 
the other pledging one the other, to never resolute, except 
to get good fellowship out of life. However, boys and girls 
of the lowering and rising generation, lets watch the 
ground swell and trees for the anaconda, the cormorant, 
well darn it, the Trusts. 

I've heard there will be a lot of work for poor people 
at the different mints. They are going to pull in the silver 
dollars and set em (the people) to work rubbing off the 
"In God We Trust." Those trust fellows are bound to 
have no side show business and privileges passing round, 
or square. They are going to be, 'The It," or nothing, so 
I'm told. 



CRIME AND SIN. 



We are continually at a loss to fix the limit of where 
sin and crime commences. Ike says: "If it vos a sin 
to bust — it vos one unpardonablest crime to bust mit 
noddings." 



56 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

WOMAN'S PRESERVER. 

Say what you will, we men oft are woman's preserver 
— a virtual blessing in disguise you might call us. No- 
where have I seen better evidence of it than while living in 
a frontier town. In a stag town; a frontier town, when 
there was a frontier; and where woman's advent was yet 
most conspicuous because of its sparsity. Yet we had 
some women. There were about fifty men to one woman 
of the population. That woman's virtue was safe. There 
were fifty men to keep it so. 



WHAT TO DO WITH POVERTY. 

It is a good thing, unless you can get rid of it in a 
lump, to try and keep your poverty to yourself. Nobody 
wants one's poverty. The reputation of being poor works 
against one's chances, for chance of bettering fortune. 

The reputation of being poor is harder to contend 
against than is poverty itself. Then it is not well even to 
yourself to think too much of your poverty. The doctors 
say nothing stands in the way of curing constipation so 
much as to continually making it a wailing plaint. Don't 
feel too poor to get better off! See! 



A FILLER. 

The printer bellowed loud and long for "a filler," so 
he could close the form and go to press. 

A filler is almost any old thing to the foreman to fill 
out a remaining space in the type forms from which a 
newspaper is printed. To the dry man, it means a 
schooner. With the tramp a "punk and plaster." The 
preacher, a good collection. With us, a dollar for our 
book. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 57 

LIFE INSURANCE. 

I am an advocate of life insurance and believe it is both 
good business policy and a duty for every man to carry 
some and for many people to carry lots of it. It's good 
policy to commence it when you are yet young for several 
reasons. The rate in the regular companies is inflexible. 
That is, you are charged the same each year as at the com- 
mencement and you get the advantage of the rate at which 
you begin at throughout life. Too, you shortly have it bred 
into the bone and it becomes a custom much easier to com- 
ply with than when undertaken later in life. Besides, with 
each passing year you are hazarding the chance of death 
without having any security that you will leave a dollar to 
your dearest of kin, or that your physical and mental con- 
dition will enable to get any insurance. Another point is 
that today your "family history" may be excellent, later 
consumption, paralysis and cancer may appear, barring 
you from getting insurance, if at all, only at much in- 
creased rates. The man who has a policy of insurance, kept 
in force, has a valuable asset on which he can help to raise 
money when needed. He is a better member of society. To 
have a policy of insurance keeps the wrinkles of care away 
and scatters the cobwebs of distrust in this age. The insur- 
ance that 1 had especially in mind when writing the fore- 
going is what is known by the profession as old line 
insurance in contradistinction to assessment or society in- 
surance. It is nearer a business proposition and the real 
thing for every one to have. However, do not take me as 
detracting from the value of any sort of insurance, all is 
good in its way, and the underlying principle is the same 
and emblematical of the best that makes up the superiority 
of the people of the day, as compared with more remote 
periods of the world's history. 



58 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

BROKE HIS NECK— THE FAMILY LEFT $50,000 "SHY." 

I have, as a rule, tried to make it my business to not 
be in everybody else's business and I pretty generally suc- 
ceed in maintaining this resolution. However, some fifteen 
years ago, just after I had quit the Life Insurance business 
and was still quite familiar with its various plans, aims and 
ends, as offered both straight and disguised I wandered 
into the office of a German who was in a small way engaged 
in many different forms of speculation. He felt well dis- 
posed toward me, as by strenuous appeals, assisted by some 
animal roughness (for which I'm sometimes blamed), I got 
this man some time before to make the investment that 
proved eventually to be the basis of his large fortune. It 
seems he nad a few days before been the investor to the 
extent of a $50,000 policy of "Tontine Life Insurance" and 
had in view a further investment of like extent. He said: 
"Depcw, I'm now with Hostetter, the Astors, Vanderbilt and 
Chauncey Depew. I have $50,000 life insurance and don't 
have to die to win." They brought to him pictures and 
statuets of these big ones, also fac-similes of their policies 
and autograph letters. He asked me to explain in detail 
about the wording of his policy, a thing I was decidedly 
averse to. However, as he was extremely urgent, I told him 
what the difference was between an estimate and guar- 
antee, a bond and promise, etc., etc. Just as this all was 
going on in came the people who had insured him, to col- 
lect the major portion of his first annual premium, he only 
having paid a small proportion (to grease the solicitor), 
when making his application for insurance. The general 
agent, a man of standing in the community, was along. I 
stepped into the backgroimd, while he prepared his check 
for them. After handing it to them he commenced talking 
OR the subjects we had discussed and finally drew me into 
'he trouble; of a sudden sent a boy to the bank to stop pay- 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 59 

men on the check. I had to stand a three-cornered fire and 
threats of a slander suit. But, I finally said: "I will pro- 
duce a man who if alive will bring before Mister S'. in black 
and white facts and figures proving that I have truly said 
there is no fixed limit as to the wide divergence that may 
result as between an estimate and guarantee, at the time 
settlement day arrives." It is not here or there, all the de- 
tails, but I went off to hunt up my man, whom I promised to 
bring back if alive within three days. I found him in the 
Allegheny Mountains and on crutches, he having met with 
an accident a few days before. We came back together a 
few days later, and the result was a compromise was ef- 
fected on the first year's premium, but the other $50,000 of 
insurance went glimmering. This man had no other idea of 
insurance than the entirely selfish one of an investment for 
himself. He had no particular thought of his family and 
less of impending death. However, mark the sequel: a few 
years later he fell down the elevator shaft of one of his 
buildings and broke his neck. His family was shy on one 
fifty thousand, but no doubt were glad to get the other. 



KNOCKED OUT OF INSURANCE AND A PAUPER. 

About everyone who has read, or meandered through 
this book, has learned that I am deaf and crippled. I have 
been deaf since 1878. Despite this fact, on account of hav- 
ing had until recent years an excellent hereditary — freedom 
on part of a long line ancestry, from diseases of the fiesh, 
people who averaged beyond the Biblical three score and 
ten before they left this pleasant world. Also because my- 
self possessed of a most rugged constitution and a fine 
physical development, I was enabled to obtain life insurance 
at nominal rates. I invested, too, to the extent of carrying 



60 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

according to my recollection, perhaps as much as $20,000 at 
one time. At various times, for what at those times seemed 
good reasons to me, I dropped it, including $2,500 of en- 
dowment insurance, which would have matured when I 
was about 37 years of age, so that finally I had none at all. 
At the age when I would have had this little lump of 
money, I was at work for the pittance of $10.00 per week 
with a family of small children. Money was coming harder 
than a few years before, yet but for my folly of having 
dropped this insurance I could have managed to have paid 
the premium right along. I got the grippe and when I 
should have been in bed I struggled along, and one morning 
could not get out of bed. I was stricken with partial 
paralysis. While in this condition my mother was stricken 
with paralysis and died within thirty days of when I was 
stricken. My father had died about a year previously from 
the same disease. During the time I was bedfast a near 
relative called and I was told about the first thing he said. 
"Look at him" (pointing to me), "it's up with this part of 
the Depew family for life insurance. I am glad I have as 
much as I'm able to carry.'" How hard it went with me and 
my little family I can never tell in detail. I do not want to 
tell it all. I want to forget it, but I feel it a debt to my 
fellow men to tell in part. 

Owing to several and unwarranted circumstances to 
which was added the sudden death of my mother, I was dis- 
inherited, and where I would have been the beneficiary of 
a small fortune I was left a pauper. The $2,500 of endow- 
ment which I had allowed to lapse years before would have 
been due just when I most needed money. My condition of 
utter helplessness appealed to the cupidity of those nearest 
to me and I was frightened into packing up and taking my 
family to a distant section of the country, or in case of re- 
fusal, threatened with an asylum or the poor house. My 
physical and mental infirmity, added to my poverty, made 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 61 

me an easy mark. However, by good luck and care in a fine 
climate I was eventually restored to heaith and came back 
by "installments," any old way, to where I had dwelt, with 
the one idea uppermost to endeavor to assert my birthright 
and get justice. I was at the battleground but a short time, 
when I met with a street accident, which compelled me to 
go to a hospital for several months and for more months 
to use crutches and to this day a cane to assist me in walk- 
ing. In the meantime, my family was on the ragged edge 
of want and despair, and some fifteen hundred miles away. 
As soon as I got out of the hospital and set about my 
litigation I found that I had been outlawed. In order to 
overcome this difficulty it was necessary to have the pres- 
ence of the physician who had attended me in Texas, and 
this I could not bring about, as he was in distant lands, a 
chief surgeon in the American army in the Spanish War. 
But a few years a go I was so reduced in this world's 
goods as to be compelled to buy furniture on the installment 
plan, and at an age approximating 50 years old (young) to 
commence life over without a dollar in cash. It does not 
take a very acute mind to see what figure life insurance 
(the absence of it), cut in my career. It would have given 
us food, drink, home and justice. I could tell much about 
life insurance, as I have been in the business both as an 
agent and a solicitor, and thoroughly mastered the ins and 
outs of one of the most noble and necessary institutions of 
the present age. 

Insure your life, young man and young woman. Tell 
the agent that I told you to do so. I'll warrant you he will 
say, "What's the matter with Depew, he's all right," and 
he'll add, "I'm awful sorry that he's uninsurable.' 



62 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

DOGS ARE DECENT. 

There are a whole lot of good things to be said about 
dogs. Even a half educated dog will wag his tail hard and 
bark, and for a deaf man he will jump around, give him a 
welcome and lick his hands. I've never yet had to kick a 
four legged dog for telling lies into my speaking trumpet. 
They are ashamed to do it. 



GOOD MANNERED DOG. 



We had a dog who would fight almost anything on legs. 
One time I noticed he took a biting from an other dog that 
crippled one of his paws. I could not understand why he 
took it without resentment, until I found out the other dog 
was not just a dog, but a doggess. His gallantry respected 
the sex. 



DOG ETIQUETTE. 



We had another dog; my! how polite he was. His 
table manners would not allow him to snatch anything from 
the tom-cat. and when I went visiting at a certain place he 
always let me lead through the gate to take his card in 
first to the bull dog. 



DON'T BE A HOG. 



Don't be a hog. But if you must be a hog go the whole 
liog — be a drove. It is just as easy and you will be called 
gifted of men. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



63 



THE WORLD'S SWIFTEST ELECTRIC CAR. 

The electric car pictured herewith was built in Ger- 
many with the expectation that it would speed over terra 
firma at the rate of 125 miles an hour. It failed to do this, 
but passengers were whirled along at the rate of 90 miles 
per hour, which speed has never been equaled or excelled 
by any other electric car. The car runs over a new electric 




line connecting Berlin and Hamburg. Electricity has not 
found its limit yet. It would not be surprising to me to 
see it as a power supercede steam entirely in railroad 
travel, although perhaps more through the dictates of sen- 
timent than reason my love for the horse (do not laugh) 
and the mule, I cannot permit myself to think it will dis- 
place them. I believe that I could not be happy in a coun- 
try which is horseless and dogless. 



64 LIFE AS' I'VE FOUND IT. 

WE USHER IN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. 

Early on the 31st day of December, Anno Domino, 1900, 
an ominous stillness, a quiver of expectation portentious 
of a happening long looked for took possession of the peo- 
ple of the land. The branch of the Depew family of which 
I am the honored head, were no exception to the rule. 

I had been preparing for several weeks for celebrating 
the bringing' to life, a new century, and was determined on 
one thing, that I was not going to be pushed back and 
Blighted as I was when the nineteenth century was born. 
I took little Hank (our little Hank) into my confidence. 
We determined on a musicale (get that word right), and 
we had rehearsed in the cellar, and when the cellar got 
too hot for us, in the barn, where we kept the caliope 
housed. Yes, we had rehearsed for the Yammer Wesen 
(get that word right), for several weeks until we swelled 
up with pride in anticipation of the applause which would 
greet our part in the celebration of the great event. 

We (that means me) are musical despite the fact that 
we are deaf. We keep a caliope in the barn, and on great 
occasions take it out and upon the hill part of our yard dis- 
coursing, without favor and cost sweet music for several 
townships 'round about — there is nothing small or mean 
about us. 

Well, we generaly spiel (High Dutch for play) sacred 
music, but in honor of the great event confronting us In 
celebrating the advent of another hundred years, varied 
the usual program some. We ran our nimble fingers over 
the keyboard of the caliope several times '^n honor of 
the event we fired up the boiler with We ..gliouse nat- 
ural gas, and Frick's crushed coke, so that there would 
be no question of the wind giving out, or crimination and 
recrimination for showing favoritism between these great 
purveyors of fuel. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 65 

When everything was "right," we played a fantasia, 
composing it as we went along, pleasing to every one, 
calming and soothing to the mother, and pretentious of a 
happy babyhood of the little stranger yet unborn. We 
quickly run over the airs most popular of the last century. 
We played to get our hand in. After a little persuasion 
we got Lovenia to go around to "the house" and see that 
nothing had been overlooked — flannels, paregoric, etc., for 
the babe, a cordial for the mother, and to report progress. 
We will just say here, that we were a little elated that 
everything was coming out all right. Correspondingly 
Lovenia and some of her friends of the same persuasion, 
v/ere abashed, that it "had not come prematurely." 

We kept our eye on the clock dial, and then as "the 
time" was near at hand played "Good-by Eliza Jane." We 
followed this by the "Rogues' March." Just before 12 
midnight: We played with variations, "Come where my 
love lies dreaming." 

All of a sudden, we heard an infantile squeel, and 
there were noises in general over the wide world. There 
was a rift in the clouds, and the upper drum-major gave 
us the cue, and we let out with all fours, "BABY MINE." 
Lord, how we played. Our little Hank accompanied us, 
playing the Horse-fiddle. He played like Ole Bull. 

The congratulations of the world were with us, and 
applause from Europe, Asia and Africa, America, Oceanica, 
Cuba, Porto Rico, Hawaii, the Philippine Islands, Guam 
and our other uncertainties were showered upon our heads. 
12:30 A. M., Anno Domino, 1901. Hark, Hank! What's 
this; she's coming. I hastily bowed our thanks to the 
people of the world, and pleaded another engagement in 
order to be excused. It came, hard to disappoint the peo- 
ple of the earth, who had no use for another century with- 
out Deaf Depew lining out what they ought to do. 



66 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

Ttie advance agent came. 'Twas our nemisis, 'twas 
Lovenia. Little Hank skipped and hid in the shadow of 
the past century, behind the barn. But, owing to my lame 
leg and a ton or two of boquets, I couldn't make the riffle. 

Postscript the first: Lovenia had the wash paddle and 
began to play upon my back, "Lay on, Macduff." 'Twas 
true, I called enough, but the woman was irate. 

Postscript the second: I thought there wouldn't be 
any. How that "poor, weak and abused martyr" had laid 
on them blows. Lord, what spirited action the old girl 
displayed, and "she is no spring chicken any more" — she 
said so herself in a dream 'tother night. 

Postscript the third: I haven't much gab left, but 
that "only woman" has a meal and soothing drinks for 
little Hank and me, worthy for the tail end of the Depew 
family, such as I hope every mother's son of you, born 
and ^mborn, will have from day to day. I wish you all 
a happy century and many returns. 



MOTHER'S EARTH. 



There is nothing too good for the baby. A young 
woman whose first child was in distress because of its ten- 
der skin being chafed and sore, called in great excite- 
ment at a nearby druggist, and asked for, "Mother's earth 
for my baby." 



THE INCUBATOR MOTHER. 

It is said that the society women are viewing with in- 
tense interest every reported case of children "raised" by 
the incubator, with view of learning how early in the game 
of life it will eventually prove successful. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 67 



TO DO THE THING WHICH IS RIGHT. 

To do the thing w,hich is right always recalls in one's 
self a pleasant memory. To do an act of kindness often 
comes back to one even after the lapse of years as a mat- 
ter of material benefit. I will cite an example that befell 
me. I noticed several suspicious-looking fellows who 
seemed to be "doing" a gentlemanly-looking foreigner. It 
was in an eastern city, close to a railroad depot. He was 
lying over for a day while bound for Texas. He was 
a Swede and outside of that language could only make 
himself understood in French and German. He was being 
worked by the fellows. I got him out of their clutches 
and he handed me his card. I do not know how it hap- 
pened, but from mere accident, that I had that card worn 
and fly specked in my pocket several years thereafter, while 
traveling in Texas. As was habitual with me, when travel- 
ing, especially when I wanted things to turn up, I asked all 
sorts of questions about the town bound for. This particular 
time I recollect, I was asking: "Are the fleas bad? Have they 
any ice? Who is the biggest man in town? Who is the 
best known all-around good fellow? Wlio is the meanest 
man in town?, etc." 

Among other things there was a kind of consensus 
of opinion who was the meanest man in town. I de- 
termined to see him flrst. The meanest man in town often 
has hardly ever been bandied right. Besides this, I recol- 
lected all of a sudden that the surname was the same as 
the man whom I had done the little turn for in the east 
and whose card I still carried in my pocket. Of course 
it struck me at once that he might be a relative of the 
meanest man in town, and having befriended him would 
do me no harm with tJie "meanest man in town," as it 
cost him nothing. 



68 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

When I got off and the runners wanted my traps I 
said, sternly, "Not yet! I want to go first to the Post 
Office and see old P. M. before I pick a hotel." I looked 
"business," and they had it in for old P. M., and thought 
from my view that I was bent on settling some score with 
him. Three or four wanted to carry my things for fun. 
When I got there he was very busy, it being a star-route 
post office center, and the mails were there made up for 
several counties off from the railroad. 

I, however said: "Sir, I understand, but do not be- 
lieve it LO be true, that you are the meanest man in town." 
He said: "What can I do for you?" I pulled out the card 
from my pocket and asked him whether he knew the man. 
I learned he was his relative, had been there, was too 
tender-skinned, left for Chicago, where there were more 
Swedes and congenial surroundings. He sent me to a 
hotel and we had a long talk that evening. It seemed 
that his relative from Sweden had brought him some luck 
— he could not serve him for it in Texas, but was quite 
glad to do a turn for the man who eased the path of his 
friend and relative en route. He helped to get me em- 
ployed. 

THE MANISH WOMAN. 

The modern, the new woman for me? Not by a jug 
full. Take your pantaloonatic with her close cropped hair 
and her tailor coat. Give me the rounded out pantie dille- 
tante, who still has use for a man, whose eyes are lumin- 
ous, and upon whose cheeks the lilies and the roses chase 
each other for mastery. 



BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE. 

It is better to give than to receive, as the dog said who 
bit the other dog. 




LIBERTY BELL. 

At Charleston Exposition.— Page 69. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 69 



THE LIBERTY BELL AT THE CHARLESTON EXHIBI- 
TION. 

The old Liberty bell, by which American liberty was 
proclaimed to the world from Independence hall, Philadel- 
phia, on July 4, 1776, as exhibited at the Charleston exposi- 
tion. It was taken to New Orleans in 1885, to the World's 
Fair, Chicago, in 1893, and to the Atlanta exposition in 
1895. 

I hope liberty shall ever ring throughout this land, 
although just now plutocracy seems to be in the "saddle." 
The people may have in Theodore Roosevelt the man to 
demand and succeed in his efforts, that the people shall 
ride the horse of state. At any rate the people should 
"give the man a chance." Our country is more to me than 
any political party. In this I voice the spirit of my an- 
cestors, who fought the Indians prior to the Revolutionary 
War; helped along in whipping the "Mother Country," and 
all the other "unpleasantnesses" to maintain the integrity 
and democracy of the States. 



70 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

BISMARCK WORKED US. 

We have a dog. He goes by two names — Prince and 
Bismarck. Whenever I want him to charge the neighbors' 
dogs he knows what to do. "^Tien I point out the door 
and yell. Bismarck, rauss!" 

One time the boys brought home a kitten. Of course 
everybody made or had to make of that cat, and Bismarck 
was cowed into letting it more or less alone. He showed 
his displeasure in various ways because of the fuss made 
over the kitten. Always quickly about his grub, he'd first 
eat away from that cat potatoes, baked beans and the like, 
which he always detested at other times in order that kitty 
should have none. Then he took a turn at being sulky, 
and would not eat at all, until he was petted and the cat 
removed from the room. He became very serious, and 
when the kitten became so bold as to play with his tail, 
and he was not allowed to go for her for insulting his 
dignity, — then it was that he disappeared for several days. 
Of course everybody bothered about his disappearance. On 
his return he would not come in the house until coaxed 
and petted as in his old happy days. It was ascertained 
that he had been to the house during his absence, where 
we had lived the year before, and where no durned cat had 
dwelt to share the affection and caresses which he felt 
belonged to him alone. 



WHAT'S THE MATTER, ANYWAY. 

BVery once in a while things seem upside down. Now 
here in the blooming month of May I'm sitting writing 
by the fireside. I suggest to the fellows who get up cal- 
andars and almanacs to hereafter call it the month of 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 71 

"May-be" or "May-be-so." I think it was in the year 1877 
that in the Middle States (Geography old style) they had a 
green Christmas and ran excursion trains from city to rail- 
road picnic ground. The night before Christmas that day 
witnessed a great rain storm in Norther in Central Texas, 
when niggers froze to death in several places. You all 
remember a few yeare ago when the orange groves froze in 
Florida and Louisiana and Southern Texas was covered 
with snow? I was living in the latter State at the time, 
and some fellows who had come down from Michigan at 
that time looked around mad-like for the fellows who had 
got off in the immigration matter. Talk about your climate! 
We here of Texas sit under our own vine and fig trees, 
bask in the sunshine, while you shiver by the fireside in 
your frozen North. I tried to fix the thing up telling 
them that our children had become so cheeky as to deny 
their masters' assertion at school, about the very exist- 
ence of such a thing as snow, which most of them had 
never seen. That it was but as a lesson on the "kinder- 
garten," plan necessary to maintain school discipline. 
Besides this, it was a welcome to our Northern friends to 
make 'em feel at home and show 'em there was no longer 
any North or South or East or West, but one united 
country. It was a hard thing to restore confidence there, 
although I played my best Solomon pieces. 

However, old Sol, came out in a day or two and drove 
away everything except the darned photographs, taken 
on the spot, which the high winds, or highwaymen, called 
real estate agents, are still blowing from Kansas to the 
Canada line. About the best forecast of the weather we 
can make is a good hindcast and place little confidence 
in the v/eather during May, and maybe the rest of them. 
Here it is a few days before Decoration day, 1902, with 
frost. Decoration day, 1872, the thermometer ranged in 
the nineties, and there were several cases of sunstroke. 



72 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

RUSTING OUT. 

Every day I see people who are practically to all in-. 
tents and purposes rusting their lives away. Yes, who are 
bound to lose from five to twenty years of the length they 
might live for the sheer want of activity. This loss can 
be multiplied by two in the loss of pleasure entailed be- 
cause of their lazy, aimless drifting.. 

"I don't like this and I don't like that, 
I'm almost tired to death. 
Nothing to do, no where to go, 
But obliged to draw my breath." 

I knew a fellow who appeared to De a chronic rheu- 
matic. He would sit all day on the fence, barring a shift 
about to keep in the shade, watching his little boys work- 
ing in the field. He was so lazy that he would scarcely 
spit tobacco over his chin. If he ever had done any work 
it must have been years back from any knowledge of him. 
His shiftless life caused him to lose his property. He 
all of a sudden roused up and was employed for years 
afterward about the stock yards, and there was no more 
rheumatism, and he actually seemed to appear ten years 
younger. Although he had turned sixty, facing once more 
the realities and activities of life, placed him where alone 
one can realize the enjoyments of life and a healthy flow 
of blood. 



THE DOWNED PRUNE. 



If there is anything an honorable fair-minded man feels 
incumbent upon him to do it is to stand up for any good 
thing tha.'t downed. Boarding house hash and dried ap- 
ples long held the floor, for criticism and censure. They 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 73 

probably well deserved most of the strictures placed upon 
them, but when all the poor wits turned upon the prune 
and seemed sit down upon so as to never let it rise again. 
I felt like taking the prune's part especially, as it really 
is one of the most valuable of our fruit products. 

The prune is an ancient institution. After the fall, 
it preceded the second rising of mankind, and it has stayed 
right with us. The prune is largely like the bean, it 
can't be downed for good. It is because the prune, like the 
bean, cannot be downed that mankind keeps up. 

Of course we all know that every prune isn't per- 
fect, no more than the women who sometimes make a 
mess in cooking a really fine lot of prunes. However, 
when soaked over night, stewed in his own soak, and dou- 
ble the amount of good, red wine added, with plenty of 
sugar and Dutch dumplings finished to a boil, you have 
a great dish even for a party returning from a funeral. ^ 

Eugene Field, hesitating to dip into the strawberries 
at a blow-out given in his honor at Chicago, asked whether 
he did not like strawberries, said: "Indeed, I do, but 
I was hesitating because I could not see how I'd ever get 
down to boarding-house prunes again." 

Strawberries taste all right, but they are mostly 
water. They are a thing for a day, and they always make 
the poor feel bad when beyond their reach in the winter 
season. I feel a little grateful to the fellow who got off 
the following few lines, and will feel well repaid if the 
person whose purse was intended for prunes is a little 
more tolerant of the prune after reading it. 

The strawberriesi come quite early, 

Though they reach their prime in June, 

Then the other berries follow. 
But we always have the prune. 

Oh, the prune, the prune! 



74 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

The tart and wholesome prune! 
When we eat it in the morning 

The whole system keeps in tune. 
It saves us from the doctor, 

It saves its weight in pills, 
And when the Meat trust threatens, 

It keeps down butchers' bills. 
Oh, the prune, the prune! 

It is good in March or June, 
The staple fruit of boarders, 

A fine food for white and "coon." 



TEMPERANCE. 



I was wandering along the residence neighborhood 
of the town, when suddenly overtaken by a heavy rain. 
Wet as I got, I was glad to find a beer saloon for com- 
fort. While there I looked around, of course, and was 
thankful when in a short time the sun again came out 
with increased heat, permitting my escape. I said to 
myself, there is true temperance surely in not getting too 
wet inside or outside. 

To be temperate, must one be intemperate? 



HUNTING MYSELF. 



"Perchance some form was unobserved. 
Perchance in prayer or faith he swerved." 
I could not sleep. I got out of bed with a sudden no- 
tion that I could write. When I got to where the writing 
material was I was vacuous. I started to walk around the 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 75 

room, lit a cigar, and stuck the wrong end in my mouth. 
Then I looked under the bed, scratched my head dubiously, 
took an other turn about and finally stood with my clothes 
in my hand, but was suddenly confronted by an irate 
woman with, "What on earth is the matter, have you lost 
anything? and you're not going out this time o' night?" 

It was recorded that I replied, "Yes, I've lost some- 
thing?" "What is it?" "Myself." "I'm going down town 
to see if there isn't someone who knows me and have him 
hunt me up." 

"Prisoner of hope thou art, look up and sing." 



THE DROUGHT. 



There was a protracted drought in Kansas. The Pro- 
hibitionists were in office. Were the Prohibitionists to 
blame for the trouble? If not * * * 

I dare not finish that in deference of the expressed 
and expressing convictions of my . 

Let's slip off into the next township and take a drink 
of new buttermilk. 'Tis less palatable and healthy than 
is somewhat stronger. Do not put new wine in old bot- 
tles. They don't like it. Treat yourself meanly; it markes 
other people happy. 



A CONSIDERATE MOTHER. 

One of the most considerate mothers I ever knew 
was she who gave her child cloroform before she whipped 
it. 



76 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

NOON HOUR HAPPENINGS. 

For the man who "lives" there is always something 
happening. I had just left the desk where I am writing 
these pages amid the burr of linotype machines, presses 
and engines, to get my mid-day meal, when I met my old 

friend, Sam S . He had a broad scowl on his face and 

I asked him, "What's the matter?" "Matter, hell, the 
census," he said. Well, I asked him, "What's the matter 
with the census?" "Same old thing," he answered. Sadie 
(his wife) has had another pair of twins. "Doing well?" 
"Why, they always do well." 

"Well, come along and take dinner with me." He said 
he wasn't eating dinner, but he wouldn't mind a drink, if 
there wouldn't be no more talk about the census. 

Next, I picked up a boa — or something which a lady 
had dropped off from behind of her. I saw it fall, but 
when I politely handed it to her, she said: "Young man 
(thanks for the appelation), you insult me. I never wore 
such a thing in all my days." I said, "wear it now," and I 
left it with her, and she straightway hunted a place where 
women can put their different parts together unobserved 
by wicked men. I jogged along in the hurly burly won- 
dering whether any one would ask me to dinner, as I had 
just had my invitation refused. I looked real hungry like, 
and it telepathed me right up against the president of the 

brewery, who said: "Depew, I can't eat alone, and 

feel happy." To this I said, "My business is to make people 
happy, all right, I'll go you." He knew just where to go. 
We had spare ribs. The kind where the fork slips right 
through, browned to a turn, rich gravy; sweet potatoes; 
lots of celery; rye bread and butter; and part of my friends 
brewery to wash it down. The old man began to tell me 
how many drinks they allowed all the employees, daily, and 
the feats of strength of the wagon drivers, &c., and wound 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 77 

up: "Now, you know why Roosevelt iss, the man he isa." 
After a few remarks about the election and a few mutual 
damns distributed without fear and favor on those of the 
Dutch who voted to keep "Doc" Barchfield from going to 
Congress, we parted to "meet vonce more again quite soon- 
er." I thought I'd go to the engravers. The boss engraver 
had not come back from lunch. I was patting my belly and 
humming a little tune, "It's twins once more; ain't you 
never done?" and was jolted on the shoulder by a stranger, 
a burly-looking old Irishman. 

To pass time we talked. That is I talked and he wrote 
(I hear on paper). I discovered that he was 89 years old, 
although he looked but 60. I asked him whether he smoked 
or drank. He said that he had never used tobacco. That, 
he had never tasted liquor or beer. Yes, never tasted 
drinks ***** until he was 47 years old. 

I asked him whether he liked to drink. He answered 
that he had never missed a day since, but what he had had 
at least "wan drink," and "I makes me own bitters and 
better nor them there are none in the land; look at me 
heft and think of me age." 

Our engraver stayed away too long,so after "so- 
longing" our old friend from the "gem of the say," 
I hurried along until I struck the bulletin board 
before an afternoon paper oflBce, and there was 
no little merriment as I was espied by some 
friends, who with one accord pointed out to me the news: 
"A boy in Allegheny who has been almost stone deaf re- 
gains his hearing immediately after having stepped onto 
a ilve wire that had fallen to the street." They tried to 
shin me up the pole in front of the Telegraph newspaper 
office, to dance on the wires, but 200 pounds of averde- 
pews was too much for them — they hadn't eaten dinner 
with my old friend the brewer. 



78 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



CUBA'S FIRST PRESIDENT. 
F. Ebtrada Palma, President of Cuba. 

When told that his election was conceded, President 
Palma said: "It shall be my aim to strengthen the friend- 
ly feeling which exists between Cuba and the United 
States. The Cubans, of course, appreciate the fact that to 
the United States they owe a great debt of gratitude." In 
the Cuban revolution of 1868-78 he was elected president 
of Cuba and spent a year in a Spanish prison. The votes 
of the Cubans elect Senor Palma, and their choice was 
agreeable to the sentiment of the people of the United 
States. His protracted residence in our country has placed 
him in raport with the spirit of the people and our institu- 
tions. Should events bring about a condition of affairs 
jeopardizing Cuba's integrity as a republic, undoubtedly 
Estrada Palma will advocate annexation to the United 
States. 




F. ESTRA.DA PALMA. 
President of Cuban Republic. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 79 

WHAT I GAVE HIM. 

Among the persons v/ho were friendly to me while 
looking up purchasers for this book, was an Israelite. He, 
some years back, had but little money and that he is now 
wealthy, he partly blames me as the inspiring cause. I 
practically compelled him to buy a piece of land, against 
his biased judgment. This purchase turned out to be 
his start on the road to wealth. Of course a friendly feel- 
ing toward me was established. 

On the day the Jews celebrate as the "Atonement," 
I was in his office, and he said, "Depew, what are you go- 
ing to give me for the people who subscribed for your 
book by my advice?" I pondered a moment, and said: 
"Ise, I give you much." "Veil, what?" "I forgive you all 
your sins against me." 

It goes without saying that he enjoyed the reply. 



I AM, NOT I MAYBE. 



More than half of this book v/as written while the 
linotype machines were setting it up. In fact, I kept 
racing ahead of the operator, so I had to let up on my 
canvass for the book for the time. I had enough to do. 
While in the printing office one day a fellow came in en- 
deavoring to sell maps. He interested me some, as among 
his samples he had one advertising the Alamo Business Col- 
lege of San Antonio, Texas — that place having been my 
home for several years. I got to talking about my book. 
He remarked: 'Why, it's not doing so bad to get five hun- 
dred and fifty subscriptions for your book in thirty-eight 
working days, besides doing the "chores" around home. 
Really, you have the making of a canvasser in you." To 



80 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

this I said: "What?" He repeated it. I said in answer: 
"Young man, I have not the making of a canvasser in me, 
but I AM a canvasser. Now, when you want to sell a map 
do not forget to call at my home." 
Don't be a maybe, be an I AM. 



NEW ORLEAN'S PLEASANT RESORIS. 

I lived the major portion of a year in the city of Ntv 
Orleans. Vv^hile I had many pleasant acquaintances therfc, 
and kind friends, I felt in a measure largely lost, which 
a deaf man away from his family, unless accompanied by 
a crony, always feels. 

Among the places I liked to frequent when not busy 
was Audibon Park and the Young Men's Christian Asso- 
ciation — don't laugh. At the former I saw nature and scA, 
in the glorious grov/th of trees and flowers. I also visited 
the State Experimental Farm close by, and was much in- 
terested in their various experiments, especially in the 
variety of the sugar cane they cultivated and analyzed. 
But there were long evenings that I often spent at the 
"Y. M. C. A." rooms. There I could find a number of 
papers and magazines to read, view the people and chew 
and spit tobacco. They in New Orleans were, and I hope 
still are, not so narrow as to dictate on this tobacco habit. 
On Sundays they did not remove the secular reading mat- 
ter, nor insist on driving everybody to their chapel. 
On the contrary, tried to make me comfortable when they 
learned how deaf I was. As a result how can I feel other 
toward that "Y. M. C. A." than it is the best one I know 
of in a life marked by no little wandering. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 81 

TOBACCO AND SO FORTH. 

This is Saturday. The fellows who run the linotype 
machines where I am, among the whirr of this and other 
machinery, writing this book, are having a kind of a day 
off. The young fellow who corresponds to what is the 
"devil" in the regular printing office, was "fooling" some 
with me, and for his irreverence I said: "Young man, you 
ought not to chew tobacco." I asked him "how long have 
you chewed tobacco?" To this he said he had ever since 
he was six years of age. 

The other day I saw this fourteen-year-old boy, sturdy 
as they are made, wrestling with another of the employees, 
who was about a grown man, and the larger one was un- 
able to throw the little fellow. Now, the larger one does 
not use tobacco. I do not say he ought to use tobacco, but 
I'd like to know why the little fellow got his strength, 
and why the other fellow was not able to vanquish him. 
Both, from all appearances, are in good health. 

I remember when having the grippe, I could not retain 
food on my stomach, no more than take a spoonful of 
water at the time and retain it — but I could chew tobacco. 
The doctor attending me, being other than a fool, told 
me to keep on chewing as long as it agreed with me. I 
once for an entire year neither smoked or chewed tobacco, 
also abstained from the use of all manner of intoxicants, 
including light wine and cider, I also drank neither cof- 
fee nor tea, and cannot recall a more miserable year of 
my life. It is far from my mind to boast of great strength, 
but I can with east pick up my wife and eldest boy, and 
despite a crippled leg, can, with ease, chase around the 
room with them. Their combined weight is at least two 
hundred and eighty-five pounds. 

It must not be taken that I advocate the use of to- 
bacco by the youth of the land. The truth is I deplore it, 



82 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

especially the prevalence of the cigarette habit. I think 
there should be a good application of barrel stave or 
slipper on the "bottom" of every child who persists in 
using them, as a cure. However, the harm in them it is 
well established is mostly due to the wrappers and adul- 
teration of the tobacco. I would not care for an army, 
the soldiers who were not addicted to the tobacco 
habit, any more than I would entrust my cattle to cow- 
boys who did not smoke and chew. It is a curious fact, 
but true, that I never knew a good greenhouse man, 
chemist or newspaper man, but what used tobacco in one 
form or another. 



MINISTERS OF THE CHURCHES. 

There are always persons so extreme in views that 
they cannot philosophically, honestly and intelligently 
analyze the opinions of others. Undoubtedly many per- 
sons will rail against this book for its irreverence. This I 
cannot help. The most that I am. really guilty of, I think is, 
that I am. unable to view humanity and the wonders of cre- 
ation by merely squinting through a narrow crack in the 
fence. I have nothing but respect for the man who says of 
things v/hich in his heart he knows, he does not know the 
simple truth, "I do not know." 

The man who often thus answers of the great 
speculative problems knows much. He is willing 
to learn that which he is able to comprehend, and in 
learning anything at all, he broadens his mind for greater 
things. Be it far from me to talk against mind pictures. 
The man without imagination is, if not a dolt, a mere 
machine, and never helps much to blaze the march of 
progress. The preacher who is willing and able to learn 
the ways of man, I think is, THE PREACHER. He who 



LIFE AS I'VE POUND IT. 83 

learns to comprehend most of the wonders of creation and 
towards that which we should do in conformity of the de- 
mands of the scheme of life, is certainly no mean leader 
of his fellows. Add that he is a man of good morals, sub- 
scribing to the now so much talked of "Brotherhood of 
Man" plan, is certainly in accord with the spirit of the 
Almighty. 

A church idea broad enough to embrace the human 
family cannot rest on the narrow doctrines of creed and 
discipline. I have at this moment in mind a little preacher 
friend. He is only little as regards the body. Yet this man 
struggled to get a college education. He is actuated by mo- 
tives broad enough that should burst the fetters of en- 
vironment with which he is encircled as would a ton of 
dynamite. He cannot find enough to do in the way of being 
helpful to his neighbors. While attending lectures he 
made himself familiar with shorthand. He has of late 
organized a class of the neighborhood boys and girls, and 
is teaching them stenography. He is doing this for their 
material benefit, and will accept no compensation. We 
are two people at variance on theological subjects, but I 
guess in an emergency, either would risk his life for the 
other, and a certain book says "man cannot do more 
than this." 

When one views the missions of Mexico, Texas, Cali- 
fornia and New Mexico, the creation of the Catholic priests 
of past centuries, who not alone taught gospel to the na- 
tives, but taught them to cultivate the soil, and useful 
handicrafs, we must take our hats off to them. We who 
have made use of the irrigation ditches, the water of 
which caused the growth of vegetation useful to our needs, 
centuries after the decease of the preachers through whose 
efforts they came into being, where God had left an almost 
desert condition before their advent, cannot be honest 
and ignore them, their real religion — their works. 



84 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

The preacher who wants no holier land than to make 
man holy in making him, a brother even as Christ had 
hoped for on this earth is, a good enough preacher for me. I 
take off my hat nevertheless to all the brethren of the 
cloth. Gentlemen, you and I are but frail mortals. We 
are but common dust. Dost know it and feel it? We 
should deal charitably toward each other. When you 
view my shortcomings forgive me, even as Christ had the 
rabble at the crucifixion — "forgive them Father, for they 
know not what they do." I'll do the same for you. Don't 
say I "can't play in your yard any more." 



THE WRATH TO COME. 



Why so much of "the wrath to come," when we have so 
much of it already? 

Some people are never happy unless they are miserable. 

Some people are never happy unless someone else is 
miserable. 

Yet who will say there are more mishaps than Miss 
Happies? But the greatest of all is Mrs. Happiness. 



GOODY-GOODY PEOPLE. 



Of all the people, the "goody-goody" people stir up my 
wrath most. I never can tie to them. They are nearly al- 
ways narrow-minded or hypocrites. The answer I gave one 
who was criticising some unconventional thing I had done 

was this way. H you horoscope is damned limited, 

but, sir, your horrible scope is without limit. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 85 

A WALK WITH "BISMARCK." 

It is sometimes healthy to take a walk at 3 g. m. When- 
ever I take such a walk and Bismarck has no previous en- 
gagement, I take him along. One morning when it was 
hard to jolly myself, I happened to see an Irish policeman 
who was looking especially sleuthy-like coming toward us. 
I stood and stared real hard at a desirable looking house 
and let the peeler come up to me. I said: 

"That is your house. (I permitted no breaking in on my 
talk.) It ain't bad for a peeler. There must be a graft in 
this city employment business. Man let me in on some 
of your deals, I'll play fair and we'll work it for a block." 

By this time he v/as hot, and held his locust threaten- 
ing like and said, "What the devil am I up against any- 
how?" To this I answered: "That's what I've been trying 
to find out about myself for the last twenty years." 

"Durn yer nibs," he answered, "if that 'ere dorg hadn't 
a license plate on, I'd take ye both in." 



TELLING AND WRITING IT. 

Now, it is to my mind, very flat to read a story, as 
against hearing it told. 

I hope some time to be able to tell some of the stories 
in this book, and many others, by word of mouth, to its 
readers and their friends, and hope and believe we will 
like each other as brothers should. I recall a little repartee 
that occurred between Tom Marshall (deceased) and 
myself. TOm was a local celebrity, and a man built by 
nature above the average lawyers. I was the prosecuting 
witness in case in the criminal court. My deafness was 
the first point of issue. He "hollered" at me, "Can't you 
hear at all?" I asked the court's permission to stand up 



86 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

and face Mr. Marshall. The permission was given. The 
question was repeated. I stood mute. He appealed to the 
judge, and suggested contempt of court. The court was 
something of a humorist itself, and answered him: "Mr. 
Marshall, the gentleman knows the degree of his deafness 
better than anyone else himself. As for the contempt, 
he has not refused to answ^er, and besides, I still am the 
court, not you." I finally comprehended his question, and 
I answered him thus: "Mr. Marshall I do hear. I hear 
a noise like the roar of the Niagara Falls. It would be 
an untruth were I to tell you, sir, that I understand the 
language of the Falls. The real truth, sir, is that I have 
visited the Falls several times. One time in particular 
I stopped off the train while traveling between Buffalo and 
Rochester, to visit the Falls. There, sir, at the hour of 
midnight, with all the sombre stillness and gloom shutting 
out all things of vision and hearing, other than this one 
magnificent transcendal creation of Almighty God I heard 
the Falls, 'tis true; but I failed to understand the language 
of the Falls. And to this day, sir, I fail to understand 
the language of the Falls." We had a gay time of it for 
the several days upon which I occupied, in whole or part, 
that witness stand. 

The stories, like the one just mentioned and hundreds 
of others, are flat told in type, but full of action and life 
delivered orally. 



PHILOSOPHY. 



The fun we get out of life depends upon ourselves. 
Keep in good humor. One time reviewing a procession 
which interested me little, I turned my attention to the 
crowds upon the sidewalk. A fellow tramped on my foot. 
I thanked him because he had not stepped on both feet. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 87 

"TAIK TRAVELS"— SAND FILTER. 

For many reasons it is well to know your man; yes, 
to know your boy, to know, yourself, I felt real cheap one 
day and the cause of it set me to thinking. 

I was in a law office, and a young man came over to 
me, whom I at first took for a stranger, but shortly learned 

was George C , grown up. It seems he had after years 

become one of the drummers for a house of world-wide rep- 
utation. He saui he owed some of his success to me. I 
only felt good and swelled up lik3 for a moment, as when i 
asked what I had to do with it. He said: ' uon't you 

mind the literary society at H where you used to give 

them talk?" I said, "why, yes, of course, what of it?" 
"Well the stories you used tell I've told from the Atlantic to 
Lue Pacitic, and they helped trads." I said, "tell me one of 
them now?" He did so, it caused me to scratohi my ,head. 
That fellow, handsome, posted in his line of goods, had 
been keeping alive yarns I had hoped were long since for- 
gotten. Most of them were free thought stories, and well, 
I am a lot older now, and about some things, know a whole 
lot less than when I was young. Such yarns especially 
told indiscriminately often reach the illiterate as convi > 
tions and are productive of a narrowing influence. I do 
not know any more about the unknownable than do other 
people. To nold your tongue or sand filter yoiir language 
ain't bad. 



THE ORIGIN OF MAN. 



Is variously accounted for. 

It's tough on the monkey to ccnnect man as his after- 
father. 

The monkey is rather short lived on this earth. 



88 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

Yet, all in all he is a happy sort of a feller and seems 
quite unctious like kissing himself in a looking glass. 

Man's origin more frequently than otherwise is thus: 
A disagreeable accident attendant upon the consumation of 
a god-given passion between man and woman. 

With the world remoddled as Christ intended that it 
should be, progeny would be desired. The world and man 
would be such that children would be wanted; that our 
own blood might share with us the world's opportunity of 
devinely created happiness surrounding us upon every 
hand, and open for all to partake of, and enjoy and none 
to make us afraid. 



LUCK VERSUS LABOR. 



Some years ago a local newspaper man named James 
W. Breen, wrote a series of articles for the "Pittsburg 
Dispatch" under the above caption. Mr. Breen was induced 
to write the same in answer to "Astronomer" Proctor's 
series of articles who schoolmaster-like tried to convince 
his readers that the "busy-bee" tread mill, save the penny 
style of business makes the wealth and that wealth making 
was by "set and fast rules, like the motion of the plane- 
tary system." Breen's stories were exceedingly interest- 
ing and formed excellent reading, as it gave us an opportu- 
nity to see behind the scenes for the first time, how a host 
of Western Pennsylvanians "made their millions," and re- 
futed at the same time the Proctor theory most effectually. 

About two years ago Mr. Breen published an excellent 
book containing his previous newspaper articles, and much 
more matter in the same line, covering the entire field of 
endeavor, and he reached beyond local confines. It was 
issued under the odd title, "If." I am sorry to say that it 
did not gain the wide publicity it's value warranted, and 
it was due to the fact that no systematic, thorough canvas 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 89 

was made for it in advance oi publication. However, it is 
not my object to republish Mr. Breen's book in my own, 
but to tell you about an instance concerning Breen, myself 
and several others illustrating "Luck versus Labor." I was 
engaged at selling farms in Western Pennsylvania for a 
decade. 'Twas during the time the Breen articles had the 
run of the press that the episode occurred. One farm in 
particular I had tried in every way that years of experience 
could suggest, to sell. Yet failed. I had studied its strong 
and weak points; felt morally certain it was a good invest- 
ment, yet was thwarted in every attempt in making a deal. 

One day I was possessed by an inspiration. I wrote 
Breen that, if you believed in luck versus labor, that I 
would push a little luck in his way and told him about the 
farm. Failing to receive an answer, I went to see him. 
No little chaff passed between us. He said he had never 
owned a farm and had no way of making use of it. Be- 
sides, he added, "I have no cash to invest in a farm, even 
if I wanted one." 

He then added: *'Just for luck I'll trade you several 
houses in a row I own for your farm, it may help me to sell 
the balance, and I'll chance the farm this way, as I have 
been unable to sell any of the houses so far." I was unable 
to make the trade on this basis, but told him I would 
chance my man taking one house in part trade, and the 
balance in cash in the exchange for the farm. Then, to 
move the thing along, we went over a list of a number of 
our acquaintances from which we hoped to find some one 
to join in making up the required cash end of the deal. 
Among other persons it occurred to me that some of the 
persons whom Breen had "written up" in his Luck versus 
Labor letters would be good people to canvass. We agreed 
finally to try the "Welsh Brothers." Their big streak of 
luck had been this way: They were proprietors of a gro- 
cery store. A customer one evening lounged about after 



90 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

having made some purchases and deplored his ill luck on 
being stuck on some land on the banks of the Monongahela 
river close by the Welsh store. The Welshs finally agreed 
to "take it off his hands at cost," and gave him a barrel of 
flour to boot. To this he readily assented. They held it 
for a number of years, and sold it for a big sum to the 
Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad company for terminal 
uses. Years and years had passed, and no one foresaw an- 
other railroad line along that side of the river with the 
Pan Handle line but a few yards away from it paralleling 
its course. The entire Welch transaction was purely 
chance, and they had nothing to do with bringing about the 
railroad location, and had it been left to them without any 
interests there, would have possibly been opposed to a 
railroad, as "their day" was that of the river and canal. 
At any rate by making use of a little diplomacy we reached 
the Welsh Brothers and interested them sufficiently to 
agree to go and see the farm. It was in the winter time. 
I had agreed to meet them at the railroad station nearest 
the farm, and distant from it about a mile. When their train 
arrived the weather was "tough." The two brothers aged, 
one lame besides. Although I jollied them, I was in sober 
earnest when after thanking them for their promptness, 
I told them, owing to the weather, that it would not anger 
me if they saw fit to defer until a better day, viewing my 
farm, and that they go to the hotel with me close by and 
we all to get our dinners and take the next train back for 
Pittsburg. 

They demurred to this. We started to the place. When 
almost there we found the bridge necessary to reach it by 
the usual route, washed away, and the stream unfordable. 
They said if there was any other way to get there they 
would all go along and see the place. It took us an addi- 
tional mile, and the climbing of almost a precipice to 
f.nally reach the place. We started to dicker everything 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 91 

worked along smoothly, until a difference of but a few 
hundred dollars stood between us. I suggested that we 
leave that unsettled until we got to town. They acquiesced 
in this. In Mr. Breen's printing office, the difference was 
renewed and I insisted on a settlement, and good natured- 
ly said: "We'll settle it by a game of cards. As neither 
of the brothers "knew cards," they selected a printer from 
Mr. B.'s force to play for them. The question was thus 
satisfactorily settled, and the farm sold. The sequel was 
this, as far as Breen was concerned. It started the sale 
of his houses, not a great thing but luck. Next, he sold 
out his one-third of the farm to the Welshs for cash. He 
invested the proceeds in a Fire Insurance company stock; 
bought when it looked to "everybody" like a dead horse 
proposition, as it had paid no dividends for several years. 
Some fellows wanted to reorganize the company, and make 
it a tight corporation. They paid Breen a big price to get 
rid of him. He invested the proceeds of this deal in sev- 
eral railroad stocks, and some sudden turn in Pennsylva- 
nia politics, affected the stocks so favorably that he 
cleaned up with a total profit to him of $30,000 out of in- 
vestment, but a year before of $2,500, and that investment, 
a house dead to sale for cash. THERE WAS LUCK VER- 
SUS LABOR. 



92 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYBODY. 

Christmas for everybody, or nobody. About the great- 
est thing there is in Christmas is for once to have every- 
body have a full belly and a good time. Many lives are 
barren of almost everything that places man beyond the 
brute. 

True, there are plenty of lives; that to have enough to 
eat, drink, a place to sleep, and work within their strength 
and fitness covers about all they are able to encom- 
pass in their narrowed brain. To widen their life is to in- 
vite misery. "But there are others * * * i recall 
an American boy, trudging along merrily with his little 
dog. He was thinly clad, and in condition of Dickey 
Doubt, besides his hair stuck from his little ill-fitting hat, 
etc. I could see little cause for merriment. I found on 
close inspection that he had received one of those "border 
handkerchiefs," and duly folded in style, it peeped dude- 
like, from the breast pocket of his coat. Yes; he was con- 
scious of a little touch of "high life." This added to a 
full and generous feed for all his folks made him feel 
like other people. If you feel mean, down with it. Stop 
your meanness and Christmas and New Year will be O. K. 
All you have to do is to hunt up somebody and shell out. 



THE IRISH. 

I was asked what I thought of the Irish. Well, in a 
general way I love every mother's son of them from the 
Giant's Causeway to the Cove of Cork, — hold, I'll bar some 
on the police force. I'm like the Irish myself on that 
score. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 93 

ON A CERTAIN DAY. 

The bookkeeper in the office where this book was 
printed, adds this story to history. 

A strange spectacle was witnessed by a great crowd 
at the head of Clifton avenue, on the hillside overlooking 
the Allegheny river one bright sunshiny day. The excite- 
ment was caused by a yellow colored female who had wan- 
dered away from home and sought a secluded spot on the 
hillside, where she sank exhausted in a distressing condi- 
tion, in the pangs of maternity. Unluckily for her, she 
was discovered by a roving truant who at once gave the 
alarm, which soon gathered a crowd, which witnessed the 
strange spectacle of the poor female giving birth to a. 
pretty little pair of twins. 

One of the twins was a light yellow, like the mother, 
and the other as black as the ace of spades. The mother 
was a pretty little Jersey cow, and the twins were a hand- 
some little pair of calves. 



FARMING, AS A LIFE. 



There is no finer life than on the farm. It is getting to 
be more desirable every year. That is the isolation and 
absence of quick communication is not so pronounced as in 
the past. In no line of life has science and invention cut 
more rapid strides. We will have electric market trains 
running by the farm gates directly. Already there are tele- 
phone lines built largely by co-operation and the govern- 
ment delivers daily mail and posts weather reports and 
predictions in many sections. The agricultural schools are 
turning out farmers who can tell you what the soil will 
do for man's benefit, by the proper fertilization and appli- 
cation of water when needed, that largely revolutionizes 
the past methods. 



94 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

Ttere is a general contagious feeling springing up the 
country over for the procuration of improved hig^hways, 
which will not alone aid the business, but open new social 
life for the women and children. Anyone whose life has 
been well divided between town and country, and who has 
been practically engaged in both, lived with his eyes open, 
cannot fail to have noticed these marks of progress 
in the country, nor have failed to see the immense increase 
of needs at good prices for all the farmers now grow and 
may grow for years to come. In my next book I'll tell 
you about the country in ten or more states, especially of 
the south and west with which I am already quite familiar. 
If I interest some folks in settling in most any of the Gulf 
States or the tier immediately north or on the Pacific 
coast I will feel I have done some good missionary work. 
I've tried both city and country life, and am still "struck" 
on the country end. 



THE PUMP CURED MELANCHOLIA. 

We had a neighbor woman who was as pronounced a 
case as any one familiar with the insane would want to see 
of melancholia. The woman had been a dress maker and 
keen competition had driven her to the wall. Undoubtedly 
she had been somewhat harshly treated and the loss of her 
effects necessary to do business among fashionable people 
naturally would phase her, yet she was insane. 

Lovenia had her call on us and relate her troubles to 
me. She did so. I was sympathetic. I took her hand in 
mine and condoled with her. She claimed she had all the 
troubles in the world. By and by I told her: "Your case, 
madame, is — Well, prove you have all the troubles in the 
world, and the money you've lost is as nothing. You would 
soon be a richer woman than was Jay Gould a man." She 



LIFE AS rVE FOUND IT. 95 

iiounced from the room enraged. Her great plaint when 
her story was told was that of all melancholias. With her 
hand on her chest she would say, that feeling, and on her 
abdomen, with: a sort of a female hasso-profundo tone, this 
pain! The next morning I was out at the well. We had a 
scree -ciiy iron pump. Perhaps the reader has heard one of 
them sing? 

It reminded me of the old woman's plaint. So, pump- 
ing — "that feeling, that feeling," and as the bucket v/as 
filling and the exhaust taking place, "that pain, that pain." 
I can't tell this story in print like many others, as I can 
when I'll see you all together personally. 

Anyhow, " 'Squire Kuhn" (my second boy) took it up, 
and with the devilish joy of youth and good tenor voice, 
worked the pump cure; so she shortly received more good 
than had resulted from all the treatment of the doctors. 
The poor soul recovered, and was as sane as anybody for 
some years. 



HOME-MADE PIE. 



The trouble with home made pie is not that it is, but 
that it was. In plain language, the art of pie making seems 
to be a lost art. You can't call the things you buy at the 
stores real pie. A real pie is not turned out by a machine, 
but by a woman. 

The real pie maker is amply built, neatly dressed in 
calico, with her sleeves rolled up and the ingredients con- 
veniently handy. After the stuffing has been duly put in 
it is put in again, and w.hen baked there are smells of Araby 
around, and the dome of heaven seems to open and you see 
visions beyond the skies. That's the kind of a lay-out the 
pie was that mother made. The best breeds of pie are, the 
"pumpkin, mince and huckelberry." They should grow in 
every well-regulated kitchen. 



96 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

UP WENT HIS GUN AND POP. 

Loveiiia was lying down with one of her crazy head- 
aches for which she has been noted for lo, this many a year. 
Dr. George, my special friend (where is George now?) had 
an office in an adjoining room. Some of his English boon 
companions were calling on him and it got to duck shooting. 
Big John bawls: "God, the sport. I oop with me goon and 
pop, then everybody oop with their goon and pop, pop, pop, 
pop. and down they cooms!" 

Lovenia tried to hiss me on to "drive out the brutes," 
but I only told her a salvation story of a dear friend of 
hers. "She up with her story and then sang them one, 
then they all sang and down came the sinner, pop, pop, 
pop." The duck shooting yarns I've heard are just about 
as big lies as the Salvation business. Most of the ducks 
in both cases don't stay shot. 



THE IRONY OF FATE. 



The first telephone I ever saw I helped to construct. 
It was while in 1877 that I was in a Texas cattle town, 
well on toward the border. One day the well-known weekly 
paper, the Scientific American, came into town, and we 
"all" read the description of the new invention and won- 
dered if we could not make a somewhat similar contriv- 
ance. In those days it was still to be learned that barb- 
wire would do for a telephone line; therefore, having no 
other wire, we used silk thread, twisting several strands 
together. We then used, I think it was sheep skin, or pos- 
sibly wolf skin, dressed down for transmitter and receiver 
— much as individual lines which later became common 
around mines, etc. We ran it from Porter's saddlery shop 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 97 

to Orr's store, perhaps several hundred feet, and one could 
hear a newspaper read very satisfactorily from the "other 
end" of the line. 

Now, as to the irony part of it. The telephone in- 
vention was attributed to Graham Bell. It is said that it 
was the result of experimenting in electrical contrivances 
with the view of overcoming the infirmity of deafness of his 
wife (a deaf mute), and in doing this he accentuated 
through his invention the misery of these most unfortunate 
people — the deaf — by making only a thing to cause the deaf 
to hear less and the hearing people more than ever before. 
That is what Mr. Graham Bell accomplished for the deaf. 
The next year I becam.e deaf suddenly, and since then I 
have not alone been unable to hear over a telephone, but 
not so much as to hear a watch tick. 



ANOTHER SORT. 



Some years ago I had an acquaintance who was con- 
tinually rasping me for my indifference to the church. 
I considered him full of cant and hypocrisy, and that his 
soul was small. He had a daughter close on young wo- 
manhood, who died suddenly. I was unable to attend the 
last rites, but a few days after the burial called at his 
office to offer condolence. 

I had hardly spoken until he put to me: "Now, 
Depew, did she go to heaven or hell?" 

It is such people that Tom Hood cast his satires at: 

But what the better are their pious saws. 
To aching souls, than dry hee haws, 
Without the milk of human kindness. 



98 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

THE PHOTOGRAPH. 

It is with no little amusement that I look at the dis- 
play of pictures about the street doors, where are located 
the photographers, and the waiting room walls. What ef- 
forts of trying to look "just right," and how little after 
all we can read of the "inards" of humanity from a pho- 
tograph. They are a good thing after all, and we greatly 
regret that we do not possess those of many members of 
our family and good friends the country over. 

There is one improvement that would add greatly to 
the desirability of the photograph, and that is that they 
be made so that they will not fade by the lapse of time. 
They should be made to last throughout the ages. 



THE FUTURES. 



Now my plan in life is to let every other fellow play 
futures. Keep your ear to the ground, of course, and look 
to the future, but garner everything within sight. 



HEALTH AND HAPPINESS. 

About the best way to keep well is to begin with a good 
sound constitution. This you can do if you have been care- 
ful in the selection of your ancestry for several generations 
back. It don't cost any more money not to worry than to 
worry. It's but a mighty big effort. Yet I don't know 
even if a hard job, one that pays better. Learn to stand 
the weather without colds taking possession of you. Do 
not fail to remember your ancestry got along without carry- 
ing a tailor shop on their backs and a delicatessen store and 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 99 

mixed drinks in their belly. Study the habits of your dog. 
Emulate him in sleep. Sleep lots. When you're sick of 
heavy food, don't eat. Eat food that makes bone, baked 
beans, cornbread, also lettuce, onions, celery and the like. 
If you must drink, don't try to rival a brewery collector. 
He Is picked for his capacity and that's his living. If you 
must drink, drink pure wine, cider and aged whiskey. Whila 
I've heard of lots of people dying from drinking bad water, 
I^know of a good many dying from drinking good whiskey. 
Take at least a dozen chasers of water for one whiskey. 
Develop the muscle of your legs by walking and running. 
Put vitality into your blood by aeep breathing and gym- 
nastics. Do kindly acts toward your fellow man whenever 
you can; cultivate good humor, tell stories. If you can't 
tell stories, listen to some one who can. Don't be afraid to 
gap, sit in your shirt sleeves on the front porch, eat with 
your knife. To review, be careful in the selection of your 
ancestry. Don't worry. Drink chasers, not too much whis- 
key. Be natural. Above all don't lose sleep, let the other 
fellow do that, and you will hav.3 health, and that is about 
as near happiness as you can get. 



WILLIAM H. SEWARD. 



William H. Seward, who cut so significant a figure in the 
Cabinet of President Lincoln, will be spoken of when many 
of his compeers will have oeen forgotten. He was a man of 
education who understood that the War of the Rebellion 
meant a great recast of American affairs and stood for far 
more than a mere sectional strife, having office for its basis 
and the abolition of slavery as a pretext. He was a born 
diplomat, with a grasp of intellect for large affairs and his 
trip around the world showed the personal esteem he was 

L.ofC. 



100 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

held in. When quite a young man and boyish looking he 
was a candidate for governor of New York. While can- 
vassing the state for this office he was a visitor at one of the 
colleges in the interior of the btate. Introduced by a pom- 
pous professor to speak to the young men, he appeared so 
insignificant; that several of them left the hall. One of them 
(my dad) years afterward told me that he always felt it a 
lesson to him, teaching him to know more before sizing up 
other people off hand — a presumption in the average Amer- 
lean, by the way, that is exercised with the greatest free- 
dom, even by the most ignorant, let alone young college 
men and educated people of affairs. 



HE STRUCK A BONANZA. 

We had been employed on a little daily paper pub- 
lished at the first Pittsburg Exposition. It had flourished 
and made bushels of money. Our employers also pub- 
lished a Sunday paper, but the fever was on them to con- 
tinue the little daily after the Exposition closed. To this 
end they traveled east to endeavor to enlist the capital 
necessary for the enterprise. We were left in charge. 
There were more of us than really need to get out the 
Sunday sheet, but we were kept about all the same, pend- 
ing the outcome of the venture, as in case of its success 
we all would be required to get out the daily. 

A lot of young fellows under such circumstances are 
apt to become a little gay. Our foreman in the composing 
room bore the appropriate name of Booze. He limped of 
one leg, but could carry his head without a hindrance all 
the same, as well as any other printer. 

One night he came up front to the writing department, 
and with a magician-like wave toward the composing de- 
partment commanding secrecy, pulled out a flask from 




J-TEAVEH 




HELL 







OH ! WE MEN ! 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 101 

his pocket. He approaciied Charles Foster, who was re- 
clining on table propped-up-like on his elbow, and said: 
"Charles, here take a pull." Foster rose onto his feet and 
stretched, yawned and eyed Booze from head to foot, and 
replied: "What, that little snort! Back, back to your 
slaves; I've struck a bonanza." He had discovered a five- 
gallon demijohn of whisky left by the proprietors. 

That Sunday morning we went to press late, and there 
was no "shortage of boiler plate" in the columns owing to 
the circus the demijohn brought about. Poor Charles, years 
afterward, committed suicide. He never quit striking a 
bonanza. 



THE FUN IN LIFE. 



To the man who has no, or little sense of humor, there 
is comparatively little fun in life. To the man, on the con- 
trary, the possessor of humor — sees fun in every day of 
life. "With an eye for the ludicrous he overcomes the 
things in life's path that cause others to stumble and lie 
down. He does not fall, to lie down, overwhelmed. He 
carries a brand of his own make of liver pills — enjoys the 
sunshine, blue skies; can shout with the boys in the 
spring time and roll down hill in the grass. He has a 
phenomenal digestion, carries a buoyant and contagious 
atmosphere with him, and people call him by his first 
name in public places, and he like it, too, even when his 
hair has silvered. He has friends and they work his hand 
like a pump handle. He has a place among the world's 
people and it does not fill up when he is pulled for the 
world beyond, like drawing your finger from the water. 
Here is to him, may his tribe increase and his image ever 
shed joyous rays upon the Nation. 



102 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

ARE YOU NATURAL? 

"Why don't you be natural?" How often we hear it 
said. Perhaps most people are pretty much the same, even 
if not exactly like peas in a pod in their sameness, but 
they have their individuality. There is no easier way 
often to make a mess of things than to acquire an arti- 
ficial imitative pose of other men in pushing our affairs 
in life. I remember, when quite a young man; I was a 
kind of a general factotum on a Western ranch, w,hen I 
was put to a test. It was on a large place, and life at the 
big house often seemed prosaic to me. For a little fun I 
was spending an evening with one of the tenants. We were 
having high jinks of a time. Singing songs and eating 
hominy out of the kettle, and the men folks dipping the 
women's snuff. Directly a messenger from the big .house 
rode up in hot haste, with word that I was wanted to do 
the ceremonials. That Gov.^from Massachusetts, was 
there, and that the "Colonel" had a fit of dyspepsia on 
and wanted me to take his place. 

The Colonel had been in the Confederate army and his 
contact with- Northern people had been limited. He es- 
pecially felt at odds what to do with a man who had been 
an Abolitionist (anti-slavery man). Now, I was dressed in 
a red flannel shirt; had my pants in my boots, and wore 
a slouch hat. I'd never entertained a governor, and was 
just getting my afraid up on what I ought to do. I was 
rushed so, however, that I did not get time to think, and 
things passed off all right as I was, just natural, and it 
did not hurt the sale of our wool a bit. The wool was really 
what was bothering the colonel. The governor was after 
the wool, not formal platitudes, or strained ceremonials. 
While we cannot just lay down rules, but it isn't a bad 
rule to sail your boat on your own waters — be natural. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 103 

IMPROVED HIS EYESIGHT. 

One evening Jimmie Torrance, Louis Davis and my- 
self were talking of the "old home" and the like in the 
big Novascotian's carpenter shop, our regular rendezvous. 
Hell was loose in the gambling and drinking ranch next 
door, which was separated from us only by a rough par- 
tition. The racket, however, cut little ice with us, as it 
generally was that way, anyhow. 

A fellow named Joseph Bowers, a confirmed gambler, 
and whilom carpenter, when driven to it by bad luck for 
a raise, strolled in unperceived by me, so I was uncon- 
scious of the fact that he had accosted me. Not having 
answered him, inflamed the jag he was carrying, and it 
seems he was stealthily going toward me with a knife up his 
sleeve. However, he was narrowly eyed by old Jimmie, 
who directly yelled out, "another step toward Charles, 
Bowers, and I'll make you feed for the buzzards." I let 
him off, as he was drunk. Bowers passed out of the place 
and kept himself pretty well out of my sight. However, 
as time went by the thing wore off. Some months later 
it happened that we were both in a drinking place, where 
Bowers was engaged in throwing "crack-loo" with a coun- 
try fellow, who, .homeward bound, had left his covered 
wagon at the door. He, of course, called a few drinks of 
tarantula juice, but had been inveigled into playing with 
the gambler. I noticed that Bowers had several times 
slyly pushed the dollar toward a crack, but it was not 
until one dropped through the crack that the countryman 
became suspicious that be was engaged in gambling with 
a blackleg. 

Bowers rushed out to crawl under the shanty for the 
dollar. While doing this the countryman had asked me 
whether he was being cheated. I desired to not be the 
witness of a killing if I could avoia it, so gave him an 



104 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

evasive answer. However, lie immediately rushed out of 
the shanty to his wagon and unslung his rifle. Thereupon 
the barkeeper and myself (just as the now thoroughly en- 
raged countryman was drawing a bead on the rascal), in- 
terfered, throwing him so the shot went wild, saving 
a life at some little risk of our own. Thereafter that fel- 
low Bowser's eyesight became phenomenal. He could 
see me several miles off on the prairie, and he before a 
great while pulled up stakes and left for new fields to 
practice his roguery. 

The meanest wretch has a soft spot in him, and after 
all the thing that breaks him is to owe his life to a man 
of different stamp than himself. 



WHEN TO PAUSE AND WHEN TO SPEAK. 

During the reconstruction period after the Civil war, 
[ was living in a frontier town in the Southwest. Thei 
everything was most primitive and outside of a cowboy 
row occasionally there was nothing except the arrival of 
the daily train to break the monotony of our existence. 
This made it incumbent upon us to amuse ourselves the 
best we could with very little material to depend on. 

Several of us were in the habit of seducing one of the 
several niggers who had been slaves to tell about the 
old days. In order to do this we had to promise secrecy, 
and of course furnish drinkables and eatables, especially 
something to drink. 

A fellow whom we called Shepp was quite interest- 
ing, and put in quite a number of dramatic trimmings. 
One night when telling a most thrilling yarn about tem- 
porarily burying a Confederate officer to escape capture 
by the Yankees, just when he had gotten to the most vital 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 105 

point, he rolled his eyes, as if in great misery, gurgled 
in his throat, and finally got off: "Pore ole Shepp so 
damn dry k-a-n-tt say 'nother wourd." 

Directly a wench came along (Shepp's reputed wife). 
He then quickly got the shoes off his feet, pumped up a 
copious flow of tears, of repentance and misery, and so 
in a few minutes had worked upon his fears and affection 
as to cause her to give to him her day's earnings at the 
wash tub — for to "buy Pore Shepp a pair of shoes." He 
told her: "Honey, a set of tough niggers from over by 
Brushy Creek nigh killed me, and then pored whisky down 
ma throat and stole ma shoes, I'm so shamed toe be 
huntin' work at Parson Ganos dat, jes as yo kim by, pore 
Shepp was about done go kill himself, of disconsolable 
affliction of your mos loyal love." 



THE CHOICE OF A VOCATION. 

In the middle of the past century the time had not 
yet passed when it was aught but a romance for the fam- 
ily to pick a vocation for its boys. As long as hand labor 
prevailed and communities were more isolated and de- 
pendent upon local ability and resources to supply their 
needs and pleasure, it was a reasonable and practical am- 
bition to plan an occupation for the young people. 

Mankind, as it were, possessed both ends of the 
string, and it laid to a great degree within oneself to 
accomplish a destiny of his own planning. In those days, 
especially in the country section, after the labors of the 
day had ended, the dishes washed; the babies put to bed, 
and the livestock fed and snugged for the night, the plans 
and schemes of life would be rehearsed by the fireside 
punctuated by intermissions of popcorn, cider, apples and 
nuts. In case there was a visitor or two from the city. 



106 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

the father, with patriarchcal pride, would, as appeared 
to him and the family, tell of the native qualities of his 
kin, and indicate fitness for certain occupations. On 
growing confident he would likely say. Now there 
is our John; he is strong and lusty; has put in 
two ierms at the academy, and reads books like a lawyer. 
We have decided that he shall read law with Judge Bas- 
com. He will be the lawyer of the family, and it wouldn't 
be out of reason or contrary to the breed to see him in 
Congress, even as v/as my uncle, Jason." "Confidentially 
he might be President of the United States." 

"There is that boy. Bill; he'll be the merchant of 
the family. He is just born to dickering and can figure 
like a banker. We are agreed on it to put him into 
Catchem & Squeezem's store. Yes, he'll bs the merchant 
of this family, and by gum, I've $2,000 put away to set 
him up (but don't tell) when he has learned the tricks 
of trade." And so it was all around. 

Now, things are different, very different. As the old 
lady said: "La, me how things have changed since Henry 
died." 

The vocation of the lawyer has altered, and is now 
divided into a few specialties, as corporation real estate 
and criminal branches, in which a comparatively few • 
opolize the plums. Of course there are many thousands 
who are yet called lawyers, but their occupation is as 
clerks, record searchers and stenographers to the favored 
few. In some cases they can still get to Congress as 
special pleaders however of some private schemes of cor- 
porations, and at the expense of their manhood. 

The mercantile business has been absorbed by vast 
combinations, drawing into one concern as many as twen- 
'7 to thirty previously individual ones, in some lines that 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 107 

formerly were maintained separately. And with few ex- 
ceptions an army of hireling receiving just about enough 
to live, do all the work required. 

In mechanical occupations automatic machines turn 
out trainloads of all manner of things, which formerly 
gave employment to many small proprietary interests, 
widely diffused throughout the country. 

Banks are consolidating everywhere, and individual 
banking with small capital is a thing of the past. 

The very matter of guardian and trustee which de- 
volved in old times on the best man of the community, 
has become a cold barren, machine-like thing, one of the 
many things monopolized by trust companies. 

People to-day are employed, but they no longer pick 
occupations. They may learn, study and aspire as they 
will — but they must line up before monopoly, where many 
are called, but few are chosen for anything of import- 
ance, as but few are needed. 

It seems to me that in time it will be inevitable upon 
the people to rescue themselves from the present condi- 
tions, and that while labor saving appliances have 
come to stay, that the time will come, too, when 
the government (the people) will have to own many 
of them, and that the benefit therefrom must go to 
the people and not for the enrichment of the few. 

With so needed and desirable an end in view how in- 
cumbent upon us is it, that there come about a funda- 
mental change in the teaching of the public schools, and 
the attainment of a sturdy physical and mental manhood. 

If under a proper division the result of so much 
wealth and production that four or five hours of toil, or 
say three whole days of the week would suffice, what a 
lot of time would be ours to learn our fellows, our beau- 
tiful world and its multifarious charms. Indeed these 
matters are worth your study. 



108 LIFE AS' I'VE FOUND IT. 



JOHNNY, GET THE GUN. 

Occasionally I discover that I am not the only pebble 
on the beach, a thing I do not especially mind when it is 
to learn to know that there are others — who are deaf. 
I had a highly amusing experience, although it involved 
some risk of being killed, in which a deaf man figured 
as an incident. While in the employment of a concern 
at small wages, I sometimes tried to make a dollar on the 
side, and to this end used the only time I could claim 
as my own, nights and Sundays. 

A man named Simpson claimed to own an invention 
whereby money could be made from refuse tin. It was 
to separate the tin coating, solder from joints and sheet 
iron, and to catch and save the oxides, thus producing 
from old roofing, tin cans and scraps of tin several val- 
uable products. 

He desired to enlist capital, and I was to visit his 
home in a town some distance away to see his machine in 
operation. I made the trip, which brought me after dark 
to the town wherein he lived. I was compelled to walk 
quite a distance from the main part of town, but found 
the house. I tried to arouse some one in the front, and, 
failing, went to the rear door. The back of the house 
stood in an excavation of a little hillside, thus forming a 
pen around it. 

After some considerable knocking I saw through the 
window the form of a woman bearing a light, but failed 
on stating who I was, and my desire to see Mr. Simpson, 
whom I knew, to get her to open the door. 

Directly I saw another form moving about. It was that 
of a boy, and he had a shotgun in his hand. By this time, 
halving repeated my errand several times, I was already 
pretty warm under the collar, and the fact of the woman's 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 109 

distrust leading her to persuade the boy to villainy, put 
me in a rage, so when I again repeated my business, I 
added, "boy, put down that gun or I'll jump through the 
sash and spank you." 

f changed my mind, however, as the younster, in- 
stead of complying, only got in a more business-like posi- 
tion with that gun. By this time the racket I had made 
caused the neighbors to look out. At the house closest by 
I noticed two women and a man at the open door. The 
man held a lighted lamp, and I approached them, and, as 
politely as I knew how, addressed the man, stating my 
predicament. That man just stared and staged, and 
looked more fiercely than before. One of the women came 
to my rescue, and told me that he was stone-deaf, and 
mute besides. I got access to the house, and some one 
went down to get me admission to the Simpson house. 
When I got there of course the woman was profuse in en- 
deavor to make apologies that she could not very satis- 
factorily make, although I assured her to not bother about 
it, except to regret the boy had not killed me, as I was 
but a deaf man. 

"Her husband was away at lodge," and she bade me 
to wait; pleaded a severe headache and went off to bed. 
After awhile Simpson appeared and had a few remarks 
to make of course on the perversity of womankind that 
were both general and specific. 

The machine was fired up and he rousted his small 
boys out of bed, each placed in a position to help show 
off the machine at its best, and by 1 o'clock a. m. she 
was sputtering out solder, sheet iron and oxides. 

There is little more to tell, but that I stopped over 
night and we ate breakfast by dawn. Having arrived so 
late no preparation was possible for strangers, and the 
boys, having to hurry off to a glass factory, where they 
were employed, we were all together at the table. There 



110 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

was a little shortage, so when old Simpson said, Johnny, 
will you have any meat, he promptly replied, "No, poppie." 
"Thomas, will you have any meat," there came, rather 
slowly, 'N-o, pop.' "Petie, will you have some meat," 
promptly. "You, bet, pop." 

Thus we were all hilarious and found our tongues, all 
but the woman, who had sent Johnnie for the gun, who, 
poor soul, had felt the six-foot board fence was not suf- 
ficient protection against theft of that machine, which 
was to make them all rich. 



WHY I LEARNED GERMAN. 

One day, on going into the building where was lo- 
cated my office, I noticed two men, one pointing to my 
sign at the entrance, and both engaged in animated dis- 
cussion in German. 

It seemed they had learned that I could speak Ger- 
man fluently, and it v/as puzzling them why or how it was 
that a man of my name should be able to speak German, 
or what motive could have possessed me other than to 
facilitate "doing up the Germans." They had not noticed 
me, and when they appeared, I made them happy by only 
being plain United States in my conversation with them. 



BROKE HER HEART. 



A retired lady of the Beau monde of Paris died the 
other day from a "broken heart." Her milliner delivered 
her Easter bonnet too late for the services. She was aged 
87, but up-to-date till the last or nothing. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. Ill 

EVOLUTION. 

On a fair stretch of beautiful rolling prairie the rail- 
road company had laid out the town of . There was 

no running stream to supply a town with water and that 
problem never bothers people, or rather the promoter 
very much in laying out a new town, just with the advent 
of the railroad. However, the railroad company had sunk 
a deep well and failed to get water. The company itself 
wasn't so shy on water as not to be able to supply itself 
elsewhere on the run. 

There seemed to be such a rush to try to have other 
things, that no one had bethought himself to construct 
other than over-ground wooden cisterns and the water in 
them was scarcely fit to drink. A fellow who had been 
considered pig-headed became of a sudden, master of the 
town. He leased the "Smith pasture" some two miles 
away. This place contained a fine spring and he immedi- 
ately set to work hauling water to the town. We were 
glad to get it at five to ten cents a pail. Several other 
wells were started, but none procured water. 

The mud was so bad that I remember one time a few 
miles out of town a fellow with a wagon asked me the 
road to it, and I told him the truth, "can't miss it, keep 
a mile on either side of you, and two miles ahead." The 
"church privileges" were by mere courtesy of the fellows 
who ran a free and easy show house, and who cleaned up 
and vamoosed a few hours giving their premises for the 
"services," after wbich the show again went on. Ice was 
about five cents a pound, and beer ten cents a drink. The 
taste of the burgers was such that when the discovery 
was made that one of the saloons had a good many dozen 
of Catawba wine, instead of a secret supply of aged Bour- 
bon for state occasions, a lot of cattle men bought it 
cheap at wholesale, and in disgust and derision used it 



112 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

instead of pins in the bowling alley. There were no bank- 
ing facilities nearer than thirty miles, and almost as far 
to a newspaper office. The cayotes would sneak around 
the town and a short ways off you could get a shot at a 
gray wolf or panther if alert. There were about four 
women in the town (the town was stag), and the male 
population would adjourn en masse to the station at the 
advent of the train from the north to see whether God had 
been good in answering their prayers for a more generous 
supply of the female sex. 

We ate sweet potatoes raw for fruit, but when a few 
barrels of apples came in we would buy the barrel on 
the side-walk, kick in the head, and pass around the hat 
for settlement, so scarce Avas this luxury. So we moved 
along. One day, after an absence of several weeks, I was 
riding tov/ard town near dusk and of a sudden I wondered 
whether I was asleep and dreaming, or whether I was at 
a strange place, as my way was obstructed by several 
fences, and things seemed most unfamiliar like, in other 
ways, and it took me several minutes to get my bearings, 
at the same time darkness was setting in. Next I had a 
most hefty jar on my breast, that most tore me from the 
horse, and then something gave way, It was a clothes-line. 
I heard a screech, a female screech of "You brute, you've 
thrown my clothes in the mud." I could not help but speak 
out: "Great God, the women's come in," and asked her 
pardon, thanking her for nearly breaking my neck, as it 
had given me a new heart, and I didn't leave there neither 
until I'd eaten a Yankee cooked meal, the deft work of 
a white woman, and I left there feeling that, "God was 
good." 

It was about this time that old Col. Fowzer, who was 
the boss of the cattle yard, and others, had been to the 
county seat attending court. They started home at night, 
and no doubt had squeezed black Betty a good many times, 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 113 

as they were quite hilarious. They were in an open wagon 
driving over the prairie, and as chance would have it struck 
a lane that was fenced and took to it. The horses did not 
know the way, after getting out of it. Several lights were 
seen, but lights are on the prairie pretty much as are 
coons, nothing to distinguish 'em apart from each other. 
"Everybody knew the way," and it looked as though things 
would cause them to have to stop at any old place, as they 
failed in recognizing their homes located near the edge of 
town. Finally old Fowzer said: "I'll do the talking at the 
next house." He did. Some one came to the door and 
he asked, "Who lives here." "Col. Fowzer," was the reply. 
"I'll be damned if he does," he replied, and turned around, 
saying: "Boys, do you hear them Methodist hymns; we 
don't have 'em in my home. And look at them lights. I'm 
no millionaire." Finally some one said: "Why, pa, don't you 
know me?" He said: "I don't know anything any more, 
fetch out Col. Fowzer's meerschaum pipe, and his jug, and 
we'll see whether we can identify each other." 

Well, I left that section, and about three years after- 
ward I came into that town by another railroad line. It 
had become a junction town by that time. I had to lay 
over for several hours, and it was then but 6 a. m. Of 
course a new station was no great surprise to me, but a 
few steps out it was different. I stepped off gingerly to the 
direction where tJie sign was up in days gone by, "Damn the 
luck this street is impassible, it's scarcely jackassable" and 
by gum if there wasn't a block pavement. I stepped into 
a saloon that looked metropolitan like. Anyway they had 
a wine list, and if the barkeeper had a gun on him it was 
out of sight, and he wore only a small diamond and white 
tie, as a distinguishing mark of his trade. By daylight I 
had one surprise after another, not the least of which 
was water everyivhere. First water had been brought 
from a small river some five miles away. Then as fate 



114 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

would have it artesian wells just a short ways off furnished 
immense supplies, where before it seems there was none. 
The town had "stuck-up" churches of several denomina- 
tions. The women had become so numerous that they were 
actually talking about a women's club. People had learned 
that they were in God's country. The seventh man who 
died had actually died with his boots off, was buried like 
a Christian, and the preacher had worked off the stereo- 
type, "just like back home." I had been to the fair at 
Dallas, and was told, "stranger, if you'll show up here next 
month we'll show you the finest cattle show in Texas," 
better than Dallas, or "if you'll drive out with me I'll show 
you land selling at $50 an acre growing as fine peaches, 
grapes and truck as you will find anywhere, and five years 
ago there was nothing around but prairie grass and land 
going at $3 an acre." And so on round after round, change 
— evolution. 

Then you should have seen the buildings! Real town 
buildings, that had sprung up. The old sow which used to 
rock the saddler shop (where we loafed), when scratching 
her back, had left for the hog heaven. There was a bank 
doing business, that cut both ways, same as East, and two 
newspapers, two parties, and the circuses did a big busi- 
ness — surely things had evoluted. So many and many were 
the wonderful changes that it set a fellow to wondering 
whether or not it wasn't a dream, and the only thing quite 
reassuring was that same old flea — he never evolutes. 



WOMEN AND WHISKEY. 

If women do not like whiskey and beer why are their 
noses so intensely keen to find it? Talk about noses: Why 
I know a woman who has a keener sense of smell than a 
fox hound. She can smell a drink around the corner; no 
difference from what direction the wind is, and that, too, 
after the trail is two months old. 




—"She waddled along with me Ijuzzing the while like—" Page 115. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 115 

"WHAT I VANT IS PEACE." 

During quite a number of years of my life I was largely 
employed in selling real estate and I had a special pen- 
chant tor making people happy in selling them farms. At 
a time when I had just arrived from the West in an East- 
ern city, where I had a considerable acquaintance, I was 
importuned to go and see several German families who 
ought to buy farms, but with whom my informant said he 
had no luck, because of his inability to speak German. He 
thought that, being equipped in that respect, my success 
with them would be better. This neighborhood of people 
had received a lot of money from the city government in 
purchase of their leaseholds, the ground having been 
bought for park purposes a short time before. Among 
others, there was a gardener named Schmidt. He had re- 
ceived $7,000 in cash and it was in a bank, subject to with- 
drawal on demand. It was the epoch of the family history 
to have such a sum of money, as the greatest sum on hand 
thereto was about the amount they would have in receipt 
for a load or two of garden truck. Schmidt was an elon- 
gated specimen of Germania, rather lugubrious of mien, but 
of fair understanding. His wife was dumpy, positive, bossy, 
coarse and homely. It was evident that she was mostly 
boss. In the end it was decided that she would go with 
me to visit the owners of a farm or two in the adjoining 
county, but who had their business offices in the lower por- 
tion of the city, and then if suited go and see a place or 
two. She wore a sun-bonnet, rainy day skirt and cowhide 
shoes. She waddled along with me, buzzing the while like 
a bumble bee, down the great thoroughfare of the city. I 
enjoyed it hugely. At the office of a friend who had a 
farm, I tried to persuade her to go with him to see it. She 
looked askance at him and said: "If I go, I go not mit 
him, but mit you, him I cannot trust." 



116 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

It was finally decided that we should go that day to 
see a place. Arrangements were made for an open carriage 
to meet us, by the trainside on our arrival. I set myself 
out for enjoyment as well as business, and it pleased me 
no little when she spread herself over an entire seat and 
felt herself a perfect lady as I drove her several miles in the 
country and introduced her with ostentatious formality 
wherever I could. She saw the place, and it evidently con- 
quered as she said Schmidt should see it as a mere matter 
of form, as she wanted the place. Schmidt, too, had finally 
visited it and the arrangement was that they should on a 
certain Friday call to pay hand money and enter into a for- 
mal contract of purchase. They failed to show up, so a 
few days after that date I called to learn what was wrong. 
The house apparently was deserted as well as closed. The 
dogs barked at me, and a pet talking crow at the door 
croaked dolefully: "Trouble, nothing but trouble." With 
the kind help of a neighbor woman after frequent knocking 
a door finally opened and a girl of the family, who had ap- 
peared, told me in tones of anguish, "everything was gone." 
With the help of the neighbor woman, I learned that a 
family spat about buying a farm had occurred between 
Schmidt and his wife and that he finally said he was tired 
of woman domination and had left the house several days 
before, and to date had failed to return. That immediately 
on his leaving the old woman, fearful of his drawing the 
$7,000. had followed hot on his trail, but the nearest she 
had got to him was to see his coat tails flying a corner 
after he had already drawn the money. That she even 
then was on the hunt of him and feared he had left the 
country for the fatherland. I went my way to return some 
days afterward. I then found my man as well as the wom- 
an. It turned out he returned with the money all right. He 
looked more lugubrious of mien than before. I said to him, 
"Schmidt, how are you?" To which he replied, "I are not— 




Mr. Schmidt — "What I Vant is Peace." — Page 117. 



LIFE AS I'VE POUND IT. 117 

I vas" (pointing to his wife), "he iss." I followed this up, 
"But Schmidt, how about the farm?" Said he, "Depew, 
come once mit the spring house." At the spring house, 
after we had looked at each other a few times, I reiterated, 
"Schmidt, how about the farm?" Said he, "Depew, I can- 
not vants a farm. My wife, he vant this; my son, she 
vantis that; my dotter, I don't what the teufel he vants; 
but for me, for me, I vant peace, nothing but peace." 

I left him in peace. Some time thereafter, both came 
to see me. They were then in perfect unison, having bought 
another place, which they were anxious to dispose of, as 
they felt they had been most thoroughly bitten in its pur- 
chase. Their suddenly acquired wealth brought little hap- 
piness. 



118 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

SHORT STOPS. 

Don't worry; it is just as easy to fret. 
o 

If "the world is bum," we are the bummers who made 
it so. 

o 

I'd tell you about "the letter that never came," but 
1 won't. 

o 

I cannot thinV to hate with my thinker; nor with my 
"hater" think. 



Boys and girls are born hating meanness, yet educated 
to cultivate it. 



"Don't worry" is a great thing, and, "Oh, so easy," said 
the fellow whom the monument was holding down. 



What is the use and philosophy of having brains em- 
ployed in petty hates, anyway? Stop your meanness. 



"How are you feeling today, old man?" "Porely, pore- 
ly, jes as though I was a mile 'tother side of the pore 
house." 

o 

There is nothing like first imbibations, though some- 
times they come late as convictions. Mother is the best 
woman on the face of the earth, or under the sod. 



NEWSPAPERS. 

EXPERIENCES, STORIES, Etc. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 121 



"TOOK IT FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS." 

I was employed by a great agricultural paper of New 
York city to look to interests in portions of Texas and 
Louisiana. It was expected of me to engage the services 
of solicitors, collect old bills, write some, and so forth, I 
had several instructive and amusing things brought about 
in my travels. One I recall at this moment and I don't 
think I'll ever forget it— the fellow who had taken it for 
eighteen years. I was in a little town south of Houston, 
Texas. I had found it almost impossible to hire solicitors 
of any account, and so reluctantly thought I would start 
in once more myself. 

First, however, as was my custom, I became well ac- 
quainted with the largest general merchant of the town 
in order to get "posted" about the people of the section. 
I noticed several people whose vehicles were standing 
around the front of the building, and on inquiry, learned 
a number were formerly Kansas folks. Referring to my 
memoranda, and continuing my inquiry, I learned one of 
the people present was on my delinquent list. He had 
left his Kansas home owing us eight dollars, and was still 
receiving our paper. I sidled over his way, and before 
I could open a talk, he had started and lead off on the 
land of his neighborhood. He lived some twelve miles 
away, and before I could get a word in, he took it for 
granted that I was looking for land, and insisted on my go- 
ing home with him. 

We drove over the prairie and arrived at his homo 
about midnight. Just before retiring I made known my 
real business, but told him not to let it trouble his sleep, 
as I had outlined for the next day a way that he could 



122 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

settle with us and make some additional money as well. 
Tlie next day I arranged with him to drive me over the 
country and to the town from whence we had come the 
previous night. At each place we stopped I introduced 
him, saying, it is true I am the agent for the American 
Agriculturist, but the gentleman driving me knows more 
about it than I do, as he has been a subscriber and has 
read it constantly for eighteen years. Himmel, how the 
man talked and how I was kept busy taking down ad- 
dresses and putting dollars in my pocket. He would look 
at me furtively every little while, wondering whether I'd 
blurt out some fool talk about his delinquency. I in- 
terpreted his look, shook my head and said, "not yet." I 
never had better luck from another man's work in the sub- 
schiption business. When I fed him at the best hotel and 
called him colonel, and spoke about our mining interests 
in Arizona, and a prospective trip to Europe, I felt as 
happy as a duck among the celery. 



REJUVENATING A DEAD HORSE. 

It is curious how many people take a paper without a 
thought of ever paying for it and realizing that their petty 
larceny helps to make up largely in the sum total of the 
world's wrong doing. I was sick and had wound up the pub- 
lication of a weekly paper which had been saddled on to 
me with a previous history. Because of my deafness it re- 
mained a dead letter to me, until all of a sudden I found 
that I had resurrected a practically dead horse, my assist- 
ant held the notes of the owners before the last whom 
I succeeded, and which my continuation kept in force. So 
I determined to wind it up and fill the list of subscribers 
with another paper. I had already discarded quite a lot 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 123 

of the names that remained unpaid; I needed money and 
was threatened with a return of paralysis. I thought I 
might get a little money and jolly myself in endeavoring 
to collect some of the outstanding subscriptions, so I made a 
list of remaining ones. I filled my pockets full of candy 
and pennies and started out, and hired the young ones, as 
it were, to go in the house and fetch me out a copy of my 
paper; in various ways tried to gain a little good will, and 
locate my paper, as I came about a stranger, personally at 
least, to most of them. I succeeded pretty well, but had 
my experiences. I remember at one place, a Welsh woman. 
She came to the hall door, and was immediately on the 
defensive and quite savage. I was jollying her and having 
some sport because of her lies. I persuaded myself thar 
I would get nothing out of her, and had determined not to 
try very hard. A young man, evidently her son, stood 
glaring at me looking as though he was itching to "neb" 
into the discussion, or to commit an assault upon me, with 
little or no provocation. I motioned to him. He came to 
the door. I said, "You are Mr. Roberts? Do you not know 
that the icemen often play scurvey tricks on one?" He said, 
"Yes." I continued, "Is it not true that the younger gen- 
eration have a superior chance of learning not alone busi- 
ness, but in knowing how to maintain their rights?" He 
swelled with pride and said, "Yes." "Well, if the ice man 
had been delivering you ice, and you were no longer satis- 
fied with him, what would you do?" He said, "Pay him, 
and tell him to go to hell." "Well," said I, "good day, 
folks," and threw in the paper with the addressed label on 
it which I had received from one of the younger children 
and left instanter. I have no doubt that they quarreled 
mightily on my leaving, and I can't say that I was sur- 
prised on receiving a letter from the son within a day or 
two of apology as to his mother, and with it the cash for 
two years' back subscription. 



124 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

DELINQUENT SUBSCRIBERS. 

Last week a delinquent subscriber said he would pay 
up if he lived. He died. Another said: "I will see you 
tomorrow." He's blind. Still anotner said: "I'll pay you 
this week or go to the devil." He's gone. There are hun- 
dreds who ought to take warning of these procrastinators 
and pay up now. — Finley (S. D.) Slope. 

Yes, and there was the woman whom I knew to be de- 
linquent on the list of my paper, the Calliope Clarion. She 
turned the deaf ear on me. "She never took that 'ere 
paper." She told me so through my speaking trumpet. I 
don't need glasses to see, and I focussed my eagle eye upon 
a parcel address to Rev. Snivel, and on the beautifully 
scalloped shelf paper, and there was the "Clarion" in full 
bloom. I condoled with her prayerfully. "Oh, well, my 
good woman, just pay me for fun. She did; and she still 
lives. 



AN AFTER MIDNIGHT REVERIE. 

"So, you imp of satan! So they are drunk again; have 
pied a page and boiler plate or something is wanted? 
Well, run boiler plate, but hold for a stick full or two." 

Dark and dismal is the night unless some unusual thing 
happens there is no more flimsey for the night and nothing 
startling, no how. The Weiner Wurst man had hied him- 
self home and has by this time discovered the multilated 
coin and foreign pieces given him by the printers "who 
don't drink," ( God bless 'em.) The butcher is figuring the 
best way to sell as much bone with as little meat as possi- 
ble during the coming day. The car conductor with imper- 
turbuble gravity and professional pride to knock down fares 
and wayfarers so as to get a day off with his girl. Two 
certain Williams may (as I am) be awake and wondering 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 125 

which one of them is to be pied in the race for presidency of 
this durned distracted country of ours, which has to be 
saved every four years. 

How many souls have been ushered in this world and 
out since we went to press last and how much fun have the 
outs lost that the in& will gain? However ought and all, 
was, is or will be, the world moves on its axis and day fol- 
lows night in the same old methodical way. 

The incumbent of the presidential office may have four 
years more, or the grim reaper may call him even in his 
exalted station. The funniest thing in life is life itself. 
As me muse here, plan and scheme, it's all for naught per- 
haps, as were an infinitisimal fraction of an immense whole 
and the tail don't wag the dog unless you are in the pluto- 
crat class. And some fellows' bank account will continue 
to be so unfairly plethoric, that many people, good people, 
will as now go on short rations without even the "full din- 
ner pail." The chimney will smoke both ways. That neigh- 
bor boy will continue to be a perfect little devil as the old 
lady said, and the baby will cry all night for Castoria. 

With the passing election goes the bumble-bee. The 
thistledown blows lazily over the land; between the howls 
of the wind there's a more melancholy cadence in the 

voice of the hoot owl. I hope every fellow will have an 
overcoat and his winter's fuel laid by, for 

"The north wind doth blow, 

And we shall have snow. 

And what will robin do then? 

tie'll stick his head under his wing- 
Poor thing, poor thing." 

How the wind howls, anyhow. There is a land of pure 
delight, where— oh, those drunken printers! God forgive 



126 LIFE AS' I'VE FOUND IT.. 

me. The old printers' home should be on the hills over- 
looking the valley of the San Anton, and they should feed 
on pie and quail. 

I can't help it, but now, as the winds begin to howl, I 
long for the region of the Gulf of Mexico — there, "gentle 
reader," and those who ain't so gentle — pshaw! talk about 
climate! there, we sit under our vine and fig tree, and bask 
in the sunshine, while you sit shivering by the fireside, in 
your frozen north. 

Well, if a fellow has a good hunting dog or two, and a 
good gun, he might forget it all. But then there's the new 
law that scarcely leaves a fellow a chance to shoot any- 
thing, except his companion, and we can't get the right 
fellow to go along. 

.'Life is a queer scheme anyhow, as the fellow said, who 
went to make love in the dark one time, and when he lit 
a match, both were surprised and disappointed, as the fe- 
male he had run across was not another woman, but his 
wife. They went home and made the best of it. I am 
going home now, and I am going to let the printer fellow 
have this, just to fill out. And as the horse which took 
shavings for grass, so you'll have to take this, and make the 
best of it. Yours more than ever. 

C. D. 



RUNNING A NEWSPAPER. 



Many a fellow only begins to knov/ something, not 
while he ran a newspaper, but after it had run him. I went 
into an office just when the young man editor of my ac- 
quaintance had finished writing his salutatory. He handed 
it over to me and asked me what I thought of it, and 
whether it was not a little too long. I commended it. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 127 

'Twas a prose poem. I told him it was not quite long 
enough, and he asked me what to add. I told him some- 
thing like this: 

"While we in truth and sincerity believe that we will 
fulfill all, and even more than we have promised, but 
are fully aware that the sea of journalism is filled with 
wreck and that few psalms are sung over a dead horse, 
or newspaper, so look out for a funeral. That wisdom after 
his wrath had subsided, stood in his piece, and it was not 
strange to me that he soon got a job after the burial of 
his paper, and held it down all right on a city paper. 



128 LIFE AS rVE FOUND IT. 

STAGS FRIGHT. 

I have read somewhere about an actor of ability los- 
ing his equanimity and voice every time he tried to make 
a speech, although nothing could much disconcert him 
while at his regular occupation as an actor. 

During the early career of Lord Erskine some one with 
whom he was engaged in a debate in the parliament, and 
who had been taking notes during Erskine's address, sud- 
denly ran a pen through the paper and disdainfully threw 
it on the floor. This spoiled what up to that event had 
been a brilliant speech. I remember of my Uncle Hiram. 
He was said to have been the best story teller in a little 
crowd of all the people in his section and even self-reliant 
to audacity. Money was being raised to pay off a church 
debt, and ,he being the rich man of the congregation was 
looked to for a good lift towards cancelling' the incum- 
brance. Undoubtedly it was expected as well that he would 
make a felicitous talk and get off a few "good ones" as 
well. As he drove a spanking team of blacks that cavort- 
ed like dudes' horses on the boulevards, a number of people 
at the country meeting house, remained outside and all in 
all his advent was an ovation. When it came to calling on 
him, he mentioned with assumed diffidence his subscription, 
and then started out, "Bre and," "brethren and sis," and 
paused, scratched his nose, tapped his forehead, and then, 
with a big sigh of relief, turned to his wife, saying: "Oh 
— (sugar) — Lucy Ann, let's go home." 

I remember an incident of my own. After having be- 
come quite deaf, so I could scarcely hear myself whistle, 
I got so frightened and stubborn that first I would not and 
then could not speak, or thought I could not before an 
audience. However, after some fifteen years of silence, I 
managed to make a speech or two, and then lapsed again 
for a while. I was then prevailed upon to deliver an ad- 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 129 

dress to a "good roads" meeting. It was some distance 
from the city, in a country school house. I had been sick 
and felt sallow to commence with, but in no manner could 
claim ill health as an honest excuse for a tied tongue. I 
expected to be called on as the last speaker, and when 
on the contrary, after the chairman had made his talk, I 
was tapped on the shoulder, and was pointed to go on the 
platform, I began to feel as though I was mounting the 
gallows. I walked several times along it, began feeling for 
notes in my pocket, and found them on the floor, 
picked them up, looked at the audience as one resur- 
rected from the grave, facing hades. I blowed my nose, 
scratched my leg, and I could see a house full of smiles. A 
big lunk of a fellow was on his feet, and his chin wagging, 
and what had been a grin before on those people seemed 
to me, deaf as I am, a loud guffaw, and I guessed correct- 
ly what he had said: "Mr. President, I ask you to call the 
assemblage to order, so we can better hear the eloquent 
gentleman; ask him that he speak louder." 

The circumstance brought me to my senses and I spoke 
thus: "Gentlemen: Mr. Louder may come up this way and 
try it on himself, if he wishes." I then with my hands in my 
pockets, walked up and down the platform sucking wind 
and to gain a little time. I then commenced thus: "I 
might appear before you as the ubiquitous politician with 
one hand on my honest heart and the other under my coat- 
tails (there being no women present, I elevated the coat- 
talis and faced the audience backwards) but being but a 
common clod hopper, humble before God, and concerned 
about the state of my — the public roads, I will not do so. I 
might mention to you the perfection of the Appian Way of 
the Romans, the great highways of Peru, and the transcen- 
dant highway built by Napoleon to cross the Alps with his 
army, or of the National Pike upon which traveled our fore- 



130 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

fathers to settle the wilderness of the west, but of all these 
matters I will have none. 

"I'll speak to you simply upon a subject, a condition, 
of which you all know, and for which every man of you 
(thundered it out) is guilty, and of which I alone of all 
assembled here am innocent, sirs: The — damn — bad — 
roads — of — Baldwin — township," I spied the road super- 
visor (and with a proper pause) called out: "I see Pete — 
Peter, come up to the mourners' bench or to the altar, 
and point out the most guilty, and in me, sir, you will find 
protection." I had got warmed up, and guessed right when 
Pete took a sneak to a nearby tavern. Then a swell dressed 
man with a handful of documents crouched low. He was a 
fellow who wanted to sell a rock crusher. I paid my re- 
spects to this point, and could have had a prayer meeting 
before I quit had I asked for it, but I wound up speaking of 
the Crucifixion, and washed my hands of the whole affair 
as Pilate had, leaving the fate of the roads of Baldwin 
township to the will of the multitude, who were responsible. 

I remember of my closest relative telling when I was 
a boy of his failure before an audience at graduation ex- 
ercises. He was selected as essayist, H. J. Raymond, ora- 
tor; Judge, Noah Davis, and others of the class participat- 
ing. He told of the finished ease of Raymond, naturalness of 
Davis, etc. When it came his turn he was almost speech- 
less. His preceptor got permission to read his essay, 
which was pronounced really creditable and quite original. 
However, in his case it was perhaps as much natural un- 
fitness for public speaking, as what is called stage fright. 
It is pretty hard when a fellow is primed all ready to go 
off with something "grand," to find his tongue cleaving to 
the roof of his mouth, and then realize: 

"All bright hopes and hues of day. 
Have faded into twilight gray." 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 131 

HOW I PUT ON WEIGHT. 

I have been so often asked how I put on flesh, that 
I want to now put it on record for the public good. Nothing 
was easier: I've grown fat on trouble. Perhaps I would 
not have grown fat on trouble, if there had been anything 
else around handy to take its place. I am firmly convinced 
that the man who isn't willing to grow fat on trouble may 
get mighty thin hunting too long for something else. 



THE MAN WHO TOLD THE TRUTH. 

If we have to tell anything, of course it is probably 
the best to tell the truth, that is as a rule. But yet how 
often are we forward in telling the truth about matters of 
no concern, to us, to tell at all. I remember a licking I 
got when I was quite a young man, which I never would 
have received after I cut my wisdom teeth, because of 
unnecessarily telling the truth. 

An acquaintance of mine I had heard was going to 
marry a certain young woman. The damsel in making 
my acquaintance, conducted herself in such a way that 
while I thought she might make a whilom boon companion 
for a man she was not just the "It" for a wife. Thinking 
my man would thank me for my information, I kept the 
matter to myself except to inform him privately. He re- 
sented it in such a manner that there was nothing left to 
do except "to fight it out under the railroad bridge," by 
the river side. While thus engaged the other fellow hav- 
ing the "boys" with him, they pushed me into the river to 
get me to let up upon him. However, a stray blow's effect 
I carry to this day, I have learned a whole lot more about 



132 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

women since, but I wouldn't let it out of me if run through 
a sand filter. I never yet have been licked for telling a 
lie and you all know the reason why. 

"There was a man who said one day 

Unto himself: "Hereafter I 
Shall not be base enough to say 

A single word that is a lie; 
The truth I'll tell to teach to all, 
To high and low and great and small!" 

And so he bravely started out, 

His heart was strong, his spirit bold; 

Of all the things he talked about 
The truth and nothing else was told; 

He scorned the tricks of speech through which 

Men make themselves adored and rich. 

He told the whole truth, nothing more, 
And when they bore him home that night 

His face was battered up and sore. 
And he was what was called a sight — 

He lost his job, his friends were few, 

But he had learned a thing or two." 



THE "PAINLESS DENTIST." 
I know him. — He is the fellow who never pulled a tooth. 



TO BUCK AGAINST THE WORLD. 

Bust bronchos for a couple of years and you may land 

a winner. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 133 

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

"Now you're shouting" — the mother-in-law! Subject 
for a regular heart-to-heart-talk and overflow meeting. In 
looking over Sacred history I have failed to notice anything 
about mother-in-law at the world's start. It looks as though 
she were not a Divine creation of the first magnitude. 

After the flood it was noted that Noah in landing, 
landed a mother-in-law, although no other essential, but 
what was on the way bill. Did he throw her overboard 
on the voyage, or had the world still been unblessed with 
her presence in the household? In looking over the way 
bill we noticed two animals of a kind of all sorts (furred 
and feathered, etc.) — one male and one female. Now, 
here again, that there was but one female of each kind in 
all cases, seems that even unto the least of them the 
Creator had not as yet surrendered to the mother-in-law. 
Things, however, did not always remain thus. Although 
history does not set down the date, yet upon a certain 
day and date mother-in-law jumped into the band wagon 
and she'll stay there while life last, if human experience 
counts for anything. 

It cannot be said that the trouble of our two first par- 
ents, which has descended to us, even unto this day, was 
because of mother-in-law. She wasn't in those days. Now 
then: suppose she had been, might it not have eased 
things up a little, that Adam had not been quite so first 
in the family racket a sort of divid^d-the-blame-condition 
and thereby lessened the curse that was placed upon us 
all? This is a matter for greater scholars than I am, 
and opens a line of inquiry whether or not the translators 
and early fathers had in some manner permitted Eve's 
mother to escape only to appear so much later in the bat- 
tle of life. Besides, if "mother-in-law" had but been in 
her proper place, standing up for her daughter, we would 



134 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

have had a ruling on our standing in the family from high 
authority all these years gone by, that might have saved 
lots of trouble and family "busts." 

I have always had a tender feeling for women, and 
there are but few mothers toward whom I've felt 
half so tender, as poor Eva. There she stood with but 
few garments on. Although she had everything, yet she 
had nothing. There were no ladies' outfitters; no depart- 
ment stores, nor instalment agents. She had no com- 
panions of her own sex, nor any other, except Adam. 
When "things" happened, her mother was not there. 
There was none to take her home to ,her folks, none to 
pity, none to advise, no one to go and see Howe and Hum- 
mel about a divorce and alimony. How handy it would 
have been for her to have had a mother. How interesting 
for Adam to have had to deal with two such women in- 
stead of but one. To have or not to have a mother-in-law, 
is largely a matter of choice. It is said one might marry 
an orphan. Another authority says a woman who wants 
to be a mother-in-law, never dies until she "gets there." 
In some families there are two mothers-in-law. That's 
certainly gayer than where there is but one. It's some- 
thing of a three-ring circus and a sideshow attachment. 
If you are not the sideshow, maybe, if you are "real good," 
you can be the boy who carries the water for the animals. 

I, too, dear friends and brethren, ,have a mother-in- 
law. I still live; I'm getting bald; I limp with a leg; I 
can't hear; I'm meek and humble; I may die most any 
time — even on the street I dodge things. Yes, I too, have 
a mother-in-law. My Lovenia's only mother, the widow 
of her deceased father. Gentlemen of the human family, 
don't tell anybody, but I don't want another. Gently 
don't shout— silence. As I told before, I do not want an- 
other, * * * unless I am compelled to have an- 
other; then I want-of-the-same-kind-as-I-have now. I could 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 135 

say a whole lot of things about mothers-in-law, but I wont. 
I want this book to bring peace in the house, not discord. 

I know one fellow who made peace in his house. He 
married his mother-in-law and threw her daughter out. 
Then they took the daughter in as a star boarder. With 
the admirable life of that couple before her, the daughter 
and ex-wife had by the time her sainted mother died pre- 
pared herself to take her place once more, as wife, and 
all went merry as could be "forever afterward." 

Our wife went away to the mountains. She never 
before trusted her mother alone with her husband and 
his boys. Her mother is a giddy thing, about 75 years of 
age; knows how to bake corn bread and sew on buttons, 
fix up lunches twenty-four hours during the day. In short 
is everything a mother-in-law ought to be. Never is sick 
a day. Don't kick about tobacco, etc., etc., etc., and more. 
The first week went off smooth. The next week, things pro- 
gressing, although mother-in-law got a little note "commis- 
erating with her for the "terrible ordeal," and it said, 
"Mother, I'll be home soon." The daughter at once received 
a special delivery letter by telegraph, "repeat," pre-paid, 
to "stay just a little longer and let mother get her work 
in." After it was all over and she, our Lovenia, came back. 
She (that is that mother-in-law), said Lovenia, that man of 
yours is a bang-up, jim dandy of a fellow; just the kind of 
fellow we girls- were looking for 60 years ago and since." 
Lovenia has several time referred to how I had "fooled 
mother," that "she did not know me as she ought to — " And 
then a kind of reflectively adds, "Charlie, do you really think 
mother meant what she said of you?" I said, "Lovenia, I 
never knew your mother to tell a lie when she told the 
truth." Thereupon Lovenia said, "you mean Dutchman, you 
know mother never lies." Next to her mother I don't 
know a finer woman for a mother-in-law than is, Lovenia 
herself. 



136 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

"THE MIRTHFUL MAN." 

It may have been my old friend, Mr. John F. Sading- 
ton, Esq., who vv^rote the following lines. I don't know. 
I do not care, but I do wish I could hear old "Sad's" mirth- 
ful laugh once more. The lines are from one of the Chi- 
cago daily papers. I have forgotten which, so cannot 
credit it. I'm no po'et, no more am I a goa-et. I'm a 
"Peach." 'When you read poetry it's hardly ever mine. 

The man whose laugh keeps ringing loud 

May never stand sublime 
Upon the height toward which the crowd 

Keeps striving all the time; 
He may not have the wish or will 

To lead at work or play, 
He may be weak or foolish 
Still 

We like him anyway. 

The m.an whose laugh keeps ringing clear 

When others sadly sigh 
May leave no work behind him here 

That men may know him by; 
He may be satisfied to get 

His meals from day to day, 
Instead of toiling nobly. 
Yet 

We like him anyway. 

The man whose laugh keeps ringing out 

May lack the sense to see 
That jokes which make him loudly shout 

Are old to you and me; 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 137 

The doors of wisdom may be shut 

To him, poor fool, for aye. 
He may arouse derision 
But 

We like him anyway. 

For him whose hearty laugh is heard 

The Lord be praised! His mirth 
Is greater than the sage's word 

For spreading peace on earth; 
The day that opens dark with woe 

May brighten and be gay 
Because some fool comes laughing 
So 

We like him anyway. 



THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM. 

I frequently have to be helped out in seeking informa- 
tion about people, owing to my deafness. Mere sight doesn't 
go always. I mistake an Irishman for a Dutchman often, 
and speak my best Irish to the Dutchman, and Dutch to 
the Irishman. The deaf have lots of trouble. 

I spent a couple of days looking up a woman with 
whom I had heard the word "business" connected so much, 
and who so looked it that I thought she was just the woman 
I needed. I finally cornered an old acquaintance whom I 
could trust and who knew her well. I asked him whether 
she was specially qualified, and what business she was in- 
terested in. He told me her qualifications were most ex- 
cellent, but he knocked the combination for me wh^n 
he answered that she "was in everybody's business." 



138 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



IMPRESSING KING EDWARD. 

Since to the coronation some 
Impressive persons we must send; 

Since England bids us quickly come 
To prove that we are still her friend, 

Why choose such lightweights for our need 

As Captain Clark and Whitelaw Reid? 

If we desire to impress 

Upon the British monarch's mind 
A concept of our mightiness 

(Avoirdupois, with wealth combined). 
Why don't we take him unawares 
And send a bunch of millionaires? 

St. Louis Post-Dispatch. 

Did you never feel so utterly small and mean, that it 
was about all you could do to keep from going and getting 
dead drunk? Well, I have, once, once anyhow, and it was 
when we through our powers at Washington were made 
to appear a nation of snobs at the King of England's coro- 
nation. We call ourself a nation of kings. Oh — Rory 
O'Moore — we played fool, and the English won't forget it. 



IMPRESSING KING EDWAIID VII. 




—Page 138. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 189 

WHAT AN ACRE WILL DO. 

I can't tell you the limit of what an acre will do. 
The agents of the Astors might tell you something, as 
regards their holdings in New York City. Within my 
own brief life I saw acres sold to members of my own 
family for $300 and sold again for $15,000 per acre. 

Colonel Jim Guffey has had some experience in many 
places. Perhaps the most notable was at "Spindle Top, 
Beaumont, Texas, oil fields, where oil spouted from an 
eight or ten-inch pipe at the rate of thousands of barrels 
daily. And then there are the mines. As regards farming, 
I have seen toward the Gulf from the city of Houston, a 
fellow from Illinois grow almost "everything that grows" 
in the temperate zone, and some of the things of the 
tropics thrown in, on his acres; while across the fence, 
on the same sort of land, but handled by a different sort 
of a farmer, there was little else than some poor corn, 
blackberries, "mustard greens," razor-backed hogs, two- 
headed children and h — generally. In the cultivation of 
the soil much depends on the sort of a fellow who handles 
the hoe. No one fellow gets all the good land, and the 
sun shines and the rain falls to the benefit of all. Help 
your acre along to the best you know how, and "sing 
songs." 



HALF CIVILIZED SHEEP. 



Half Civilized Sheep — Mexican sheep bred to high bred 
bucks. 



A NEEDED SERMON. 



An honest preacher to say, now, "I shall tell you all 
about, what I do not know." 



140 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

PUBLIC HOSPITAL RULES. 

Most of the people who enter a hospital have no 
knowledge in advance of its rules and regulations. I 
would consider it a great improvement, a promoter of 
smooth working of the administration to hand to the 
patient at first early convenient opportunity a set of 
simple printed rules, to every one able to read, whose 
condition permitted of it, upon his or her entering the 
institution. One of the first things that makes trouble 
i . that, an unexperienced person cannot understand why 
his regular clothing is taken from him. This is especially 
true in emergency cases — where the patient often has im- 
portant papers, bearing on business under process of im- 
mediate settlement, cash and other valuables, his own 
or that of others. He wants his mind at ease on these 
matters, and the custody of this property as demand the 
exigencies of the case connected, arranged without un- 
necessary delay. A man suddenly injured is more con- 
scientious than he generally is, and his mind dwells on 
unfinished business. Hospitals as a rule are kept up at 
the expense of the taxpayer. No man ought to feel that 
he is an intruder or as a charity beneficiary, when he is 
using his own property. The term charity patient is a 
misnomer and an insult. But for the appropriation of 
large sums by the various commonwealths of the public 
wealth most hospitals would not exist. It is well for th© 
patient to as far as possible, to comply to the minutest 
v/ith the rules, and keep the good will of the attendants. 

Another pointer is, one of warning: Be on the alert 
in case you are a surgical case, and your injury is due 
to an accident upon the public streets, or conveyances, or 
in the services of large employers of labor. Be meek 
and humble; insist on being sent into a "charity" ward. 
In nearly every instance where unusual attention is shown 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 141 

you by any one else than your immediate kin or fellow- 
laborer, or tbe "regular staff" physicians, or nurses, it 
is to your prejudice for damages as compensation for your 
injuries sustained. It is to compromise for payment of 
your hospital bill, or release for a trifle and waver of 
damage suit. In cities where you are a voter you gen- 
erally have no hospital bill. At most, your board, only 
a reasonable sum. Remember, to make friends with the 
attendants and do not hesitate to have the services of 
the best surgeon in town in advisement called in to see 
you; it may save your life or limb from being half 
"cured" of dislocations and wounds that will give you 
trouble in years to come. 



THE HOSPITAL NURSE. 



My experience has convinced me that to the man who 
is unsettled about the desirability of a woman as a com- 
panion for life, that nothing will settle him in deciding 
the matter as quickly and finally as a couple of months 
spent in a well-regulated hospital. I once "heard a rough 
fellow say that the nurses were "immense." He meant 
about the same thing as the Arkansas Cracker, who, 
speaking of the woman whom he had chosen for life, as, 
"can't be beat; she has sense like a mule." 

To commence with, a hospital nurse must possess in- 
telligence, good eyesight, hearing and vitality. That is 
a good deal to commence with in any woman. She is 
drilled and subjected to rigid rules. She must be neat, 
clean, silent, firm, sympathetic, but not of the maudling 
sort. She knows about the preparation of foods, making 
breads, and learns mankind as few other women have a 
chance to learn. It is not easy for a man to fool her. Nor 
does she hold her virtue cheap. To gain her good opinion 



142 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

you have to be a pretty tolerable fellow. As a rule to 
gain her love you must be a man among men. To capture 
her in marriage is a ten-strike, and a man has, to my mind, 
a useful, sensible, intelligent, sound-bodied companion, 
who can bear him cliildren and take care of them and a 
home properly. 



THE ONION. 



The average great man is about as great as the fellow 
who "kicks on the onion." It would be interesting to know 
the private life of the man who is onion proof and always 
has his little say about onions, as despicable and filthy, and 
who would not defile himself eating them. I know some- 
thing about the man who eats onions that isn't to be kept 
in secrecy. The onion is of ancient lineage. He has a 
grandfather. Why, the onion is so old that man seems as 
but a by-product. It is said he was almost an object of 
worship in Egypt two thousand years before the Christian 
era, and that before that time his habitat was India. Hum- 
boldt, the great scientist and explorer, sighed and hunted 
for the onion once upon a time in his travels. Mungo Park 
done likewise, and General Grant said he would not take 
command of an army without a liberal supply of them. 
They ward off colds and play the devil with the scurvy, but 
there are lots of scurvy people who have no use for them. 



LUCK. 

The luckiest kind of luck is to strike it in your matri- 
monial venture. 



SOCIAL LIFE AS IT SEEMS TO ME. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 145 



HUMANITY TO-DAY. 

I, in all sincerity, believe mankind to be but poorly- 
put together to begin with, and but half baked in the finish. 
As society is constituted so little thought ol: importance is 
given to the advent in the world of a mortal, that the very 
fact of being born brings us up against a series of increas- 
ing ills, instead of increasing happiness, as we pass through 
life. The breeding of humanity is truly an infant industry, 
that requires protection, and study. It has been engaged 
in with but little forethought, knowledge, heart or feeling 
of responsibility. For a primary lesson in wisdom we could 
well attend the chicken shows, the dog shows, cattle, horse 
and hog shows. There we can learn to some understanding 
the infinite care, devotion and study through which im- 
provements are brought about in animals useful to man. 
Thus to primarily admit the value, through seeing the 
works, and that human benefit accrues from the improve- 
ment of the lower animals, there may result therefrom in 
time the stimulation of desire to improve humanity it- 
self and, too, practical knowledge on how to go about it. 

Volumes, nay libraries, have been devoted to these 
matters as regards domestic animals. Many associations 
Vv'orking harmoniously and profitably exist to improve the 
grade of strength, health, proportions, beauty and utility 
of animals useful to man. The matter of food, climate, 
mating, etc., are an everlasting matter of study, and peo- 
ple are largely measured according to their knowledge and 
results thereof in the appearance, care, blood and value 
of their beasts. There are three professions in life which 
either have done all they could do, or have done very little 



146 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

indeed in the line of improving humanity. If the preachers 
want to do good; if the doctors want to do good; if the 
teachers want to do good, let them study to learn and apply 
the one great religion, the one great cure, the one great 
matter of education — MANKIND. To know what it is, aa 
it is, how to make it and how to save it for this world, said 
to be its inheritance. That is THE thing. 

All other things are little systems and creeds and isms, 
but trifles; although all or so many things other than IT, 
have monopolized man's time and study. Clothes, money 
9,nd what not are something. The divine right of kings — 
the multifarious inventions in mechanics, the knowledge 
of geology, ocean currents and the heavenly luminaries are 
all something. The world wherein we are to live or not 
to live when dead to this world, all, yes, all, are something. 
Yet after all v/hat are all of them as a matter of profound 
study, the application of our best brains, as compared with 
the study of humanity, its perfection and happiness as a 
primary object, as the basic thing of society?. 

A woman perchance (generally a disagreeable accident), 
finds she is to become a mother. It generally causes a 
family racket to commence with. However, she will spend 
some time preparing clothes for its advent, often when she 
has been afraid or has not succeeded in getting rid of it. 
The clothes are a most important thing to her mind and 
all of this but a mere reflex of the condition of society; 
not of her heart. Under other conditions the first thing 
to engage her would be as to whether she and her consort 
were fit to beget children of a standard beneficial to hu- 
manity. Another important thing would be, not to have 
"accidents," but to want children, if fit to beget them. 
Then to so train themselves, to have the best, that within 
legal bonds they could beget. She looks to the doctor to 
pull her through. She cultivates an intim^ate knowledge of 
baby foods, paregoric, etc. She knows where to buy these 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 147 

and to see her offspring probably just a little worse equipped 
than herself for life and favor. If it is half finished, fam- 
ished for want of natural food and inherent stamina, dies 
in infancy or lives a blockhead — she has been taught that 
it's the "Lord's good will." It is swaddled in bandages, 
handled as a doll, then dressed to kill, and starts as a hot 
house plant on its miserable existence. Before it can speak 
plainly it is hustled off to school, and at from twelve to 
twenty years of age hustled out into the world equipped as 
poorly as can well be for the fight of life that commenced 
before it saw the light of day. 

The children of those who are well-to-do, (and who 
does not ape them, differing only in degree of ability), are 
dressed up anaemic puppets; little half alive clothes forms 
on parade. They but half live. Of that half life, one half 
of it is for their clothes and a splutter for position in what 
is called society. It would never do for them to splash 
around in the mud, roll in the sand or engage in rough and 
tumble scrambles to make breath, muscle and joy for the 
now, and fitness for a keen snappy and healthy manhood — 
why, they would "spoil their clothes" and make themselves 
common. They go decorously to Sunday school and get 
tickets. Tickets begetting bigger tickets. Bigger tickets 
bring illuminated cards, rewards of merit, standing in the 
community. I want to commend the old fashioned Sunday 
school — I learned to read in it. They are crowded at an 
early, tender age in musty, air-tight school rooms, breath- 
ing death. They are taught by teachers whose aim in life 
is to "marry well," but avoid child-bearing. Of chil- 
dren they have learned enough, to not want any of their 
own. The children are supposed to learn for usefulness in 
life while they are expected to grow in stature and strength 
at the same time, all or more than their fathers learned or 
now know, or ever were able to learn under any known sys>- 
tem. The fact that their fathers learned about the same 



148 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

as they are learning and have long since forgotten most 
of the same because not applicable to the uses of their 
after life, cuts no ice in the matter. The fact that under 
the conditions of society their parents suffer from all man- 
ner of physical disorders and have merely become pawns 
in the world's affairs for the captains of industry and re- 
ligion, all cut no figure. The education of the horse, for 
instance, commences with his grandsire and granddam. 
Anyhov/, it is not saying too much that it cuts a big figure 
in the desirability of the horse. 

The dam of the horse of value is treated and re- 
garded with gentle solicitude. S"he is bred and fe 1 for 
results. Her colt when foaled runs by her side and knows 
no nurse girl. He is not sent off to a kindergarten school 
to get rid of him, and his education is not seriously taken 
up until he has been physically built and in growth ma- 
tured. In short, if mankind is to gain its inheritance of the 
earth and be fit to maintain and enjoy it, we require a 
basic change in the brewed on the present conditions and 
of needs can learn a lot of how to go about it from the care, 
study and thought that has been given to the improvement 
of chickens, dogs, horses, cattle, sheep and hogs. If not, 
why not? 



A COMPARISON. 



I have seen a sheep-faced duffer carrying a license to 
preach in his clothes, a basket on nis arm, a shawl around 
his shoulders, travel the greatest state of this union over 
without cost to him, other than his habitual sanctimonious 
snivel, his grace at the table and holding family worship 
and occasionally preaching at a meeting house. An honest 
man out of work would meet with scant courtesy in stating 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 149 

his position, mayhap a chance to sleep in a barn, a hand-out 
at the back door, or a hand over to the police, where he 
travels over the country on "his face." At any rate per- 
sons would impertinently pry into his antecedents and hold 
in doubt, perhaps, trutns true as truth can be. If there is 
any other explanation of this than the superstition that 
clings around the cloth as an emissary of our needs in 
close communion with God, from and through whom we 
would receive benefit, we should not otherwise obtain, I 
do not know of it. 

A fellow mortal in hard luck, a mere layman, has no 
bouquets thrown at him. He is but common clay; but with 
the gentleman of the cloth it is different. There are per- 
sons who are working the religious graft, actually rotten 
at the core and of criminal instincts, yet such consummate 
actors, whose piety is so approved of by men, that the ques- 
tion of their real character never enters into question. 
They often become inveigled in tne auairs of a community 
so as to learn enough of its foolishly erring ones, that they 
are in a position to levy blackmail, and thus safely to 
themselves remain as leeches obtaining sustenance until 
they need no more, for this earth. 



THE "COMMON PEOPLE." 

HOW MANY HOURS LABOR? ETC. 

"How many hours should be spent in labor" is one 
of the questions of the day. Should the biblical stand- 
ard "eat your bread by the sweat of your brow" (which 
undoubtedly was intended as a rebuke to those who lived 
in luxury at the expense of the sweaters) ever prevail, we 
would all sweat a little, BUT NOT FOR MANY HOURS 
A DAY. 



150 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

The last few years has caused something to buzz in 
the heads of many who in the past had hoped that they, 
too, would become the employers of labor, and take the 
profit of the sweaters. These same people are now in doubt 
about their chances. Now that the "Captains" are in- 
vading all the fields of endeavor that hold out any prospects 
for catching the almighty dollar, it is coming home to 
nearly everybody, that, we us and company are the 
common people, and something more that the coming peo- 
ple are but few in number. Great public pageants, half 
holidays, parks, public libraries, "mum" shows. Hip, Hip! 
hurrahs, etc., on the Fourth of July, and a free turkey 
by the boss on Thanksgiving Day are mere diversions, as 
a handful of dust to a balky horse. All these things stand 
for nothing in bringing about the emancipation of those 
who drudge that others may be gay and happy, the whole 
year around. I have often felt possessed of all sorts of sar- 
casms on Labor Day, seeing the folly of it all. Yes, in the 
self-glorification, so much like a fellow dancing gleefully 
around in manacles, shaking hands with himself. Or the 
monkey kissing himself in the looking glass. 

I was in Pittsburg, Pa., on last Labor Day. It was 
while the great anthracite coal strike was at its height. 
I did not see a single expression significant of the rightful 
demands of man from his fellow man in all the banners 
and emblems of the vast procession. I saw but one thing 
— a vast tremendous outlay of money from which there 
could be no adequate return. I will venture to say, the 
outlay for the parades, all in all, and the loss of pay of 
that one days' labor, and too perhaps for one-half of an- 
other day's labor of those who were directly affected 
throughout the United States, would have furnished a sum 
of money that would have been equivalent to at least the 
purchasing amount necessary to buy half the anthracite 
collieries of Pennsylvania, and to have paid down one- 




GEN. THOMAS J. STEWART. 
Commander of G. A. R. 

General Thomas J. Stewart is a native of Ireland and is about fifty-five 
years old. He has been adjutant general of the Pennsylvania National 
Guard since 1895. Were he disposed to suggest that the government do some- 
thing for the Confederate veterans it would carry weight. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 151 

fourth in cash. I remember well on that day a talk I had 
with a man engaged in labor moves. He did most of the 
talking— I listened to the same old, never-ending platitudes 
and his defense of the parade and methods of organized la- 
bor as against my proposition — about all I had to say was: 
"Oh! s — t! Oh, hell! Oh, Rory O'Moore!" Some time 
labor will become smart and instead of expending these 
great amounts on vain glory, parading, lazing and 
carrousing, the equivolent will be used as the nucleus 
of a fund for the real and lasting benefit of organized 
labor, and creating a new and better life for the masses. 
I realize the labor must combine or the people and justice 
will never rule. But I also realize that no army can suc- 
cessfully fight without weapons, and no siege succeed 
without a full comiserat. 

With abundant means at hand labor should own in 
every state of the Union a body or several large bodies 
of land, in fee simple, sufficient that the product of it 
were ever ready to supply labor in any emergency. There 
is no strike winner like a full belly. Own the land on 
which to grow all you need for at least one year, and you 
can defy the Anaconda — the trusts. The hours of labor — 
well, should permit: Sometime for self improvement. 
Let them not be forced to grind their bones out from 
their arms for bread, but have some space to think and 
feel like moral, immortal creatures. 



'ONLY A PAUPER." 



Having spent many years of my life in a city where 
great wealth and poverty brush elbows in glaring contrast, 
I have often had my sympathy aroused at the indifference 
displayed toward the misery of the poor, by those wh/ 
especially have waxed fat from their labor. 



152 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

The colossal fortunes of those who control the iron, 
steel and coal business is due to the labor of the common 
herd. The common herd is most generally poor and com- 
mon from no other cause than the unfair distribution of 
the results of their own labor. To see a man after the 
labor of years, bent of body, wrinkled brow, serated feat- 
ures and stiff in his limbs, with caloused hands, lie down 
and die, with less comfort around him, that a dog or horse 
of the wealthy is to my view most deplorable and unjust, 
and reflects upon us, as a people which professes a Dem- 
ocracy and Christianity as its dominant feature of super- 
iority over less favored lands. Does our claim stand the 
light of day? Answer for yourselves. 

There is a volume in "Rattle his bones over the stones; 
He's only a pauper whom nobody owns," And to which one 
can well add Hood's lines, "Oh, God, that bread should be 
so dear. And flesh and blood so cheap." 



ANCESTRY AND POSTERITY. 

Burke is authority for: "People will not look forward 
to posterity who never look backward to their ancestry. 
I never gain much satisfaction or enthusiasm by taking a 
look back at my ancestry. 'Tis true, I never found that 
any were hung for committing rape, or placed in jail for 
hog stealing, but, it has not struck me as joyful and con- 
gratulatory in my estimate when I view the map of France 
to find that for the sake of what they called "their relig- 
ion," that they surrendered a principality of that fair land; 
became exiles to Holland; then settlers in the American 
colonies, where none of them ever cut a much greater 
figure than as servitors to the Dutch and their decendants. 
I remember when I was married, the minister who per- 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 153 

formed the ceremony suggested visiting us when in the 
town where we intended to establish a home. To this 
proposal I answered: "Certainly, glad to see you at any 
time as a friend and acquaintance, but not as a ecclesi- 
astic." With a little arch in his brow, and an inquisitorial 
look, he said: "Why, how is it that you who come from 
valiant Hugenot stock, who maintained the struggle at the 
loss of vast possessions, and who later and even now are 
prominent in the church (he meant ,his own, the Methodist 
church) speak thus? "I cannot reconcile your attitude to 
THE CHURCH with your ancestry. Aint you a religious 
man?" he continued. "Of course I am a religious man. 
My religion is not intolerance or blind idealism. My re- 
ligion is an heirloom, about all that was left us, and even 
at your own estimate of its immensity, their big lot of 
religion spreads out well enough to this day to satisfy me." 
I will conclude, talk about ancestry, oh pshaw: The mill 
will never grind with the water that's passed. I elsewhere 
tell I was shifted onto the world when a paralytic with 
small children, and exiled away from w,here, in health, 
I would have successfully fought for my patrimony, and 
would have studied lots of ancestry business. Is it any 
wonder that sometimes, some people think of Tom Payne, 
whose religion was the "world is my country, to do good 
is my religion," as against the pride of ancestry and a 
subscription to narrow creeds which too often encourage 
greed and self worship? 



SOCIALISM. 

Socialism is gaining ground. It has taken many years 
for the average citizen to surrender his prejudices, and 
honestly admit that Socialism is not anarchism. That 



154 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

anarchism belongs to the consciousless rich, of whom 
there are unfortunately many, and tlie most ignorant and 
often vicious of the poor. 

Socialism is the outcome of a feeling of brotherhood. 
To understand it you are required to use your "best 
brains" and prompting of the heart. Socialism is never 
seen in a drove of hogs, no difference how plentiful is 
their supply of food. The honest promptings of childhood 
aften give us the best examples of that which is the 
foundation of Socialism. Watch "decent" children at play; 
or the boys and girls of the poor at an outing day on the 
water or among the trees in the country, and you'll en- 
dorse the spirit of the thing — called Socialism. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 157 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

I just wish you could hear the little yodle I sang, and 
the afterpiece I whistled before I started to write this. To 
commence with I am just now wrestling with a sore throat 
(yesterday was election day) and the rheumatism in my 
legs, and it's drizzling more rheumatism outside. 

Yet, after all, "Life as I've found it." Well! Well! 
Not so bad, my boy. Maybe I can tell you better to-mor- 
row. Really we live from day to day. Some say we never 
live until we die. That I consider a durn lie, son. How- 
ever, I know lots of people who have been "saved" — real 
genuine saved, and a whole church full of people said so. 
Yet after all, they're saved but from minute to minute. 
So then we live from minute to minute. What we think 
of it all is 'another horse." To some of us life is a con- 
tinuous show; others more or less of a show; still others, 
no show at all. 

I can say that I have managed to get a good deal of 
pleasure out of life, despite all the efforts of some others, 
who are supposed to hog everything in sight be it substance 
or shadow. I am going to be real truthful. I had to be 
kicked, tramped on, chawed up, spit out and tramped on 
again, again and again, before I really began to get my 
greatest pleasure out of life, and so the man or woman who 
says they have nothing but trouble in life and none of its 
joys, I am lead to believe, may not yet have had quite 
enough trouble as yet to have reached the turning point. 

A few years ago I published a little magazine called 



158 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

"Man and the Deaf." I tried in it to jolly humanity a little. 
I will quote one of the many notices I received at the hands 
of the press. 

"Man and the Deaf" continues to labor in the cause of 
humanity in general and the deaf in particular. Editor 
Charles M. Depew thinks the world is better off with "a 
little nonsense, horse-sense and humanity." The observa- 
tion is trite and true, and we trust that Chauncey M. De- 
pew will not appropriate it to himself. He is not the same 
Depew.— The Courier, Connellsville, Pa., Nov. 29th, 1900. 

I acknowledged the notice something like this: Now, 
friend Snyder, do not rub the bloom off that "Peach" 
Cousin, Chauncey M. It kind of hurts family feelings to 
see him exposed, or aspersions slung at him. It was the 
same in the Noah family just after it landed. 

And then that Chauncey M. should not catch the point 
of a joke! Why, he is as handy at it almost as capturing 
a dollar. He came by that naturally, taking after old Ike, 
his father. My father (by the way Moses by name) used 
to tell of teaching a school in a Dutch settlement back 
in York State about the obtuseness of some of his scholars. 
One of them, an overgrown hulk of a fellow, he was trying 
to teach the alphabet from the lesson card on the wall. 
The young man gazed long and hard at the letter A, and 
finally exclaimed: "Great Caesar, teacher, is that really a 
A?" It is impossible for us to view the world all from 
the same standpoint, or define any course of life for any- 
one to follow in detail to produce the greatest individual 
happiness. I remember when I was about eight years old, 
I was selected to deliver a little Christmas present to the 
teacher of our school, and, of course, to make an appro- 
priate speech. It was embarrassing to me, especially, 
as I was one of the small children, some being near man- 
hood. However, I struggled through. That speech always 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 159 

has made me stuck on myself. So when one of our boys 
was to deliver a Christmas gift to his boss, I fixed him 
up, or thought I had, with a speech to go with it. 

He seemed slow to catch on. I told him every word 
was a bud of wisdom, and the whole of it a bouquet of elo- 
quence. To this he replied, "popie, how much do you 
want for one little buddie?" To this I answered, "My son, 
these buddies are free, but darned if they grow and bloom 
transplanted in poor soil. So what is the use of my trying 
to lay bare my life, and to expect others to get fun out 
of my laying out the skeleton plan, unless they are willing 
to accept and fill out the play to suit the opportunities 
presented to them. I have said elsewhere that I grew fat 
on trouble. Now then, does that mean that I want you 
to grow fat on trouble? I, too, have said, that some people 
who are not willing to grow fat on trouble, may get 
mighty thin hunting too long for something else. 

There was another Depew who said tO' me several 
years ago, just after he had listened to one of my after- 
dinner bucket speeches: 

"Look here, Charles; you're deaf as a rock; you can 
scarcely hear, you are crippled and often, between that and 
the rheumatic gout, you can scarcely walk. 

"You are busted financially and still you laugh, God — 
gee whir, whir." 

I said, old man, look-a-here: "You are not deaf, if you 
were you'd have no job. And under any and all circum- 
stances it makes me happy that you are not deaf. You are 
not crippled, if you were at all, you'd be in a bad way. 
You'll never bust financially while they — family — has a 
dollar, and still yo\j don't laugh, except as a sort of a 
stage performance, God help you." He allowed that he 
was but joking. But I could not hear. When written, my 
eyes were so suffused by tears, to think any one of our 
family was in such an awful box, that I could not read. 



160 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

But at last when he fairly bellowed that he was the jester 
of the family, I says, "Old man, you be, if you recognize 
a little bud die of a joke when face to face," and before 
he got apoplexy (our family get apoplexy) I pulled from 
my waistcoat pocket what the women carry in their "ridicu- 
lous" with salts and the etceteras, one of them 'ere little 
glasses, so useful to look for Pittsburg soot, freckles and 
the like, and poked it up to his benign mug and said there 
then, j'-ou see the joke of the 19th Century — "School is dis- 
missed," as the whistle blows for Deaf Depew. 

Sometimes it is hard to laugh, but I assure you there 
is no better medicine. When I was in bed suffering from 
the effects of paralysis, to my other misfortunes was added 
blindness, and my mouth distorted so speech was difficult 
and indistinct. A woman called. My condition especially 
appealed to her to get in her word. She was concerned 
about my soul. She told me that I looked like her son John 
just before he died. I asked her whether he "had been 
saved?" To this she replied: "To be sure." To this I an- 
swered: "My good woman, you can go home now feeling 
happy; I guess then, I know now, — that I'm all right." 
What else could I have answered her? The nature of the 
"brute" often comes out when he is most miserable. I 
owed that woman much. I began to pick up some from 
that time on; there was still fun in life. I remember one 
time in one of the great southern cities making the ac- 
quaintance of a man, a native of California, who was 
stranded in the town. He had managed to send his wife 
and child back to the old home, and was looking for the 
letter that "never came," with funds to take him there 
as well. I suggested that he should fake Christmas week 
selling goods an Canal street. To this scheme he replied, 
"I'd sooner die." 

I told him were it not for my deafness, I would sell 
myself, and get both money and fun out of the venture. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 161 

I became somewhat sarcastic, and felt I had hurt his feel- 
ings. This made me feel sad and by somewhat redoubling 
my energy in helping to get out a Christmas paper, I had 
a little more money than I needed and felt happy when 
I found him on Christmas day to share good cheer with 
me. This was another case of the difference of view of 
life of people. He considered it beneath his dignity to sell 
goods on the street. I never thought of that point only the 
fun and money. I have lived on the fat of the land and 
lean of it. 

I remember one time having my arm in a sling 
from a wound. I was engaged taking care of a bunch of 
sheep on the plains. There were perhaps one thousand 
ewes. They were Mexican crossed to Merino bucks. Their 
principal value was in anticipating their progeny. They 
were a sad lot, scabby, wild; one of the previous owners 
having died from exposure and the other taken to an in- 
sane asylum. They had run almost wild for some time and 
their number had been decreased from the ravages' of the 
wolves which were plentiful in the locality. I considered 
myself fortunate in being able to live under a roof. I was 
a boarder in the house of a former Piny Woods Cracker. 
The situation was such that I was compelled, .however, to 
spend most of the night outside keeping up fires and lights 
around the miserable corral to keep away the wolves. 

The sheep were dropping their wool,^ and when lambing 
time came so often discarded their young that I was in a 
fever of trouble. To add to this the grub was bad. Bacon 
so tainted that you could best try to eat it with a clothes- 
pin on your nose. Cornbread baked with alkali water, and 
the coffee was slops. The only garnishment outside of 
a little mustard greens was the grace the fellow said. 
God, we thank thee for this bountiful repast, and that we 
"may ever have the same." I changed my place by and by at 
the table, observing strategy, as I was but half a man with 



162 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

one arm in a sling. One morning I amended the grace by, 
"Yes, Oh Lord! I pray thee that we never may have the 
same and ask thee, Oh Lord, to bring the sinner who is 
master of this house, to learn if the grub is not changed 
within twenty-four hours, there will be hell let loose." 
The grub changed. There were light cakes, baked by a 
woman, a Yankee ham with a yellow kiver, molasses and 
real cow butter. 

Talk about happiness; next to one's own happiness is 
the happiness of others. Sometimes the greatest happi- 
ness that confronts one (one's own happiness in reality) 
is the happiness of others. I remei^iber a boy once eating 
his first honey. How he ate and asked for "more poppie." 
After he had licked everj^thing, he actually licked the lick. 
Now, on the other hand, I remember a fellow named De- 
pew (Deaf Depew) when quite small; he too. ate honey. 
I feel it yet; He wretched eighteen times during the night, 
and fared worse than on a trip acre ss the Atlantic, as he 
nearly died. Yes, it is often better to make other people 
happy than it is to try to be happy the same way yourself. 

I will conclude by saying, taking it all in all, my life 
has been as much an oasis in the desert, as a desert in an 
oasis. I'm willing to continue to try it on until the world 
has worn out its axis and loses itself in endless space. 



IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE WHEN ONE'S ON THE SEAT 




Porto Rico: "Hadn't you better whip behind, uncle?" 

— Minneaooiis Journal. 



-Page 1()3. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 163 



MAKES A DIFFERENCE WHEN ONE'S ON THE SEAT. 

This country must treat Cuba as well or better than 
it does our ov/n possession or the common people will show 
their wrath by denouncing the faithless servants of the 
nation by defeat at the polls. The man who ill-treats a 
ward of the court over whom he is guardian, is not to be 
trusted by his own children. Let Cuba be thus treated, 
and "you will hear from us." 



164 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

THE GARDEN IN TOWN. 

Most any one who has ordinary gumption can have 
a lot of fun, good healthy exercise and add not a little to 
the wholesomeness of home-cooking by cultivating a small 
piece of ground, that is, twenty-five by sixty feet, about 
the average remaining ground not occupied by buildings 
in the ordinary town lot. Of course, in many places, vil- 
large lots are very much larger, so much the better. 

The first essential is to have no chickens running 
around, either of your own or neighbors. A garden and 
chickens don't agree; they can't dwell together in har- 
mony. The first move is to provide for proper surface 
drainage. How to do this and other essential advice 
about what to plant and when to plant, and other pointers 
you can obtain from anyone in the neighborhood who has 
had success in the garden. 

You should get at enough manure to cover it all, at 
least six inches in depth. It. is preferable to get horse 
manure, but that of cattle will do very well. Thoroughly 
spade it under. Let it lay lumpy, except keeping down the 
weeds, until when you are ready to plant break up the 
lumps with the back of the hoe or forked spade. Hoe 
and rake off the lumps. 

The changes of the moon and like, is all superstition. 
The main point is good seed and favorable weather. There 
is nothing gained from very early planting. Frost or 
chilly weather offsets the little temporary advantage of 
very early planting. It is foolish to plant cucumbers, 
squashes and the like in a large city, as they will not pro- 
duce, unless where bumble bees and honey bees are plen- 
tiful enough to fertilize the blossoms. You can grow 
along sixty feet of fence line enough of Lima beans to last 
a family several months. They will continue to bear until 
frost time. The way to do it is to put up a frame, hori- 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 165 

zontal strips, fastened by uprights to fence. Plant your 
beans at least two feet from the fence, and when well 
started, six inches or more high, thin out to about ten 
inches apart. You will have to use twine for them to 
run on to the top of frame. See that the ground is moist 
at least twice a week, as the ground is sure to be dryer 
close to the fence than in more open space. 

You can have a succession of stuff in the same ground. 
I will instance my own experience a little of this past 
season. 

I planted a small strip in early radishes. As soon as 
these were well up, I transplanted lettuce from the lettuce 
bed, between the rows of radishes, for head lettuce. After 
the lettuce was well rooted, I planted beets from 
the beet-seed bed, to occupy the space where had been 
the radishes. By and by the lettuce was all pulled up, 
eaten and given away, and in its place I planted wax- 
beans. The radishes were tolerable; my ground is not 
sandy enough to grow them of the best. Of lettuce I 
had the finest you ever saw — heads like cabbage. The 
beets done well; they were a quick maturing summer va- 
riety. The beans produced until frost time. It is but tell- 
ing the truth when I say we not alone had all the lettuce 
we could possibly eat, but we gave away bushels of it to 
our friends. In addition to the ordinary garden vegetables 
we had on our little place of ground a wealth of old-fash- 
ioned flowers. About the back porch morning glories, 
that spread up onto the roof and along the stay rod to the 
top of a neighbor's chimney. Along the side of an out- 
side kitchen, "Mexican vine" ran up to the roof and all 
over the top of a dead tree adjoining, making a very 
pleasant appearance as well as shade. I had a few castor 
oil beans given to me, and planted them in a specially pre- 
pared mound. They grew to be fully ten feet in height. 



166 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

I will add, however, that a portion of my life has been 
spent as a gardener and fruit culturist, and some of the 
success I attain of course is due to experience. 

As to the financial part. We had to buy the grosser 
necessities, cabbage, corn, tomatoes and potatoes, of 
course. But we had lima beans of our own before they 
were to be obtained in the grocery stores of our cities, and 
had them when they sold at 50 cents for the full of a 
strawberry box. When I say we had them, I mean we had 
all we could eat of them. Besides I noticed at times they 
come into the city market sprouted and unfit to eat. I 
had lettuce, to which there was none to compare for ex- 
cellence in the stores. The profit was more than equiv- 
alent for the labor expended. 



A "REFORMED JE¥/." 



A Jew came into my ofiice when I was engaged in 
trying to close a difiicult deal. He was peddling lead 
pencils. He stood doggedly and compelled me to get up. 
I bought some of his wares, and rather roughly told him 
to not bother me again when busy, and that if he should, 
I'd push him down the elevator shaft. 

A week later he came again. I told him, "Didn't I tell 
you that if you bothered me again when busy, I'd push 
you down the elevator shaft?" He said, "No. That was 
another Jew, a low-down Jew. I know him." Amused at 
his repartee, I said: "Well, if that is the truth, what the 
devil are you?" "I, sir am a new Jew, a reformed Jew, 
a liberal Jew." That fellow was a regular Jewsharp. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 167 

THE RETRIBUTION. 

There is such a thing as retribution. The "book" says 
so. So does an injured woman. That settles it. If it does 
not, I shall. 

Late in 1877 while on the frontier, I could hear like an 
Indian, and as for the whites, they were not "in it" with 
me, at all. Later on I was wounded. Through neglect and 
exposure, contracted blood poisoning. To save my life 
needed surgical aid. Traveled fifty miles to find doctor and 
v/alked twenty-five of the fifty suffering excruciating pain 
and fatigue. 

I was so "done up" that it escaped my observation that 
Doctor McDonald, — a stranger to me — was very deaf. I 
admonished him to have care that he did not inadvertently 
sever muscles while cutting into me. Of course his in- 
firmity caused me to receive no reply. I struck the doctor 
in a frenzy. Yes, I STRUCK A DEAF MAN! But he was 
a soldier, a credit as well to the medical profession, so he 
did not return the blow, but kept on cutting and he knew 
his business. Result, I did not die of blood poisoning, but 
shortly afterward I BECAME DEAF SUDDENLY, and to 
this day have been so deaf as to prevent me hearing a 
clock tick. Now, neither the doctors or anybody to date 
has fathomed the cause of my deafness. You all know 
now. Don't strike a deaf man; do him no dirty trick of 
any sort, it is dangerous. 



168 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 






NOTE.— This is a portion of a letter sent to me by the writer when' I in- 
augurated the publication "Man and the Deaf," containing matter similar 
to what is in this book in advocacy of physicial training in the schools, the 
examination of the eyes and ears of school children and curtailing the 
studies (see cartoon) of j^oung children. 




-*j bo 
^ a; 



a; S w 

■2.1 






LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 169 



ELLA WHEELER WILCOX. 

The annexed poem was written for me by Mrs. Wilcox. 
This talented lady expends her time in endeavoring to benefit 
the condition of the plain people, than which there is no 
nobler cause: 

The Depths. 

I hear the sorrow of complaining seas 
I watch the pent up tears of rain clouds fall 
And list the sad winds story; while the bold 
Rebellious peal of thunder, tells the strife 
That stirs at times the troubled soul of space. 
But in the still white anguish of the moon, 
Forever conscious of a lost delight, 
Behold the keen refinement of all woe. 
Oh! there is balm in tears, relief in sound, 
And through the wail of grief its solace comes. 
Not in the sorrow that can cry aloud, 
And ease its passion, lies Gethsemane; 
But in the awful silence of a love. 
That dares not speak, or voice its own despair. 




170 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

BREAD CAST UPON THE WATERS. 

When I was one of several loafers, I'll call us loafers, 
although most of them met in the inspector's office to engage 
in a sort of a mutual religious tickle services, I often was 
set on by some of the main buzzers, because I made no 
professions in common with them on their tickle. 

One day they went for me heftily, because I would not 
agree with them, that the use of tobacco was in direct con- 
flict with Christ's commands. When all had tired of me 
except an Englishman who traveled all the way from Christ 
to Jeremiah, and caused me to say when he was reading 
from Jeremiah "Oh Lord, why didn't you say something 
about tobacco," and then gave them a good tongue trounc- 
ing for belittling the really admirable things of the Book, 
and they were wroth. Things had quieted down when in 
came a fellow selling the "War Cry." As to a man they 
bought each a copy in order to either compel me to also 
purchase one, or to make an opening for a further raking 
of me in case of my refusal. The salesman looked real 
alecky-like, and owing to my deafness, they, I think, too, 
expected him to give me a good send off on the road to 
hell without thought of which they could not be really 
happy. So I determined to not buy. When the vendor 
came my way I said: "Look here, my man, would you take 
a man's last nickle for j^our paper and feel no prick of 
conscience?" He hesitated a bit and said then with em- 
phasis: "I would for the good that's in it t"o my buyer," 
and then besides that it tended to material luck, which he 
would illustrate by a little story. 

"One day," he continued, "I was on me rounds selling 
me poiper, and Oi met a woman with hur little lass 'oo wus 
a reglar boyer of me paiper and she of coorse wanted ut. 
Jest as she ad paid me, a sudden-like gust of rain come 
up, and them was going on an errand from 'ome an no um- 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 171 

brel, with me 'aving their last nickle. Them lived near the 
barrux and Oi hoffered to take the wee lass 'ome under 
me umbrel, but would no leave her mum. So outs Oi with 
a dime, and them could take the cars together." 

I said, "that's all right, you may have my last nickle; 
here take it, give me your dime, take back your paper and 
give 'um to the leddy with my compliments." This was 
one of the sort of fellows who had the religious graft of 
bread upon the waters down fine, on the peanut scale, at 
any rate. 



THAT GREATEST BABY. 



■If you've never been a dad. Father above, how short 
you are on the completeness of your manhood. If you have 
never been dry nurse and willing slave to "that greatest 
baby," you have a lot to learn. 

You have missed fun; gobs of fun. 

You have slept like a male porker while the band 
should have played for you, and while the circus was loose 
and free tickets to spare. 

You're short on songs, marchings, counter-marchings, 
apothecary shop business, cooking, coaxing, damning and 
repenting. 

The fellow who has not been father to "that greatest 
baby," who has never held, ".high, low, jack and the game," 
is, well — get there, and you'll know. But meanwhile I'll 
let J. M. L. loose. 

There are other joys, may be, but brand new pink- 
eared baby, be it boy or little lady, it's a peach! They 
are so plum full of giggle; full of twistiness and wiggle; 
and are so inclined to wriggle out of reach. 

And so full of little fancies; full of Elfland necroman- 
cies, and they wear such funny panties. Ain't they great? 



172 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

They're so gigglesome and smiling; their pink fists are 
BO beguiling; and their squall is also riling — we should 
state. 

Such a funny little sucker when a pin has somehow 
stuck her, and with features all a-pucker how she squeals! 
And their fists are so mischievous, that the whiskers that 
they leave us are so ragged as to grieve us; grief that's 
real! 

But it's yours and you're so happy, that when'er 
the kid gets scrappy, you describe its fists as "snappy" 
and are glad; and you fidget much and fumble lest the kid 
should get a tumble. It's so toothless, bald and humble — 
like its dad." 



THE MEANEST MAN. 



Mean in our American sense of understanding the 
term as applied to men, needs no definition from the dic- 
tionary. The dictionaries by the way scarcely do full 
justice to him. 

However, the "meanest man in a neighborhood," is 
much like a mean dog, — you know, "give a dob a bad 
name, etc." The meanest man is so illy handled that he 
has to be mean often in self defense. 

A man bought a small farm in a neighborhood, and 
shortly thereafter learned that one of the farm owners 
adjoining him was the "meanest man in the neighbor- 
hood," and that he would acknowledge it as soon as 
he came in contact with him on any matter of business. 
That everybody had trouble with him. 

He thanked his informant and lodged it in his mem- 
ory for future needs. The fence dividing the two prop- 
erties was badly dilapidated. The newcomer was willing 
to build a new one at his own expense, but anxious to have 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 173 

assistance in speedily fixing the right location of the 
division line, and he went to Mr. McC. and stated the 
matter and said: "You know where the line is, or ought 
to be, better than anybody, please let me know?" 

To this he answered, "Oh, build it anywhere, so it 
is over on me enough." 

He finally insisted on paying for the survey, running 
the line himself, and on paying half the cost of a new 
fence, and they never had any difiiculty at any time. 



HE WAS BEAT OUT OF A CENT. 

A friend wanted me to view his land. He said I would 
have to go to a certain fellow named Jensen, to have ,him 
point it out to me, and that he was about as mean a cuss 
as you could find anywhere. I called. The Jensens were 
picking peas in the field hard by the house, and it was near 
dinner time. I told him a story of a dirty trick that had 
been played on me, and it formed the opening for his 
telling me how the United Sta^tes government had buncoed 
him out of a cent on a letter, and asked of me how he 
could recover it. 

I told him I would have to see the letter. We went to 
the house and he had to have his wife come to help find 
the letter. I worked around with the greatest delibera- 
tion and finally managed to get the woman to get me 
something to eat amid the groans and sighs of Jensen, 
which he attributed entirely to the government's squeeze 
of a cent from him. The letter was overweight and one 
cent was due on it. It bore printed on the corner of the 
envelope "Gold Bonds." — fake advertisement. Of course 
he had to have them bonds enclosed. 

"Where vas them bonds? WTio sthole my cent? If not 
the government, who?" 



174 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

A FEW GROANS AND ALL IS OVER. 

People sometimes grow into meanness, reversing the 
earlier portions of their lives. An acquaintance of mine 
with his family seemed to enjoy the world's good 
things thoroughly up to the time his wife died. By that 
time he had grown old. He had an unmarried son almost 
passing middle age. I hunted them up, not having seen 
anything of them for several years. I found while they 
did not live in actual squallor, that poverty appeared to 
hold them for its very own. The next Sunday I called to 
see them with one of my boys and carried with me some 
such food as is easily prepared, and as they were batching 
would cover any scruples they might have that I in- 
tended charity. 

Before the noon hour, by putting this and that to- 
gether, I found that they possessed unencumbered realty 
and had several thousand dollars banked. In fact that they 
could almost live without any work at all. I noticed the old 
man make only a faint at the butter on the table, etc. He 
told me that he had quit the use of tobacco on account of 
his health and he had several stories to tell of how people 
eat themselves to death, etc. It was after the noon meal 
that I noticed several trees close to the house under 
which were nice-looking red Astricans. I thought I'd have 
some for little Hank whom we had left at home, so asked 
my boy to gather up a small basket. Directly our old 
friend said he would gather them, developing as he did 
so a sad attack of rheumatics, that brought few apples, 
and those worm eaten. The rain, which right along had 
threatened, now suddenly came on, and the old man audibly 
thanked God (so did I), and broke for shelter, and I for 
the basket. The next thunder bolt emptied his wormy 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 175 

apples from the basket, and I managed to fill it amid the 
groans and moans of the old man, encored by thunder and 
lightning, while I said to him: 

"Old man, this life is, indeed, sad, but a few more 
groans and all is over." 



IT WAS NICE TO BE DEAF. 

There are other more satisfying possessions than that 
of deafness, yet it was nice to be deaf. 

There was a man whom my dad thoroughly hated- 
little Mister Major Billy A—. As a dutiful son, his hate 
was shared by me. One day old Captain Abraham W— , 
slightly under the influence of liquor, more obstinate and 
pugnacious than he was wont when normal, and myself oc- 
cupied a seat in a passenger coach jointly. Immediately 
back of us sat little Major Billy A—. Old Captain W — be- 
gan by "Damn little A—." I said, "Captain, do not rob God 
of his gireatest pleasure; besides, such talk might come to 
the little major's ears." Then he added, with a roar: "I 
wish to God the little nincompoop were here; I'd read him 
his doxology, etc." The people of the car who knew us 
all were in a roar.. Ail I had to do was to follow the 
divine injunction of forgiveness of your enemies to draw 
old W— out, and it was a grand time and so nice to be 
deaf. Had I not been so deaf little Mister Major Billy A— 
would never have known how I loved him. I see him yet, 
crawling into his shell as much as his tough hide permitted 
him to, and finally vamoosing to the smoker. 



LET US STUDY LITTLE DENMARK. 

SOME KEVELATIONS. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 179 



LET US STUDY LITTLE DENMARK. 

"Life as I've Found It." — was not conceived and writ- 
ten in the spirit of "Joe Miller's Joke Book." While I 
don't mind telling a story, although I'd rather hear one, 
once in a while, I am truly concerned about the future of 
the country in which we live, and the material welfare 
of its young people, who will prosper or fail to prosper 
in proportion as we leave the condition of the country on 
their hands. 

The Reverend Peter Dean, a minister of the town of 
Longborough, England, lately spent some time studying 
the Kingdom of Denmark, her institutions, its people and 
their condition. 

On his return home he addressed his congregation, 
telling them what he had learned and know about the ma- 
terial welfare of the Danish people. 

The following remarks were a part of the discourse: 

"The people are devoting themselves to making the 
little they have the best possible. Nearly all the railways 
are now owned by the state. The whole of the land is 
mapped out in farms — chiefly small ones — which are owned 
by the farmers of them, about five-sixths of the land being 
owned by small freeholders and peasantry, and the laws 
are now such that there cannot be large landowners, as in 
England, or too much subdivision of the land, as is the 
evil in France. In Denmark big farms cannot be made to 
pay so well as little ones. So, wherever you go you see 
little farms well cultivated. And this makes the country 



180 LIFE AS rVE FOUND IT. 

a pretty country. It is comparatively flat — no mountains 
and few hills — here and there lakes, the sea dividing it into 
three or four islands, but the well kept white farmhouses, 
surrounded by plenty of trees, and almost every acre of 
the land cultivated, make it a beautiful country to see. 
And these Danish farmers, unlike many of our English 
farers, can make farming pay, and pay well. They are 
intelligent men. They study farming at the agricultural 
colleges, they co-operate with each other — every parish 
his its co-operative dairy, dealing with the milk from all 
the farms for six or seven miles around, carts being con- 
tinuously employed going from farm to farm to gather 
milk — and so they have built up the great Danish butter 
industry, which has grown to such magnificence during the 
last 30 or 40 years. 

"I landed and departed at and from the port of Esb- 
jerg, the port nearest to England; 30 years ago E sbjerg 
was not to be found on any map of Denmark. Where it 
now stands there was only a barren, heathery slope. Now 
there is a town and 13,000 in habitants, with good streets 
and fine buildings, and several ships departing from or 
coming to it every day. And Esbjerg has thus been made 
by the enterprise of the Danish farmers. Twenty-five years 
ago there were only 1,000,000 pounds of butter yearly be- 
ing shipped from Esbjerg, now there are 20,000.000 pounds 
a year being shipped. The exports of pork in the same 
time have risen from half a million to 160,000,000 pounds, 
of fish from 750 pounds to 3,000,000 pounds, and of eggs 
from 4,000,000 to 20,000,000. Nearly all this trade is with 
England. You see the Danes have not needed to conquer 
England to get trade with England. They have made and 
offered good and cheap butter and other farm produce, and 
not troubled their heads with delusions like 'trade following 
the flag.' 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 181 

"In England we are troubled with the way in which 
the workers are leaving the country places and flocking 
into the towns. In Denmark they have such a good state 
of things in the country places that of recent years there 
has been a reverse current from the towns to the country. 
Notwithstanding Germany took away part of Denmark 
some years ago, she has now more inhabitants than ever 
before, and as regards wealth per head Denmark is only 
second to Great Britain — and the people are better off be- 
cause there the wealth is not in a few hands as it is with 
us. Within the past few years she has reclaimed some 
2,000 square miles of previously waste land, which had 
been regarded as almost valueless. Not only as regards 
their milk, but as regards many other things, the farmers 
co-operate together. They do so for the sale and export 
of their produce, and the purchase of the things they need. 
They have about 400 banks in the country chiefly under 
their own management. They have cattle breeding socie- 
ties about the country; they have free lectures and evening 
lessons for the working classes, committees for promiting 
popular amusements, cheap concerts, and cheap literature, 
and also offices for free legal advice. In almost every vil- 
lage there is a public hall for popular recreation and social 
gatherings, and almost every little town in Denmark has its 
ov/n little daily newspaper. 

"But I think it is in the matter of education that the 
people of Denmark largely outstrip us. Speaking myself 
as one who formerly for 12 years was a member of the 
school board, I must say that I think there is much we may 
learn from them as to elementary education. Wlrlle 5.3 
to higher education we are wofully behind them. I spent a 
morning in being taken with a party through the Girls' 
High School, of Copenhagen. In that school there are 
about 1,000 girls and young women and 150 teachers, and 
as we were taken from room to room to see the classes at 



182 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

work I was astonished and amazed. Botany, electricity, 
physiology and anatomy, French, German, English, cookery, 
history, gymnastics, religion — almost all sorts of subjects 
were taught. The consequence is the girls of that school 
are sent away not only knowing general subjects, but able 
to converse in four languages — Danish, French, German 
and English. And even in the common board schools lan- 
guages are being taught. Nor are they neglecting the more 
immediate things. Their cookery centers are in advance 
of ours; every board school has not only a gymnasium, but 
shower and feet baths, and once a fortnight every scholar 
has to have these baths, while their technical schools were 
famous even before we began to have such in this country 
at all. I see in all this education the secret of the supe- 
riority of the Danes . Lord Bacon said, 'Knowledge is 
power.' The Danes are a powerful people because they 
are an educated people." 

The preacher who is capable of, and who does, thor- 
oughly investigate the material affairs of men, then ex- 
presses himself in such plain English, as has Mr. Dean, in 
the above, is doing good work, and it is acceptable on high. 
If not, why not? Echo answers: "Why not?" What do 
you say? 



GEAVE AND OTHERWISE. 




PATERNAL CARE FOR USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. 



"Bat then they are the roots!" Never mind, with a good head of cab- 
bage darn the roots ; English is THE THING. 



LIFE A3 I'VE FOUND IT. 18K 



SMART AND BRAINS. 

What is the difference between smart and brains? 01; 
course the line of demarkation is established by no iixed 
rules and never can be. The every-day use of the expres- 
sion, "He has brains," is perhaps inelegant and vulgar. 
In a way it is incorrect and decidedly uncharitable, as 
everybody has brains, more or less. I'm not writing with a 
dictionary before or behind me, that I know of, unless it is 
a good ways behind preferably before I should let it inter- 
fere with what I want to say. So look up the dictionary 
part yourself, if you want to. 

iEvery fellow knows more or less what he means when 
he says, "Now, that's brains," or "This is smart." But let 
me pretty nearly define brains and smart — a good sampl5 
of eich, and in the same fellow at that. To commence 
with I can pretty safely say this man had never been seri- 
ously accused of much smartness, and I'm morally sure 
no one to date had accused him of having "brains." Yet 
he had both (and for this let us ever pray). I had known 
him in a casual way, but of late had lost sight of him alto- 
gether. One day I was walking along a thoroughfare of a 
considerable town, in the portion where many people find it 
most convenient to go to the postoffice, where crowds lag 
a bit and the newsboys profitably ply their business. This 
man hailed me. He had erected a shelter between two 
buildings and was selling lemonade and the like and told 
me in the winter time he would sell wieners and hot chest- 
nuts. He explained to me at length his occupation. He 
then pointed out his glasses. "Do you see tnose litle glasses 



186 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

there? Tliej^ are but a cent. They are for the newsboys. 
Those big glasses, old man, are a nickel, they are for fel- 
lows like you. Then with his finger, along the side of his 
nose, he exclaimed, "Yes, Depew, that is smart." Then 
with his finger tapping his forehead, he exclaimed, "But a 
five year lease on this hole in the wall, before God and us, 
id brains." 

He told the truth. In less than three years he sold his 
lease for $5,000, as the space was needed in order to build 
a new block in place of the antiqiiaied houses where he was 
located. Ther is indeed a difference, same as between fact 
and truth. 



WHAT DID THE LETTER SAY? 

I often wondered what the letter said that started off 
with "Dear Papa." There was a man in our town who was 
not alone reputed wealthy, but in truth he was wealthy. 
His was largely the sort of wealth that is the creation of 
everybody else's labor. Lands he had inherited and held 
onto. The improvements around about him continually in- 
creased its value. Being a large employer of labor in a 
manufacturing business, his votes (the votes he controlled) 
kept down the assessed value of his property, by favor of 
the political bosses. He would neither sell nor improve his 
land. Nor would he join in improvements of tjtie streets, 
which without his aid could not be had. He drove an old 
dilapidated rig and the horse was almost as ancient. His 
clothes cost little money and he never took pleasure trips. 
He was a close old screw and the world would have lost 
little had he died at an early date. 

The first time I met this man, I intended to procure 
•^.ome information about a concern in which he was a prom- 
inent stockholder. By the way of an introduction I handed 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 187 

him a weekly paper of which I then was the publisher. His 
eye caught a cut on the front page of a historical old house 
in his part of the city. He jumped up with quite some 
animation to show it to the bookkeeper. It seemed that 
he had played about the neighborhood when a boy. His 
temporary absence from the desk caused me to hastily view 
office, personnel, and then the desk, where I was awaiting 
his pleasure to return. On it there was a pile of letters, 
only one of which was opened. All that I could see of it 
(it was written in feminine hand) started off, "Dear Papa." 
I would have given two bits to have known the rest of the 
letter, and to have known the real reason why this man 
so full of miserly selfishness and anxious of his interests 
and possibilities of gain, opened this letter first. 

Did she really love dear papa? Had this austere, 
miserly man a soft spot which might be used to the world's 
benefit? Or was it a dun, smoothed in honey, for expenses, 
a disagreeable thing to get out of the road before engaging 
m more congenial work of the day? The fact that some 
of the juice of youth still remained to interest him, as in 
the picture of the ancient vine-covered cottage of his boy- 
hood, led me to believe that the old curmudgeon possibly 
had some unrecognized good in him worthy of further in- 
vestigation. 

I turned off my visit with a little pleasantry and left, 
keeping my real business for another time. What does the 
letter contain that starts off "Dear Papa," "Dear Wife," 
etc.? 



THE RELIGION OF SOME. 



For small souls is needed, a small creed, a small god 
and a great big hell for everybody else. Otherwise they 
cculd not feel happy. 



188 LIFE AS rVE FOUND IT. 

THE "PICK-ME-UPS." 

I have noticed of late what to me at least is a new 
plan of the female children of some few of the poor to 
start on the sliding board that leads to infamy. She is 
dressed as other working girls, who are employed in de- 
partment stores, by dressmakers, milliners and other em- 
ployers of labor. She leaves home with a "noon lunch," 
tied up in paper. She takes, as soon as she feels safe on 
leaving home, a little detour from the immediate neigh- 
borhood of her home to reach the business part of the city. 
STie is diplomatic or nothing. She may take the car. If 
so, she sizes up the car. No doubt listens to the conver- 
sation of the men passengers in her endeavor to measure 
opportunities. When she thinks she is "right" she gets 
off the car about the same time as does the person upon 
whom she has picked. If she has struck the "right" man 
they either go to a saloon that has a "ladies dining" room, 
or make an appointment to meet at a similar place out 
of the beaten line of travel to lunch later in the day. 
"What this sort of a play ends in is not hard to surmise. 
Undoubtedly parents may be fooled quite a while by a 
shrewd girl before they detect her duplicity. In the first 
place she may actually have obtained work, and after the 
fact is known at home, fortifies her position further by 
saying it would interfere with her job were her folks to 
call at the place of business. By wearing only such 
clothing as is generally worn by girls in her family's posi- 
tion, and judiciously turning over the am-ount of money 
her employer is supposed to pay her mother, she further 
fortifies herself. 

Woe to her if she gets drunk, however, or geti 
"caught up." The men picked up in this way are out of 
her set, and feel no compunction of conscience to see her 
set straight before her folks and friends. In fact tli« 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 189 

armours of this sort are not of a lasting nature, and are 
shifting, as are the one-night plays of the drama. This 
may catch the eye of parents, or the friends of parents, 
who have girls in their teens, whose life away from home 
is possibly as a closed book to them, and place them on 
their guard. I am sorry there are so many "pick-me-ups." 
It is not necessary. There is a Jack for every Jill, and 
married life is the real thing for every girl fitted mentally, 
physically and in common household duties, for the ex- 
ercising of her passions and the placing of her affections, 
and the honest employment of her labors. 



A MISTAKE— ACCIDENT INSURANCE. 

We are always making mistakes, that is, in doing the 
"right thing," it turns out to "be the wrong thing." 
One day while in a restaurant I noticed a man who once had 
written me "fiat" for accident insurance. That is, he threw 
off his commission from the first year's premium. I felt a 
little drawn toward him. The insurance had expired, and 
I twice started across the room to ask him to write me 
again for $5,000, and of course expected to pay him full 
rates. However, I decided not to, but to use the money 
to send to my family, which at the time was more than 
a thousand miles away. I had but little money for any 
purpose, and concluded thej^ needed it rather more than 
I needed accident insurance. The reasoning was not so 
bad one way, but fate decreed that within a week or so, 
I met with an accident that put me in the hospital for 
several months, on crutches for more months, and to this 
day I am crippled. I have no doubt that the company 
would have been satisfied to have settled with me for 
probably $1,000 lump sum. My wisdom was not far reach- 
ing enough. Yes, accident insurance is no mistake. 



190 LIFE AS' I'VE FOUND IT. 

GREAiT, BUT A "CROOKED STICK." 

There are lots of "crooked sticks in this world of 
ours." A little crookedness in order to keep from starva- 
tion for a limited period, or to cover up an unfortunate 
and infrequent "drunk," is not what I mean to talk about. 
No; these are mere picadillos as it were, by the wayside 
of life of really good, acceptable people — quite likely so 
at least. 

The crooked stick I have in mind is the fellow who 
can't or won't take the straight way of doing things in gen- 
eral. I have in mind a certain ex-judge as an instance. He 
was either Scotch, or one removed from Scotland. He had 
a bushel of brains placed on top of a short, stout body, 
and was not bad in appearance to look upon. His educa- 
tion had not been neglected, but do what he would he 
pursued crooked ways. He had managed to keep out of 
the pen, and would probably continue to keep out, but 
no man of my acquaintance would keep closer to the out- 
side. My acquaintance with him began in the inability of 
an employee of mine, to collect an advertising bill. At 
the time th.s "crooked stick" had been but shortly located 
in our town. He had out his sign as an attorney. The 
bill which he demurred paying was an announcement of 
his profession in a special issue of the paper designed to 
promote emmigration, and it was widely distributed. I 
went to see ,him and found him interesting and suave. 
He said that the way his name was spelled by us failed 
to fix his identity. I good naturedly told him that the 
matter was not serious, that his location was definitely 
established by the ad. I quickly told him he did not owe 
us anything. I smelt poverty in his case, but at the time 
never guessed at the real nature of the fellow, although 
he suggested that we apologize in the next issue and set 
him straight. What he was driving at was a sort of an 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 191 

editorial introduction to the people of the town. This, 
of course, he could not have received under any circum- 
stances. I noticed while in his ofnce a letter of recom- 
mendation from a great iron concern of the South, show- 
ing its regrets that he desired to leave its services as 
chief counsel. It was in the usaul shape, but of fullsome 
praise. Later I read that letter between the lines, they 
had to get rid of him, but he knew too much and they 
did not dare to punish him, so bought his silence and 
dumped him on a defenseless public. He had been a ter- 
ritorial judge under the Cleveland administration, but the 
salary did not conform with his stomach demands, and 
when the office expired he found himself in an uncon- 
genial place, to try his way along at law. They some- 
times shot good people in that territory. "vYe established 
a sort of acquaintance, however, right along. So one day 
when I came into bis office he said: "Did ycu notice a 
car accident in to-day's paper up town?" I said, "Yes; I 
also witnessed it, having been on the colliding car." He 
quickly let me know that he would like to have a suit 
from the person injured as prosecutor against the electric 
line. He placed me in an awkward posiLion, inasmuch 
as he wished me to introduce him to the injured person. 
The attorney of the car line, a big-hearted, manly fellow, 
was my especial friend; a friend when I needed a friend, 
who had never failed me. This alone would not have 
embarrassed me, but from my knowledge of the accident, 
and as explained to the ex-judge, I saw he would have to 
do some tricky business to make out a winning case. And 
this was just what he wanted. I had some trouble to ex- 
tricate myself, and was glad that he did not get in on it. 
His next scheme was a big one. He first got me to in- 
troduce him to the editor of the leading paper of the city, 
and one of the most influential in the entire Southwest' 
Of course I could not refuse him this courtesy. He then 



192 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

had me look over some interesting correspondence from 
Japan and San Francisco relative to orange growing in 
general, but more particularly relating to the Japanese 
orange that was to be frost proof in our State and might 
lead to a great industry were it but properly introduced. 
He showed me a few specimens from Japan in the orig- 
inal ship^png package. AVhile going over the typewritten 
matter I got hold of a sheet closely written, detailing a 
gigantic scheme to foist simultaneously upon the State at 
many points these orange, or stock that purported to be 
the same; take good paper, have it discounted and clear out. 
He had confederates variously located. I'm deaf, but not 
slow; that paper went into my pocket, and of course, if 
he knew or suspected that it had. he did not dare to men- 
tion it to me. I saw him and the great editor eat those 
oranges, and on the strength of for the "good it would 
do our great State," he had arranged for all the space he 
needed without cost. They started it, when I told the 
editor what I knew about it. But in order to not appear 
a fool before the public, the matter v/as just "dropped," 
and before harm was done. 

His next scheme has held my admiration to this day. 
It v/as a man, wife, sons and cousins, who beiv/een them 
controlled a newspaper plant. No one could make head 
or tail as to the real ownership, and arrange with them 
in a contract for business that would hold them jointly and 
severally for its fulfillment, or in lieu damages for failure. 
The head of this family was debarred from practice in the 
county and district court, because of his unprofessional 
conduct. I had business in view with these people, 
and went to the judge as the one man who would draw up 
a drag net, enticing and skilful enough to beat the "trick- 
iest lawyer in the State." He drew the paper all right, but 
I never was able to get them to sign it. The most I could 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 193 

do was to leave them a copy, over which I have no doubt 
the trickiest lawyer spent midnight oil in study. 

My whilom acquaintance left the town in disgust, but 
not before he had several letters from leading citizens, 
recommending him in new fields. The last I heard of him 
was a lawsuit against directory publishers, claiming dam- 
ages for spelling the terminating sylable of his name, 
"lough" instead of "loch." When he was in the dumps 
he could write the most satirical verse against the wicked- 
wealthy rich, and in favor of the proletariat I ever read any- 
where; but he wasn't manly and honest enough to put it 
in print. I read some verses of his on "Paresis" that 
should have brought him a $100 check from the Harpers by 
the next mail. Nothing would induce him to speak his 
heart in print. Among other desires he wanted a wife. 
He was particular. He did not know how to go about it in 
a straight-forward way, and he said he v/asn't satisfied 
in taking a woman by "roping her in;" that he would be 
"afraid of his life with her." The judge was a darling. 
I believe he'll work the "habeas" corpus all right in hell, 
for a contingent fee, if such a thing is possible. The 
judge often expressed himself as realizing he was a failure. 
I have still belief in him, in a last emergency. My friend- 
ship stands for the belief expressed, and hope it is recip- 
rocated by him. 

Here is to you, my old resourceful friend — the Ex- 
Judge. 



YOU ARE RIGHT. 



"If I were to die to-night, you would never, while you 
lived, get another wife like me." "Let's shake on that; you 
told the truth for once in your life. I never would." 



194 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



THE HAPPY HOME. 



Time is short and space is fleeting, so I'll have to boll 
it down. 

DON'T BUY OR TAKE AS PRESENTS. 

"BUM" OTHER BUM PLANS. 

Furniture, Don't board. 

Curtains, Don't live in two rooms. 

Carpets, Don't emulate millionaires. 

Clothing, Don't keep rooms dark. 

Bedding, Don't »erve different gods. 

Dishes. Don't live away from home. 

There are other dont's. When you select on6 .. th© 
other, you should bear in mind the scheme is for life. 
People to get on should be something like near right phys- 
ically and of nearly equal brain development. 



UNION WAR SOLDIERS. 



The war between the States called into the conflict 
on the Union side 2,800,000 soldiers during the four yeara 
of its continuance. Fully 750,000 of these were re-enlist- 
ments, or about 2,000,000 men were under arms in that 
war on the Union side. On the Confederate side, while 
the records are not exact, it is within the range of facts 
to say that 1,250,000 men were under arms on that side. 
To-day there remains of these two vast armies, on the 
Union side fully 1,000,000 and on the Confederate side 
500,000. The government has now on the pension rolls 
nearly 1,000,000 persons, but of this number fully a third 
are widows, and under present laws get $8 to $12 per 
month, except in cases of ofl[icers' widows. This class are 
pensioned according to the rank of the officer — an un- 
American method. In this year 1902 we can look back and 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 195 

contemplate the greatness of the re-united United States, 
and in its greatness and affluence it might not be out of 
the way for Uncle Sam to help the ex-Confedfrate in his 
old days, as has been done for the Federal soldier. Thii 
would cement the Union forever. 



"WITH THAT YOU SHOULD BE FOXY." 

It was night. We, George and I, were doing the 
"Samaritan." We kept to an office in one of the big build- 
ings, instead of hunting pleasure. 'Twas due to "littl* 
Tommy," the electrician. He was drunk. We did not 
want the police to pull him in. On waking up the ine- 
briate espied me, and said: "Depew, I am sory you are 
deaf. Do not despair. Why, with THAT (deafness) you 
can be foxy." I straightway tried to believe that maybe I 
had not been foxy enough. But a cooler second thought 
convinced me with "that" I never could be foxy, as "that" 
always caused other people to be foxy with me. Hear, and 
with that (hearing) you can be foxy. 



AN APT ANSWER. 
An apt answer was that I once heard, in my hearing 
days, from a boy, on the occasion of his mother breaking 
him in "etiquettically" for his first party. "And now, dar- 
ling, what is a greedy boy? ' to which darling answered: "A 
boy who wants everything I want." 



THE OLDEST SMOKER. 

The City of Pittsburg is the oldest and hardest smoker 
in the land. The harder she smokes, the better »he 1», 
and feels. 



196 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

PARESIS. 

My observation of paresis has convinced me that I 
can pick my man years before it is fully developed to ev- 
erybody. I never knew a paretic but who had been con- 
stitutionally an egotist. That is all egotists are not paretics 
or going to be paretics, bu all paretics were born egotists. 
I have observed at least 50 of them. It is untrue that 
most paretics are people who have lead a dissipated lifo. 
Most of those whom I have known, or at least more than 
50 per cent., were those careful of their habits. 



NOBODY WAS KILLED. 



This morning I saw a wild rush on a leading thor- 
oughfare. Consternation was depicted in the faces of 
those closest by me, such as one sees when a building 
has collapsed, a boiler has let itself lose, or dynamite or 
gun powder created havoc, and carried with it death and 
wounded. I hurried with the crowd to the point where 
the crush was greatest, and saw a smile an acre or more 
in area. A fellow of my acquaintance poked me in the 
ribs, jabbered and all the while "laughing to bust," 
said: "Why don't you laugh?" I said, "I'm no brute. How 
many are Inlled?" He answered, "You damn fool, a water 
pipe burst and some of the "big 'uns look like drowned 
rats." Then we both "smiled." just around the corner. 



WHEN IS A MAN OLD. 



A men is never old as long as he is young. When the 
machinery is in full working order as designed by nature, 
the man is young. I've seen some people born old-like. 
It is often in casual conversation that I learn a whole lot 
about life. I have before me the notes made by a man, in 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 197 

writing in answer to my queries. It looks like copper plate. 
Of course lie is 85 years young (not old) — sturdy as an 
oak he looked; had most of his natural teeth; only partly 
bald; face ruddy as a mountain lassie's; eyes clear as a 
falcon and only carried a cane to please the folks. He told 
me his health was excellent, enjoyed the open air daily, 
winter and summer, had retired from business at 76 owing 
to the death of his wife, "having no one to work for any 
longer." He had been in various lines of business. Among 
other lines had been a hotel keeper for a number of years, 
and at the time when he retired was in the iron business. 

He said about all "the business I have now is 'eating, 
drinking, sleeping and telling other people what to do.' 
I asked him what were his habits as to the use of liquor. 
He replied: "I used none until about 50 years of age, and 
I have continued to use it daily since, and want to give 
you a recipe of my own make of bitters." Omitting the 
proportionate parts here it is: "To old rye whiskey add 
Peruvian bark, genitian rot and caraway seed, let soak, 
but not too long, as to use regularly means health and you 
need health every day." Of his seven children living — they 
all live — the eldest is 63 and all are healthy. When I left 
him he gave me a hand shake like a blacksmith's. 

■Tim my O — Who does not know Jimmy Owens is 77; 
has all his natural teeth ; looks to be 55 to 60 years of age. 
Sleeps like a rock, and could work like a Trogan, but it 
pays better to boss his men of whom he employes several 
as a contractor. He has a farm near the mountains and 
goes home on Saturday to stay with the folks, and is back 
bright and early Monday morning. Jimmy eats sparingly. 
His dinner is generally roast beef, potatoes, preferably 
baked, bread and coffee. He has never tasted liquor or 
tobacco. He does not belong to any church, nor does he 
intend to bother about the future after another 30 years or 
so of this life. 



198 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

Oliver P. quit using tobacco on account of his health at 
83. He worked daily as an expert mechanic and model 
maker. He was a firm believer in Ayers Sarsaparilla. He 
did not have to work, but worked because he "did not 
know what to do with himself if not busy." His wife lived 
to old age as well as himself, and their daughter was the 
mother of several pair of twins. Mr, Briggs is a Yankee 
on springs, a boy at 75, collector for one of our big dailies. 
Briggs is an inveterate smoker of tobies; SheflSer is 82 
and likes to navigate around among his tenants, mostly 
small trades people and he gives them many pointers on 
how to make a turn. He chews plug tobacco and disdains 
cutting it with a knife. He says people maybe ought to 
quit using plug when they lose their teeth. He thinks 
a little old Rye is good to open the day's labor with. 
Henry Lavely, the poet and high-grade bookseller, is 75 
years old, looks to be 50 — dapper, suave, busy, brown as 
a berry from summer suns and wintry blasts. His only 
rules are work, eat plain food, sleep lots. He uses neither 
t-'ba- CO nor liquor. I might continue to enumerate for fifty 
pages or so, the people above 60 who were advance sub- 
scribers for this book — all active, full of life and red blood. 



THE OLD WAY AND THE NEW. 

I knew a good mother, but she did not fancy new 
fangled things. When they did away with the old dash 
churn, the ease of working the new caused her to spoil the 
boys' fun, and screw it up so tight that it was labor to 
turn the dasher crank. She would not convince herself 
that good butter and all the butter could be brought out 
by an easy process. 

There was a newspaper proprietor who kicked up 
"high jinks" when your humble narrator brought about a 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 199 

change in the market column of the big daily. All I had 
done was to throw in a little country-side talk — greens, 
garlands and posies in the "introductory talk and com- 
ments." He said, there was too much poetry in the mar- 
kets. He is dead. The paper still lives, and the innova- 
tion instead of a detriment, to this day is a feature of the 
paper. 

Louie and I were stopping over night at a house in 
Texas. The folks put us in a room at 7:30 and said: "Good 
night." The bed v/as a four-poster. We had to stand on 
a chair to get into it. It was built from wood taken from 
the Mayflower. Before going to bed, we wanted to read. 
We had candles and Texas moonlight. The thing was, the 
books. We finally found two. One was "A History of the 
United States." It told the story up to 1850. The other 
was "Die Geschigte das Deutsch-Franzoesige Krieges," 
(The Story of the French and German War.) We both 
wanted the latter, as it was but twenty years or so ancient. 
We tossed a coin from the ruins of S'oloman's Temple to 
settle as to whom it should go. Before we went to bed, 
Louie said: "Depew, these people, I'll bet, will give us 
coffee in the morning boiled in a sock— it will take them 
twenty years more to learn that they are footware." 

Oh, yes, some people are slow and sure. I knew a 
good old woman years ago whom I often told that I would 
do thus and so before she could say Jack-Robison. She 
would try it on "Herr Ja-co-bus Ro-bin-sohn, when es Dinen 
gefellig ist, hoere mich einmahl, ahn, rasch." 



WORK AND WORRY. 



Some people don't need to join the "Don't worry club." 
They are too busy doing field work, creating material for 
the clubs. 



200 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 



POLICE NEWS— WHISKEY. 

I deplore the fact that the newspapers give so much 
space to depicting the doings of the police courts. Many 
a good man is made worse by having an unfortunate drunk 
place him in the category of bums and criminals through 
a cheap John reporter who does the police court work. 

The press can well afford to aid in lessening drunken- 
ness by all means within their power, and it is no little 
power that it possesses. 

The barkeepers can keep many a man from a pro- 
tracted spree. I still bless one or several of them who 
several years ago used to dose my drinks with pepper 
sauce until they nauseated me and I got my bearings. 

The greatest cause of drunkenness is due to the rob- 
bery of men's earnings through the present unfair dis- 
tribution of the same. The next is that we do not substi- 
tute wine, cider and light beer for stronger liquors. There 
is a rational thing that is to inaugurate temperance. Pro- 
hibition is neither rational, American or effective. 






With the substitution of native wine for whiskey there will be Icsa 
crime.— Page 201. 



LIFE A3 I'VE FOUND IT. 201 

WHAT ABOUT DRUNKENNESS? 

I cannot tell you much about it. The man who 
"drinks" never knows about it to the extent of the man who 
does not. You must know that this is true, or why is it 
that the Prohibitionists know it all? 

It is too vast a subject and my book is too small, and 
is not the all-absorbing question of "Life as I've seen it" 
to burden its pages with my views of the "drink question." 
To my mind the sensible way to go about it is to thin 
down the drinks. Persons familiar with the wine making 
sections of Europe assure us that drunkenness there is 
most notable for its absence, and that the people are noted 
for their sobriety, industry and thrift. Many sections of 
Europe, where grapes are grown, labor under great disad- 
vantages. The first consideration is the price of land, 
averaging probably not less than $300 per acre. Then, 
too, the area of the individual holdings, average so small 
that machinery cannot be successfully employed in culti- 
vation, yet the industry thrives. 

In the United States we have hundreds of thousands 
of acres of far cheaper land which is well adapted for 
growing several varieties of excellent native wine-making 
grapes. What is needed is a crusade, first showing the 
desirability of this healthful drink as against stronger 
and impure liquors. Next to show how widely disseminated 
is the land suitable for its SUCCESSFUL AND PROFIT- 
ABLE PRODUCTION. Then educate the taste for wine. 
Educate the wine taste, and the result will be sobriety. 

The tobacco question is being solved. You know this. 
We are dispensing with the cigarette by teaching the 
youth. Most objectors to the cigar and pipe are now 
called cranks. There is drink and drink — just as there is 
tobacco and tobacco. 



202 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

"YOU, TOO, HAD A SON?" "YES, MEiM." 

Ttie "crusaders" v/ere in the gutter. The good wo- 
men were in front of a drinking place. They sang and 
harangued against liquor and those of the "big church." 
It was the noon hour, and they had motley assembly. 
Some were in full accord with them, more curious and in- 
different, others cynical and derisive. 

One lady made quite a little talk. She said: "Mine is 
a home of luxury and refinement, and in spite of all the 
teaching, prayers and admonition I had a son who proved 
wayward. He frequented society. Society prevailed over 
my teaching in causing him to learn to drink wine. Prom 
a wine taster he became a bibber. Then a beer drinker; 
then whiskey and drunkenness became his master. Our 
circumstances were such that we kept him from the work- 
house, but not from becoming a physical wreck, and to- 
day he fills a drunkard's grave." She wound up her dis- 
course in the regular fashion, and with no little emphasis 
dictated by feelings quite natural to mothers' hearts under 
the circumstances related. However, she added, triumph- 
antly, "we, we women have stopped the Sunday beer gar- 
dens in this town." She looked around and near to her 
was an old German, who was v/iping his eyes with the 
sleeve of his blouse. STie addressed him, "My friend, per- 
haps you, too, had a son who now fills a drunkard's 
grave? Please tell us about it, and you may bring light 
to your class of whom. I see so many around us, and help 
the cause for which we woman leave our beautiful and 
luxurious homes." 

He took his cap in his hand and said: "Mem, it vas 

true that I het a son. He v/ent with them beer Sunday gar- 
dens; he drunk steins ven alone, and little vons ven he 
treated his frends. He spented a whole thaler every Son- 
day. He vent not longer on the beer Sonday gardens ven 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 203 

you wimmens made them closed up. He mooped many 
times on ttie house. Sometimes he vent mit a beer Chris- 
nings of German ehildrens on der S'onday. He dried many 
things, but he vas like one lost sheeps. One time he 
went on the Sonday skift ride on the Monongahela river, 
and now he fills a drownder's grave." Tte crusaders then 
sang, "There is nothing so good for the youthful blood as 
pure and sparkling water." 



CONSUMPTION. 



The consumptives should be isolated. There is no 
longer a question but that it is distributed around from 
bacteria. The States and nation owe it to us to establish 
sanitariums. These are cures of it. I'll instance one. A 
man from the East went to San Antonio, Texas. His case 
was such that the life insurance company who had him for 
$5,000 gladly canceled their risk for $3,500 cash. When I 
knew him he had established a home by aid of this money, 
and was and had been for years cashier of a bank in that 
city. He saved the other lung, and is in good health. An- 
other case was one of the minor partners in the Carnegie 
Steel Company. He lived for 25 years in California and 
until 62 years of age, after having been given no by the 
doctors in the East. I could cite many cases of climatic 
help. However, it is not beyond belief to look for radical 
medicinal means to cure or mitigate this great scourge. 
Tbere are many able, self-sacrificing members of the med- 
ical profession, and they should receive a portion of the 
needless wealth of our milionaires, so they could devote 
their time and research for the benefit of humanity at 
large in the study of not alone this disease, but others 
likely to affect any of us at any time. 



204 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

RENEWING THE LAND. 

Tlie success of the "Beef Barons" to fix the price of 
the meat for the people of this country to suit themselves 
set me to thinking out the real causes contributing most 
largely to their success, other than those observed and ad- 
mitted by everybody. T{he real condition and greatest 
contributing cause is due to the neglect of the lands, and 
in many cases abandonment in the Eastern States and 
Middle West of so much of the farming lands. The rem- 
edy outside of legislation which will reach and trim the 
"trusts" undoubtedly before many years, is that the op- 
portunities for farming be taken up by people of enter- 
prise and be pushed along under modern methods. This 
is no chimerical project; It is a sure proposition, based 
on law of supply and demand and local conditions most 
inviting for a profitable, permanent business. Before the 
construction of the transcontinental railroads, the East 
found no difficulty to supply her people with wheat. Ohio 
and New York States, were then the great wheat States. 
In Pennsylvania a great deal of wheat was grown. With 
the building of the railroad it naturally followed that its 
projectors needed population to make freight and pas- 
senger business. There being no population other than a 
few trappers, miners, lumbermen, cattlemen and the abor- 
iginees, the railroads set about to create an industry. The 
exceedingly cheap and virgin soil, and its adaptability for 
wheat growing caused men from many sections of the 
Bast, but more especially from Western New York than 
©Isewhere, who were "up-to-date," to go into the business 
on an extensive scale, as witnessed by the Dalrymple and 
other wheat farms. These extensive operations at greatly 
cheapened cost of production in growing the wheat, added 
to it water power and "new process milling" at Minne- 
apolis, gave the New York and Ohio v/heat farmer a back- 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 205 

set to be sure. The new country was assisted greatly by 
the strict commercialism of the system. Men who pos- 
sessed bank accounts and the nerve to purchase up-to-date 
farm implements, the great areas in cultivation, with no 
impeding fences, and the farm or wheat-growing opera- 
tion cut down to a six-months' campaign, and a "clean-up" 
for cash, all counted in favor of the new section for wheat. 
Now, as to the cattle business. The present cattle area, 
from whence the country draws its large supplies, and 
where it seems the Beef Barons have their Baronies, is 
the country where, within my own memory, the Buffalo 
roamed, and not an age ago at that. Despite the fact 
that the prairies were covered with natural grass, and 
free grass, yet it took years to bring up the stand- 
ard of their flocks before the meat supply successfully 
cut into the Eastern stock farmers' business. 

It took the co-operation of the Western merchants, 
the Eastern bankers, his Western allies and the sentiment 
of local pride of Chicago, Kansas City, and Omaha to es- 
tablish the success of the great slaughtering firms of 
those centers. For the sake of argument, let me assume 
that the same spirit of co-operation between the country 
and town had prevailed in West Virginia, Pennsylvania, 
Ohio and New York States, does anybody believe the cat- 
tle growing industry of those States would be as dead as 
to-day? Certainly not. The banker places his money 
where it is required. He is ready to furnish the sinews 
of trade to anybody who has a sufiiciently attractive prop- 
osition, as regards safety and profit. There were other 
reasons producing this state of affairs. The Middle States 
and the South Central States, having turned their atten- 
tion so largely to the development of mineral and manu- 
facturing interests, and the purchase of coal, oil, gas 
rights and timber having made so many neighborhoods 
rich, there was a lack of incentive for extensive and busi- 



206 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

ness-like farming. Their business was to expend their 
newly acquired wealth. Many of the best people of farming 
communities drifted to the cities and engaged in other 
occupations. Farming followed in other cases after the 
newly acquired wealth was dissipated, was in slip-shod 
style. All of these matters hastened the decedence of suc- 
cessful stock growing in the East. There are hundreds of 
thousands of acres in these states that are scarcely cul- 
tivated at all. There is land in Pennsylvania, West Vir- 
ginia, Maryland, Virginia and Tennessee for sale at prices 
as low as the lands of Nebraska and Kansas, and which, 
acre for acre, are just as good, and as regards the cer- 
tainty of rainfall, better for grass than those States. 

It is not a great exaggeration to say that compared 
with the distant Western States these Eastern points are 
almost within sight of the great consumption of meat, 
"The question of railroad carriage enters into the price 
of the finished product." Yes, that we can easily meet. 
It is a question of tonnage. Now then, if these Eastern 
State communities will contract to furnish carloads and 
trainloads, there is no longer a question about getting to 
market at fair rates, and the short-haul is no detriment, 
as railroad people are willing to build branch lines where- 
ever they can obtain tonnage to warrant their entrance. 
The cynic will talk "corn.'* If these States cannot grow 
enough of corn, and cheap enough to enter competition 
with the West, with land just as cheap or cheaper, and 
the meat consumer within sight, it is not because their 
•oil is not adapted for the product, but as much because 
they will not employ the proper methods of cultivation 
and harvesting the crop. I assert, and defy contradiction, 
that if it pays to grow a heifer calf and keep her for three 
or four years, and sell her to the dairyman, it will pay 
equally well to grow and sell it at the same age and price 
to the butcher. The price of a cov/ and steer have been 



LIFE A3 I'VE FOUND IT. 207 

identical, and rather a little in favor of the beef. It is 
far easier to depend on a uniformity of value in the beef 
stock than that of the milk cattle. Within fifty to one 
hundred miles of almost any of the cities of the States 
mentioned, you will find hundreds of acres, rather thous- 
ands of acres of land that are almost entirely neglected, 
much of it in sight of the railroads, with trains speeding 
by on good roadbeds, between great cities, ready to carry 
farm products. Markets everywhere, but no home-grown 
supplies. It is perhaps news to most of you that the 
condensed milk business originated at the little town of 
Harrisburg, Texas, south by a few miles from the city of 
Houston. It was established by Gail Borden. I only 
make mention of the fact in connection with this article 
to draw your attention to the fact that there is no con- 
densed m.ilk made there now, but the great centers of 
supply are in the East, most notably New York State, 
and the supply of milk is drawn from cows fed upon high- 
priced lands. But the consumer is close at hand. There 
was plenty of land in Gail Borden's time near Harrisburg, 
Texas, to be had at $1.00 to $2.00 per acre. I will repeat, 
it costs no more to bring a steer to maturity than it does 
a milch cow, and the East has its market at the farm gate, 
and the meat consumer almost ^^thin sight. 

The time is ripe for the revival of the cattle industry, 
and the monopoly (?) of the Beef Barons cannot prevent 
the success of business like co-operations of the Eastern 
monied men and land owners, where they will engage in 
this industry. If I am chargeable with warmth and en- 
thusiasm on this subject "blame" it to the fact that I am 
a descendant of a long line of successful farmers, who 
have petered out— growing too grand for the engagement in 
this most noble occupation of man. Also because I have 
viewed with contempt and disgust the shiftless kind of 
farming to be seen at all hands throughout the Suites of 



208 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

New York, Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia and 
Ohio. Of course there are some notable exceptions, but 
I have not exaggerated in estimating the general existing 
conditions as shiftless and profitless. 

Do away with cattle and sheep farming and you rap- 
idly impoverish the soil and degrade the business of 
farming. I will also add that the French largely depend 
upon themselves in supplying their meat needs, and 
France is not a corn growing country. Also that I have 
seen as large crops of corn grown in the States enumer- 
ated in the East, as are the average crops of the great 
corn growing States of the West. Moreover, that the 
cultivated grasses in the East are worth more acre for 
acre than the average two acres, yes often five acres, of 
the natural grasses of the Western States, and that the 
range fellows are learning the value of housing stock 
against inclement weather, and systematical feeding. I 
know of no better proposition than to look into the cattle- 
growing business in the old States of Virginia, West Vir- 
ginia, portions of Pennsylvania and adjoining States. You 
can buy the land at from $5.00 to $75.00 per acre, and 
have THE MARKET FOR YOUR MEAT ON THE HOOF 
AT YOUR DOOR. 



THE PRESENT DAY BOY CAN'T. 

Can't climb a shell-bark hickory. First, because they 
are nearly all gone. Second, because, if he could climb, 
but he usually can't, he'd spoil his pants. 



THE "TYPIST." 



She can type you off a letter all right, the type run- 
ning smooth and same, but * * * * gj^e (.^ji hardly 
ever spell. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 209 



BE BROTHERLY. 



There is many a little thing we can do for each other. 
There is no finer trait than that of being brotherly and 
willing to help each other out. Here is an instance: 

Two beggars were soliciting alms at the entrance to the 
Westinghouse Electric works at East Pittsburg yester- 
day afternoon. One had lost an arm, while the other had 
lost both. The one-armed man smoked a toby, which oc- 
casionally he placed in the mouth of his companion. The 
fellow with both arms off could read and had a paper, 
while the other could not read a word. Nevertheless, he 
was indispensable, as he held the paper while the armless 
one read the news. 



HIS AMBITION. 



It used to be, before opportunities were corralled in the 
hands of the few for distribution, that nearly every one 
in America had set his heart on some particular achieve- 
ment and sometimes got there. For instance, Chauncey M. 
Depew aspired, among other things when quite a young 
man, to go to the United States Senate when he became 
eld. I knew an Englishman who at middle age had had a 
most variegated life. Among other things had been a sol- 
dier in the British army in India. When I learned to know 
him he was endeavoring to dispose of a patent oven for 
coking coal. He speculated some and seemed to jog along 
in life. One day during a lull in a card game he told me; 
"Now this is the whiskey B. F. J. (an iron master) keeps 
in his cellar and drinks regularly. It it said to be thirty 
years aged." After a little pause he continued: "Depew, I 
have two ambitions, one is to have this same whiskey that 
B. F. J. has in my cellar for myself and friends, and the 



210 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

other is to make my pile in the iron and steel business or 
in some other business I'm familiar with, and return to 
Wolverhampton and stand for parliament." I lost sight of 
him for several years, but heard that he had had especially 
bad luck and after having engaged at the lowly occupation 
of weighing pig iron at a great iron works, had disap- 
peared to all his former acquaintances. One day I was 
walking a Pittsburg, Pa., street, and accompanying a slap 
on the back I heard a familiar voice. It was my old ac- 
quaintance. He was well dressed, buoyant and jolly. Said 
he was down to Pittsburg to buy some coal as a strike was 
on at home. He then related: "Old man, I've made a start 
on carrying out my ambitions. I've got hold of an iron 
works in the up-country; live in a stone castie-like building 
in the mountains and keep a good supply of the same 
whiskey that B. F. J. does for myself and friends. Come 
and see me soon or you may have to come to Wolverhamp- 
ton to do so." I feel almost certain that he will yet stand, 
if he has not already stood, for Wolverhampton, and get 
there. With any sort of a show, we are continually an- 
swering our prayers ourselves. 



THE OLD PREACHER SAID. 

The preacher, the old preacher, was a substitute for 
the day. His home was out on the western prairie, and 
he had come East only with the view of endeavoring to 
have his wife also move westward, and to help make a 
home for both. The sunshine of an early spring Sunday 
morning through the stained glass windows danced all 
around us, and all in all the old man's mind reverted 
toward the setting sun. He started off with: "The voice 
of the turte dove was heard through the land. It was 
a pleasant sound. The bumblebee brummed around among 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 211 

bright flowers and I thought me of locusts and wild honey 
of the Scriptures. Now is the time to sow seed oats in 
Iowa, yet I am here. Dear Lord hold the season open long, 
as there are those of your people who cannot yet sow. 
Brethren and sisters, as 'you sow so you shall reap.' I see 
God's work in an uninterrupted view in my western sta- 
tion for miles around, but to see one dearest to my heart 
I had to go me hence." He continued: "Let us pray." 



HIS QUIET INFLUENCE. 



I told a man: "S'ir: you have always exercised a 
quiet influence over me." That tickled him. It would 
not have tickled him much, however, had I told him, how 
very quiet that influence was. Try to leave a sweet taste 
in a fellow's mouth. It costs nothing, and is often as bread 
cast upon the waters. 



THE EFFICACY OF PRAYER. 

Judged without bias, what is prayer anyhow? What 
is the phenomena of prayer? Do we answer our own 
prayers? Or, if they are answered, is it through a favor- 
able correlation of events, or actually due to divine causes? 
Now, everybody, more or less, prays. The chicken thief will 
say a little prayer. If he is successful in getting his 
chicken; can anyone blame him if he gives the Lord thanks 
and credit for his success? 

There may be a great deal in the idea that we are 
constantly, with the help of course of things naturally 
happening toward our aspirations, answering, our own 
prayers. The mind bent toward the attainment of an ob- 



212 LIFE AS' I'VE FOUND IT. 

ject, is strengthened undoubtedly, and directing itself, by 
the formal act of prayer, as we cast other things aside 
when in prayer, thus making more indelible impression on 
the brain than ordinary impress, due to passing thought. 
The entire subject is speculative, but there is one thing 
I'm set on, that there are lots of people, if prayer is 
answered, who, because of their inordinate selfishness 
I'd rather trust praying from the housetop than in the 
"secret of their closet." 



"THE LAND IS WORTH THE PRICE." 

I have had many things out of the usual occur to me 
while engaged in selling real estate, especially country 
property. I will instance one case. A man well up in 
years employed me to sell his farm. He had worked hard 
to make that home place, yet in his old age he wanted to 
sell it. I advised him, because of his age, to keep it. He 
said, he was "compelled to sell," but would not tell me 
why. I could discover no liens against him, and as my 
advice was not welcome, I set to work to sell it without 
any further compunction of conscience. During my efforts 
to sell, I was detained one evening at his house so lato 
that I accepted his invitation to remain over night at the 
farm. I knew little of the family, but while after dark, 
sitting on the porch with the old folks, I learned that they 
were some concerned about a son getting home all right, 
who had "gone to town" with the team and wagon. I told 
them without thought that " perhaps he had stopped at 
some tavern." This, they said, was impossible for him, 
that he did not indulge, but might have stopped at a 
sick friend's. That they only were concerned because of a 
piece of bad road along a bluff which he was compelled 
to drive. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 213 

By and by he came home all right. Although it was 
near midnight, these good simple people had prayers, etc., 
before we retired. The next morning at the breakfast table, 
the son said a prayer, and the old man read from the 
"Scriptures." The latter, in a loud voice, "read and re- 
peated the land is 'worth the price.' " Thereafter we ate 
just as at any other place. During the meal, and while 
I remained there, I cogitated over, "the land is worth the 
price" and felt convinced that there was something out 
of the usual back of the old man's anxiety to sell his home, 
and that either in despair or with a hope of attracting both 
the Lord's and my own especial attention he distorted the 
"book" to the extent of getting off what he had. How- 
ever, wlien I got away from there, around the bend of the 
road, I had fun with myself that resounded through the 
woods, laughing and saying, the "servant is worthy of his 
hire." I nevertheless made it my especial business to en- 
deavor to learn more of the old man's affairs than he was 
willing to give out. I succeeded in my endeavors at the 
village, learning that an "other" son was charged by a 
neighbor with having committed forgery, and at this time 
was a fugitive from justice. Further, that the old man 
was aware of his hiding place, and that he was probably 
selling out to keep the boy from going to State prison. 
Also that in applying the proceeds from the sale of the 
farm, would leave him almost penniless. This appealed 
to me, although privately I then thought I would not, had 
I a son thus charged, bankrupt myself to save him from 
punishment. I had a contract giving me -a commission 
above a net price, and had been asking a price without 
success, offering it for sale at the nominal advance of five 
per cent. As I .have said, I had been unable to sell it at 
this price. Later I sold it, and this, too, at several hun- 
dred dollars more than the price I first had asked. I di- 
vided with the old man as my contribution toward rehabil- 



214 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

itating him. Now the curious part to me was how I was 
enabled to get more than I wanted, than the price. Next 
what part the old man's distortion of Scripture cut, for do 
"they" not say, "neither add nor detract one jot or tittle 
from it?" And last but not least, with this in view, that 
I had shared my profit with him? I believe the son es- 
caped the pentitentiary, and heard the old man had died 
before his means were quite exhausted. 



"A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH." 

When I say "A soft answer turneth away wrath" I 
do not say it is always true; I know a "wrath" that is 
far safer to run away from. Even a soft pucker, at that, 
"wrath," is dangerous. 



THERE IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING. 

Maybe the above is true, but not so for me. I can't 
get "time" on anything. The fellow who originally got 
that off must have been "doing time," most of the time. 



USB MY HEAD FOR A FOOT BALL. 

I once told a fellow who ran a society paper, that if 
he mentioned me again in his sheet I'd use his body to 
wipe up the floor of the smoking car: But my son, I've 
never used my head for foot ball. Go, thou; yes, go thou to 
the jack-ass. He uses his head to use his — for foot ball, 
or any other sort of kicking. Oh, yes, foot ball is very 
intellectual. 




MAJUK R. W. A. SIMMONS. 
Founder of the Toy Mission, Pittsburgh, Pa.— See article. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 215 

WHY, THEY PLAY, BROTHER! 

I told liim that in Texas "under ordinary circumstances 
: ou cannot sell out the household effects of the tenant for 
non-payment of his rent." Then my friend wanted to know 
how you were enabled to get your rent. "Well, they play 
brother between rent collection days" — they aften, yes 
often, see to it that their tenant is employed. 



THE TOY MISSION OF PITTSBURG. 

I am the last man who endorses so-called public char- 
ity. Justice would leave the world's people with plenty. 
However, v/hile we cannot as yet have the reign of justice, 
some forms of philanthropy appeal to me in such a way 
that I should be glad to spread them abroad, so that they 
are copied through the land. The one I have especially in 
mind is that of the Toy Mission of Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. 
It was inaugurated in 1894 by Major R. W. A. Simmons, 
one of the members of the firm that printed this book. 
My friend (we have known each other for many years), 
noticed the barrenness in the lives of so many children of 
the poor, which especially emphasizes itself about Christ- 
mas time. He commenced this thing by making presents 
of toys and books to a few children. Later he interested 
a number of people and new and second-hand toys and 
books are distributed at Christmas time to at least 12,000 
children through the growth of his scheme. The business 
is systematized, and has become an institution of this city. 

I have no doubt he would be pleased to post anyone, or 
set of people contemplating the like, how to go about it 
elsewhere, as gladly as he has donated his services in this 
city for years to this joy-making philanthropy for children. 
Therefore write to him and learn the modus operandi. 



216 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

GENTLEMEN, "HAVE A CARE." 

I sometimes think a lot on the general political situa- 
tion. On one especial matter, I always agree with myself 
as regards previous conclusions. That is, ye dominant rich, 
you plutocrats at heart and in practice, who so largely 
control politics — well, gentlemen, it will not work much 
longer. You will have to give way. Your day will have 
run some day — waving "the flag" with one hand and the 
other robbing the masses. The people want that flag 
back. That flag is theirs. They also want to march to 
their own music. They did so in 1776, and you know the 
result. There is, thank God, some of the "old stock" left, 
and they now as then are minded to be free and them- 
selves ride the horse of state for themselves, where and 
how suits them, not to suit and serve masters. Yes, gen- 
tlemen, a friendly word of warning: "Have a care." 



A LESSON IN PATIENCE. 



When a boy I once received a lesson in patience which 
I have never forgotten: Some of you perhaps know how 
boys hate to weed the onion patch grown from seed? You 
know how hard it is to differentiate between the onion 
sprouts and that of grass; also how the chick-weed twines 
around? Well, my task that day was to weed the onion 
patch. I was to do it that day — tired, or not cut no figure. 
A drizzling rain oame on and my attention was drawn by 
two cats. One chased the other under the house. The 
hole was too small for the chaser to follow under the 
building. You know how cats hate rain? But there and 
thereabout he hovered, thoroughly wet to the skin. Yes, 
I never forgot his patience and his — strategy. Many things 




Tij.^ 



Ayi^^^^ 



The first subscriber for "Life As I've Found It. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 217 

around about us, were we to observe them would harden 
our will for success to overcome obstacles which beset 
our pathway. Among others, see how tiny seeds shoot 
out, circumventing rocks, roots, baked soil that obstructs 
them. Watch the tumblebug at tJie road side, and the 
struggling ant with his burden. Once when tramping 
twenty-five miles to a doctor, with an arm for lancing, 
swollen about three sizes, and sick from blood poisoning, 
these things, remembrances of my youth, helped to spur 
me on to make my tramp. At the end of the route there 
awaited me relief — success. 



ELECTION DAY. 



This is the one "sure enough" day when it seems that 
some of us are nearly "free and equal." 



MY HALF AND HIS HALF. 



"George" and I slept together. That is more or less 
together, as I generally sat up to read after midnight, 
when he, on the contrary, retired early. He often kicked, 
claiming that the light I needed kept him from sleeping. 
That he would have licked me, had he been quite certain of 
being able to do so, I verily believe. However, one morning 
he jumped out of bed and said: "Here, Depew, this light 
business is not fair." To this I said: "George, maybe 
you are right. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll settle it as 
fair as could old Solomon. I'll turn off your half of the 
gas and keep my own"— and yet he kicked. 



218 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

HOME WITHOUT A MOTHER-IN-LAW? 

I knew a place, in fact I used to eat there, where 
there was a motto over the dining room door: "What Is 
Home Without a Mother-in-Law." Nothing more fitting, 
she had taken in a half dozen married sons and daughters 
with their brood. 



PLUTOCRACY IS UNITED. 



Yes, plutocracy is united on at least one thing sure: 
"To us belong these United States." 



A STRENUOUS LIFE. 



It is a strenuous life — that of the man who works rain, 
shine, snow and winds, at laborious toil, at $1.25 to $1.50 
per day, and compelled with this to support a wife and 
from three to ten children. 



GOOD LUCK ACCIDENT INSURANCE. 

An acquaintance of mine one day was interrupted by 
a "pestiferous" accident insurance agent. He had some- 
what crossly turned him off. Ashamed, he called him 
back, and after a little parley took a $5,000 policy. Within 
six months he was glad he had done so : He, in the night, 
owing to a glare of light on his "glasses," while endeav- 
oring to go hurriedly down the stairs from a steamboat 
making a landing, his destination, made a misstep, so 
injuring a leg as to knock him out of following active life 
for three months. He drew his $25 per week with regu- 
larity and thankfulness, that he had permitted the pesti- 
ferous agent to bother him successfully. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 219 

MAKING THE BOOK. 

This book, or the idea of my writing a book, came 
through the suggestion of Frederick W. Haas. Don't know 
Fred? No matter. "He is all right." He said to me: 
"Depew, the newspapers keep the deaf employee on the 
anxious. Write a book." "What about?" "Anything. No, 
about yourself and observations of the people." 

A few months later I thought I would. It struck me, 
ht)wever, that success is what you're after, not to merely 
write. Knowing that the average books sell but to the 
extent of a few hundred copies, I drew up a little diagram 
of what it would touch on and a pledge for subscriptions. 
I determined to not invest a cent for a printed prospectus. 
Nor did I. Also that I would get 500 subscriptions before 
any type would be set. I got them, and a hundred be- 
sides. I received most of them within a few blocks of the 
postofRce of Pittsburg, and within thirty-eight working 
days, short hours, as I did the chores about home at the 
same time. 

The first subscription I received was from Wesley I. 
Craig, an attorney of Pittsburg. He is a good lawyer, as 
lawyers run, but a jolly good fellow and well read man be- 
sides. His picture is in the book. The five hundredth sub- 
scription was that of W. F. P. Vance. Vance is the fellow 
who made the cover design. He does work for all kinds 
of people, and no doubt it is his design that is on the bottle 
labels of the big rye whiskey distilleries and menus of 
many of the leading hotels and clubs of Pennsylvania and 
Ohio. 

But about the five hundredth and first man. When I 
started for but five hundred. It was this way. My friend 
Whalon, who keeps a restaurant, an Irishman and good fel- 
low, had been sick. I saw him back and went unto him 
to tell him what I had been doing. He finally said. "When 



220 LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 

in the old country there was a rich woman in our neigh- 
borhood, an invalid from dyspepsia. Some neighbor each 
day for an hour was to read to her or tell her stories to 
cheer her up. My turn came. I told her a few. Bedad, the 
next day she was dead." I fined him a dollar for wilful and 
deliberate murder and turned in for another hundred sub- 
scriptions. 

The printing of the book was by the Keystone Label 
Company, Limited, of which Major R. W. A. Simmons is 
Chairman and J. Adam Roese Secretary and Treasurer. 

You will see some pictures. Those that are inscribed 
Fallon you will know are by Fallon. He is of the Chronicle 
Telegraph newspaper of Pittsburg. He tried to make what 
I wanted from my crude designs, and I think he done 
pretty well. 

The engraving is by the Barr and Anderson Engraving 
Companies, of Pittsburg. The city of Pittsburg and its trade 
limits furnishes enormous amounts of work for the print- 
ing and engraving concerns, and their work in various 
forms travels the world over as a necessity, going with 
the wide range of goods produced there. 

The photographs were taken at the "Lease" photo- 
graphing establishment. I am indebted to Mr. Geo. P. Quabach, 
ex-printer, for several courtesies, but especially to everybody 
I come in contact with in "talking THE BOOK" and mak- 
ing it. 

Many incidents of interest and some funny ones at- 
tended my preliminary canvass for the book. I'll tell 
some of them, and others in my next book, "Two Years 
Travel and Observation." It will be published in the late 
fall of 1904 or winter of 1905, and I'll take my time to write 
it, and not as with "Life As I Found It," in racing ahead of 
the linotype machine. Yet, that's part of life as I've found 
it. Strenuous, strenuous, my friends. 



LIFE AS I'VE FOUND IT. 221 






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7 













Book Announcement 

FOR FALL OF 1904 



Two Years' Travel and 
Observations 



THE PEOPLE, TOWNS, COUNTRY DISTINGUISH- 
ING FEATURES THROUGHOUT THE 
UNITED STATES AND 
TERRITORIES 



BY CHARLES DEPEW 
(Deaf Depew) 



It is given to but few of us to well learn the whole of OUR 
GREAT COUNTRY. 

I thought I had seen much of it, but a fireside analj'sis, 
with comfort, ease, a good pipe and my family around, caused 
me to say, "Old man, you know but little, go and see it con- 
scientiously, then talk."" 

1 propose a panoramic view, and just a little peep beyond 
the "scenes," and to make you feel as though you had been 
there yourselves. 

In short, you will have a two years' tour all for $1.00, 
about 350 pages, well illustrated. Persons who feel they would 
like such a book send for advance sheets, for which you will be 
put on file, and receive part in about a year and some later, 
as this is a bona-fide inspection of our land ; dates, routes of 
travel, the "big ones" and the human and inanimate show gen- 
erally, faithfully depicted. 



Address 

CHARLES DEPEW, Publisher, 

PITTSBURG, PA. 



FEB 5 1903 



/^ 



